Friend Level 1 vs Friend Level 2

I realized a while back that there are two kinds of friends.  Actually, there are three kind of friends.  I knew of two before last night, but I learned about new one and probably the most important one.

Friend Level #1:
These are your best friends. They are fucking awesome.  Nothing can come between you guys.  You pee/poop/shower together and its awesome.

Friend Level #3:
You're friends but none of you really loves the other one.  It's more of a social nicety.  You like each other, but you're not best friends.  You all know it and there's no lost love because of it.

Here comes the tricky one.  The one that causes all the problems.

Friend Level #2:
These are the friends that, for a moment, replace Friend #1.  When Friend #1 is at a different bar, is out of town, or is just being a douche, Friend #2 is the shit! They're awesome.  They're jokes are hilarious!  Their beards are immaculate!  Their pizzas have the perfect amount of cheese and sauce.  Their style is impeccable.  BUT!!!!!  When Friend #1 is back in town, Friend #2 gets a swift kick in the junk and a reminder of his/her place.   Friend #2 gets sent away like he's Buddy the Elf being sent away by James Caan down to the mail room.  It's like if you're Friend #2, no one even wants to answer your phone calls. "Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?"

That Was Rough

So last weekend, me and my friends went down to Providence to celebrate our friend Pat finishing grad school.  We got a hotel room down there and headed over to Dave and Busters for the Arcade Olympics! (which I won of course)  Anyway, while we were there, we were looking to say hi to some girls.  Well, there just happen to be a group of 5 girls our age there.  What a perfect match, they have 5 girls.  We have 5 guys.  It's a more perfect combination than a day off from school and an Ugly Betty marathon.

So me and two of my friends stroll over to these girls.  They had just sat down at a table and there were a couple extra chairs around it.  We grabbed the extra chairs and sat down at the table with them.  I'm thinking to myself, "Alright Adam, time to turn it on.  Let's see what you got."  They make the first move and say, "Um, do we know you?"  Oh, well not the warmest welcome but we can get through it.  We say no but we just wanted to introduce ourselves.  They said, "No thanks," and then the five of them got up and walked away.  I've gotta admit, that was pretty demoralizing.  Jerks.

They Don't Get It

I'm not sure if it's just my family or if it's everyone but for some reason neither my mom nor any of her sisters can truly grasp the concept of youtube.  It's like they know it exists, and they know what it's for, but as far as how it works or why videos get popular, no idea.  Let me give you two examples.

1. So I've been doing my best to keep my mom off of my blog because I know if she read it, I'd never hear the end of it. "Adam! She's going to read that!" "OMG Adam! Can you say that on the internet?" And so on and so forth.  Anyway, I had the blog for about 3 weeks before she found out.  WHen she did find out, and my cousins were telling her that they thought it was funny, she dropped this one on me.  "Adam, you should youtube your blog."  Oh. Um. I don't really know what that would consist of.  I asked her, "Should I just put the text into a video? Should I just take a picture of my blog and put it up?  Or should I read the stories on camera?"  She replied" Whatever, just youtube it."  Ok!

2.  My grandmother had everyone over for Thanksgiving this year which included almost all of the cousins and 9 aunts and uncles.  Of course there was plenty of picture taking going on, especially amongst the cousins.  So all of the cousins got together and one of my aunts took the picture. One of my other aunts looked at the picture and said" Aw, you should youtube this."  I can't imagine how many hits I would get if I put up a single picture of me and my cousins on youtube.  Actually, I guess we can find out.  Here's a video of that picture

This Is Embarrassing

So the other night, after a concert that I went to with my family, we were driving home in my dad's station wagon.  Unfortunately, there were 6 people in the car and so instead of smushing into the back seat, we decided to use that stupid seat in the trunk that faces the wrong direction.  Awesome.  Last week I feel like a 4 year old when I found out I was teething. This week I feel like a 10 year old, facing the wrong way in the back of my dad's car.  Let me tell you, it sucks back there. 

First of all, I dunno if you've actually seen that seat back there, but it's literally about 2 inches thick.  So after about 5 minute, your ass is absolutely killing you.  Second, theres no leg room what so ever.  My knees were like up against the back window.  Unfortunately, they weren't high enough to keep my face protected from the people driving behind us.  For some reason, every person driving behind us that night was between 18-30 years old so they were all flashing their high beams, waving and laughing.  My cousin was pretty brave, she was waving back and practically having conversations with them.  I refused to even look up.  No way I'm making eye contact with anyone while I face backwards in a station wagon.  Then to top it all off, by the time I got home, I was so car sick I could barely stand up. One of the worst 20 minute rides of my life.

Worst Speller Ever

So I have a friend that just cannot spell for the life of her.  It really is absurd.  This conversation took place about 8 months ago but it was so ridiculous that I had to save it and good thing I did because now all of you get to enjoy it.
(Anything in red font was added just now as my own little commentary)

Girl: my dad just broght me dinner im so excited
T D0gg33: watd u get
Girl: lasagia  (and it begins)
Girl: or how ever you spell it
T D0gg33: omg
T D0gg33: try again
Girl: lesangia
T D0gg33: no
T D0gg33: again
Girl: legsania   (this one really caught me off guard, leg? really?!)
T D0gg33: omg ur getting worse
T D0gg33: again
Girl: i cant spell i cant help it
Girl: lisangia   (at least the g is back towards the end)
T D0gg33: nope
T D0gg33: 1 more guess
T D0gg33: then i fucking kill you   (total serious about that)
Girl: hol don
T D0gg33: no cheating
Girl: lesagna
Girl: lesanga
T D0gg33: no and no
Girl: i dont even know how to cheat cuz spell check doesnt know what im tying to spell
T D0gg33: this makes me sad
Girl: im sorry i disapointed you
T D0gg33: im not disappointed, i totally expected it
Girl: lesgania
T D0gg33: like
Girl: im still trying to sound it out
T D0gg33: wat?
Girl: lesanya thats how it sounds
T D0gg33: ive never experienced anything like this
Girl: is that a bad thing   (not a good question)
T D0gg33: i mean
T D0gg33: its not a good thing
T D0gg33: and its even worse that you cant figure out a way to find the spelling
Girl: i cant do it. computer hates me for my spelling
T D0gg33: try google
T D0gg33: wow even google cant figure out wat you want to say
T D0gg33: it makes my heart sad
Girl: lasagna
T D0gg33: WOOOO!!!!!!

This is one of several of these types of conversations.  I'll definitely be putting up another one soon.

Where My Readers At

Just so you guys know, while I'm on winter break and are most of my reades, I'm gonna slow my roll a bit.  I will post to the blog 3 times a week, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  Hope you guys are enjoying it, I've got some good ones on the way. 

Asian Pants

So tonight I was at a concert with my family when I saw a walking mystery. I still am scratching my head trying to figure it out. I saw an asian man who looked like he weighed maybe 220 pounds that was wearing the pants of a man that was about 420 pounds. But his pants weren't filled out. It seemed more like his shirt was 40 feet too long and he needed the big pants to tuck in all of the extra fabric. It was seriously so confusing. Picture a pillow case filled with a bunch t shirts. That's wat the front of his pants looked like. I was tempted to just pull his pants off to see exactly what he was hiding down there. For all I know he had a huge stash of cotton candy down there and he was hiding it from me cuz he knew I'd want some. This mystery will be one I carry with me forever.

I Don't Like You're Music

I'm 24 years old and I like music that 24 year olds like. I don't care about how much ur band has been struggling. I don't care that ur band has been indy since the mid 90s. I don't care that u don't like mainstream music. I don't care that "the music" is more important than the music, no one cares but u. I don't care that ur cool with the nobodies. Nobodies make nobody popular so shut it. If u like/ make popular music I'll like u. If u don't I won't like u and no matter what you do it won't change it. Go to bed and be u.

Morning Update: I just woke up and read this post. Apparently I was mad at music last night. I dunno why but I'm sure whatever it was that music did, it deserved this.

You're A Jerk

So I was talking to my friend, Julia, on facebook chat tonight.  At the same time, I was talking to my friend Bryan on Gchat.  Bryan was talking about going out to a bar sometime soon since he just got back from Australia.  Julia was talking about how some girl only liked me cuz she's a tool and she thought tools are attracted to each other.  I know, hurtful right?  Anyway, I decided to switch over to Gchat and call Julia a jerk.  So I typed, 'ur a jerk!"  Then I went back to check on my fantasy football.  I looked back a minute later and Bryan responded with this, "i just want to party with u if that makes me a jerk then so be it."  So I explained to him that that was intended for someone else.  Now I really wanted to call Julia a jerk because she just caused my friend Bryan so much distress! So I clicked on her name extra hard and wrote, "You're a jerk!!"  I went back to my fantasy football ( to see Reggie Wayne score a 65 yard TD, FUCK!)  I went back to Gchat to see this response, "Why because I stopped following your blog?"  This, unfortunately, was no from Julia.  In fact, this was from the second wrong person I sent my, "you're a jerk" message to.  But bullshit! I informed her that the original "You're a jerk" wasn't intended for her but that, in fact, she really was a jerk for unfollowing my blog!  So throughout this whole thing, I called my friend Bryan a jerk who didn't deserve it.  I called Ariel a jerk who, at first didn't deserve it but as it turned out deserved like 5 "you're a jerks."  And I never actually called Julia a jerk.  Total failure on my part.  (I know most of you idiots would have just said, "FAIL" at the end of this post, but I'm not a tool so I didnt.  I will, though, make that the subject of a future post.)

Story Time: Most Embarrassing Moment

So, I was watching a tv show today where people talked about their most embarrassing moments and it got me thinking.  I decided to write a post about my Ultimate Christmas Wish List.  But I'm going to save that for later.  For now, I'll just tell you all about my most embarrassing moment.

It was a warm July afternoon back in 2003 and I was playing for the struggling Hanover Indians.  The coach's name was Ken Tocci, who also happened to be my JV coach a couple years back.  He loved me and let me do whatever I want, so even though I'm a pitcher, when I asked him if I could play the outfield, he of course said, "Why sure you can! By the way, you have stunning features and impeccable style."  I was a bit surprised by the spontaneous compliment but who am I to argue with him.  So I ran out to the outfield and took my position.  I make it until the 3rd inning without a ball getting hit to me and then it happened.

The opposing first baseman takes a swing and smokes a line drive my way.  I start running back and to my left, then I realize the ball is now going to my right.  Now since I took gymnastics for 2 years when I was 3 and a hip hop dance class when I was 12, I figured I could make this simple spin to my right look graceful.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  In fact, I made it look the complete opposite of graceful, which according to Microsoft Word is clumsy.  Ya, I guess that's pretty accurate.  So I spin to my left, and as I do, my giant size 13 feet decide to get into a slapping fest and I tumble face first to the ground.  It didn't end up being too bad though because the ball bounced under the fence so he only got a double.  This is where it took a turn for the worst.

The ball had rolled under the fence and it as just a few inches behind it.  Now as far as the fence is concerned, its one of those plastic portable fences with a bunch of different sections connected to one another.  So since the ball was so close to the fence, I decided to just reach over and grab it instead of climbing the fence.  I bend over the fence and reach and reach and reach and I'm about 2 inches away.  I decided to lean on the fence a little more to get within reach.  Just as I get my hand on the ball, two sections of the fence give way.  It was like it slow motion, I'm thinking "Oh come one! How did I not see this coming!" So I hit the ground and I try to get up immediately.  That didn't happen.  Apparently when the fence landed on the ground, the top part was about 6 inches off the ground.  So every time I tried to push up on the fence to stand up, I would just push it back to the ground and I wouldn't go anywhere.  After about 20 seconds of struggling to stand up, I swallow my pride and roll off of the fence on to solid ground where I can finally stand up.  I pick up the ball and throw it in but no one really moved.  I felt like I was Smalls in the Sandlot after running the ball into the pitcher because everyone was just standing around jaws wide open, confused and horrified with what just happened.

Yellow Champion!

So the other night at some bar I saw a guy wearing a bright yellow crew neck Champion sweatshirt. He was trying to look extra cool because he had a flat brim hat on pulled over his ears.  There was no one near him and he never spoke to a single girl.  He left early.

Triangle Head Tries On Hats

Here's your fix of Triangle Head

Why Are So Many of My Stories About Poop?

So I got home last night for winter break and I thought to myself, it would be absolutely wonderful if I could just sleep in and relax knowing I've got nothing to do all day.  So I set my alarm for 10:30 and traveled off to Sleepville, where I ran through fields of daisies and listened to some wonderful John Groban songs.  But did I get to sleep in today? Did I get to enjoy my time with Josh's music in Sleepville? No, no I did not! Because I was awoken at 9:30 by an email from my cousin.  He got mad when I used his name so I decided to leave it out. Anyway my cousin decided to send me a picture of his strange, out of this world poop this morning with the following caption:


"It was liquid poo but whole. Looked like egg foo yung."


Now I know must of you are thinking, "That's gross, I'm so glad I never had to see that,"  But there are some of you that are thinking, "That's gross, but I'm oddly curious as to what this horrible beast looks like."  For those of you who are in that latter group, I offer you a challenge.  If I have 63 followers by the end of the day, I will post that picture just for you.

Snow Poop

So I'm taking care of some business in the bathroom yesterday, in the handicap stall of course. I like to have a lot of room to work. Anyway, I notice there is a window in there and I thought to myself, well this is great!

How awesome would it be if I unlocked that window then went outside and waited for someone to use that stall. Then right when he's mid dookie, open it up and just start drilling him with snowballs! Awesome!  I mean, its perfect. What's he gonna do? Run out of the bathroom and through the building to try and find me? Doubtful unless he's the fastest runner AND more importantly the fastest wiper in the world.

It's an Airplane!

I made this! Jealous? Too bad.

Gross Hair Gets The Girl

So, ever since 6th grade when I got rid of the bowl cut and went to the fade, I've believed to my core that I need to make my hair look great if a girl is going to like me.  I've used hair spray, gel, moose and now I'm on to wax.  It's awesome because it looks like your hair is hard and spiky but it's actually soft and pliable.  Try it out.  Ok, moving on.  Recently, I've seen a few guys with gross hair, getting some pretty cute girls.  One of them, is a good friend of mine on my summer baseball team.  I don't want to call him out, so I'm going to change his name.  Let's call him Shtom Shmuddleston.  Anyway, it's been about four months since I've seen him.  Well apparently since then, he's started taking the anabolic steroid version of Rogaine because the mop on top of his head is like never before.  It's amazing and horrifying.  It makes me smile and vomit at the same time.  Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because apparently this hair has helped him land a new girlfriend and so now I'm trying to figure out if I have been going about it all wrong.  Should I have been growing my hair out this whole time? Granted, when I grow my hair, it doesn't flow down and look cool.  Oh no, quite the contrary.  In fact, it just grows up and up and up and puffs out like Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. It gets so puffy that instead of wearing a hat, I just place it on top of my head and hope it doesn't fall off.  I'm gonna put some more thought into this.  Here's a picture of my friends hair so you know what sparked this.

No More Free Rides!

I'm done carrying you free loading sons of bitches! I'm switching the reading privacy from "Anyone" to "Only Followers."  Now what?I How are you gonna get through your day without this gold mine of literary genius?  Exactly, slide that mouse over to follow and be a good little reader.

(***It's not actually possible to change to that privacy, so this is an obviously empty threat, but come on! My sister's blog is catching up to me and I can't let that happen***)

I'm Smarter than 10 Year Old Me

So the other day, we were having a review for finance and half way through one of our classmates, Shkimmie (name changed for privacy issues), walked in.  She was wearing a with a big brim and a bright yellow jacket.  Immediately, the whole class thought of Carmen Sandiego. (I realized her jacket was actually red, but whatever.)  We made fun of her for the next 15 minutes or so and then I decided to go retro and download the classic computer game, Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego.  Probably one of the best computer games ever.  It ranks up there with Oregon Trail and The Secret Island of Dr. Quandry.  Anyway, I started playing it and realized I know nothing about geography, foreign currencies, or natioanl flags.  I took on about 7 cases and wasn't even close to catching anyone.  I never saw any V.I.L.E. henchmen and kept missing the 5 PM Sunday deadline.  I couldn't even get a warrant for anyone.  Finally, I started figuring it out.  I learned a little bit about San Marino, drachmas, and where they speak Portuguese.  I ended up catching such villains as Merey LaRoc, Dazzle Annie and Len Bulk.  I've moved up from Rookie to Sleuth and I'm one case away from a promotion to Gumshoe.  So now that I'm getting it together Carmen Sandiego style, I've decided that I'm now as smart as I as in 4th grade.

Poll #5

Well, it's official.  More of you would rather punch yourself in the face every day than punch your mom in the face once.  BULLSHIT! No one wants to get punched in the face, especially not everyday.  If you're 24 and you live to be 84, that means you're going to punch yourself in the face 21,900 times.  Are you guys idiots? Do you know how messed up your face will be?  You'll like like Sloth from The Goonies, after fighting Rocky Balboa, directly after James Vanderbeek throw a football in your eye like in Varsity Blues.  Not only that but you'll probably break your hand a thousand times.  You guys really didn't think this one out.  How come no one ever agrees with me? 5 polls so far and I've never been part of the majority.  I'm unique mother flipper.

Post 3 AM

So, as I mentioned in the last post, we had a party last night and everything as going swimmingly.  It was really fun, we had a lotta people, we had alcoholic pudding, we had Miley Cyrus, pretty much everything you need for a good party.  But nothing worth blogging about happened.  That was until about 3 AM.  When the party took a ridiculous turn.  We were all hanging out, dancing, doing whatever and then I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred came on.  It was on.  Our hall become a runway.  Ryan, the birthday boy, was in his room while this was going on.  In case you didnt know it, Ryan is known through the Umass Campus for his dancing abilities.  So people start yelling for Ryan to strut his stuff.  I'm not sure how or why but I convinced him to get naked and dance down the hall just holding a pillow in front of Baby Ryan.  (I'm not sure he'd appreciate that nick name but he doesn't read this blog anyway.)  Now what I expected was for him to dance down the hall dancing and walk back.  What we got was a 4 minute solo of Ryan dancing around with a pillow on his jumbalees. Now, it wasn't just like him dancing around the living room jokingly.  This was a full on, out of control, disgusting, hardcore dance.  There was a stretch of about 30 seconds when he went from down on his knees humping his pillow, to sitting on our friend, Shmevan's (fake name for privacy issues), lap with his bare ass.  So after watching Ryan's showoff his amazingly pale ass for what felt like an hour, he got dressed.  I'm not really sure what happened next so numbers 1-3 are in no particular chronological order.

1. We tried to learn how to do Indian dancing from one of our friends (failed miserably)
2. We played every boy band song on Youtube and proceeded to serenade the girls that survived Ryan's dancing sexual molestation.  This included, Back Here, It Happens Everytime, Bye Bye Bye, Tearing up My Heart, Larger Than Life, I Know My Calculus, I Want It That Way and Dirty Pop.
3. We played every dance song I could find on Youtube and danced around.  Songs included: Cotton Eye Joe, Electric Slide, Cupid Shuffle, Casper Slide (part 2 obviously),
4. I ate half of a burrito
5. We watched our 4th roommate stroll into the kitchen for a glass of water.  (This happened at about 4:15AM.  He went to bed at 12:30 next to the room where the music was on at full blast. Whoops.)

Well, I've tried like 5 times to wrap this up and nothing I can think of to write is funny, so I'll just tell you a fact instead. I just noticed one of my pillows smell really bad.  Wat the fuck.

Prior to 3 AM

I wrote this post at about 12 AM last night.  It was accurate at that point in the night.  

We had a party last night and it was awesome but literally, there was nothing that happened that was worth blogging about. This is going to be the most boring blog ever. I can't believe ur still reading. Stop. Seriously. There's no point on continuing. I know ur thinking to yourself,  "Well there's so much text after this, he must eventually make a point." Well ur wrong. Its not gonna happen.  I'm going to keep typing and talking about how nothing is going to happen in this post until you stop reading.  I wonder if you're still reading.  I bet you are, aren't you.  Isn't it so funny, I'm telling you not to read this because its so boring but you refuse to listen.  It's like an addiction, you have to finish reading this post or else you'll spend the rest of your life wondering what I said.  Well, now you know.  I said nothing.

Let's Get Drunk...or Whatever You Call It

So, finals end today, we're throwing a party tonight for my roommates birthday and I'm going to get absolutely hammered.  This brings me to the point of this post.  Isn't it amazing how many words we have to describe getting drunk?  In case you were unaware, here is a short list of some of them: drunk, hammered, shitfaced, waffled, intoxicated, inebriated, toasted, blasted, bombed, wrecked, shithoused, shmammered,  wasted, plastered, crunk, smashed, and trashed.

But honestly, the best thing about being drunk, having been drunk, or planning on getting drunk, is making up words to describe just how drunk you are, were, or are going to be.  For example, earlier today I told someone I was going to get Jimmyjammered.  The funny thing is that although its never been used in that context, and it doesn't make any sense, that person still knew what you meant.  Same goes for getting: franked, corn-housed, habberdashered, flippyflopped, swashbuckled, bone sauced, splashy, squiffy, swizzled, riffraffed, bongoed, rubiks cubed, hamburglared, flapjacked, pan-seared, snizzled, bizzled, skizzled, buttered, tromboned, squirrely, shrekked, how-do-ya-dooed, scooter-stored, frankenhosed, and shwimshwammed.

Have a good weekend everyone, make sure you get nice and Jersey shored.  

Girls and Video Games

So, just a little background before i get into my story.  Historically, girls are not very good at video games.  Now, every now and then, a girl will be good at one game but it's very rare that they are good at several different games.  Now this isn't too say that all girls are bad at video games, because they aren't.  But the ones that are good at video games usually trade other things for those skills.  Some of these things that they may give up are:
1. Friends
2. Good hair
3. Personal Hygiene
4. Popularity

Anyway, this whole thing came to mind today because I saw a girl who proved everything I just said 100% right.  I was at Newman today getting lunch when I saw her.  Sitting by herself at a small table.  Playing a video game with a controller plugged into her computer.  Bouncing back and forth in her chair, avoiding the bullets from her virtual enemies.  Now I only saw her for a few seconds so I don't really know if she's any good or not, but I would assume that if you're willing to play video games on your computer, with a controller, by yourself, in a public place, you're probably pretty good at the game as it is the only thing in your life.

Finance Midterm

So I've got my finance final coming up, and to prepare I decided to go over my midterm as it is a cumulative test.  I'm going over one of the problems, for which I received half credit, 5 out of 10.  As I'm going over the answers she gave us, I'm thinking well, I must have been pretty close since I got half credit.  Also, she told us she would give us a few points as long as we draw the correct time line.  I decided to look at my midterm answer to see exactly what I did wrong.   I was not even close. Here you go:

11.
Part A.  Correct Answer = $11,700.
                     My answer= $92,450
               A difference of = $80,750

Part B.  Correct Answer= $142,000
                   My Answer= $8,467,000
              A difference of= $8,352,000

Oh and I had no time lines anywhere.  How the shit did I get half credit?

Invisible Study Buddy

I'm pulling out a classic!  Back when I was at Tufts, there were these study rooms that were reserved for groups, and people would get pissed if someone was in there by themselves.  Well, me being me, I need to have constant distractions while I'm doing work, so I liked to watch TV, listen to music, light off fire crackers, wrestle and do magic tricks, and what better place to do those than in a study room.  So I had to figure out how to keep people from getting mad at me.  Boom! Just make someone up.  So whenever I went to the library, I made sure to have at least 2 or 3 of everything.  I would sit down and set myself up.  Then I would pull out all my doubles and set up a second work space for "my friend who is just trying to find a book."  Apparently "my friend" has no idea how to use the Dewey Decimal system because he spent all his time in the library looking for books.

Well I've started doing that again.  At the Isenberg School of Management, we have rooms called break out rooms, where we can break out of class and go into these rooms and study.  For some reason, every time I think of the break out rooms, I picture our class room doors opening and entire class rushes out dancing in kind of a Jets v. Sharks, West Side Story motif.  (if you need to know what I'm talking about, go to 1:50 in this video clip.)  Anyway! People are always coming around trying to kick people out, saying we need this for a group study project.  F that! I need this room so I can watch Monk as I write my paper.  So to my left, I have set up the following work station for "my friend."

1. Open text book with a pen saving a spot on a different page
2. Notebook open to a page already written on
3. Half empty bottle of water
4. My jacket over the back of the seat
5. Chair pushed out as if someone had been sitting there and got up
6. Keys
7. Chapstick

They don't have a chance.  "Are you gonna be in here long?" "Ya, me and my friend are writing a 4,000 page research paper, I have no clue where we went, but we'll be here all night.  Bite my bird."  Then they leave, badda bing badda boom.

Don't be Afraid to Vote

Listen, some of you have voted, and some of you haven't.  I've realized that there are three type of people out there as far as voting is concerned.

1. Vote for A: People that hate getting punched and have the balls to say they'd punch their mom.
2. Vote for B: People that love their mom and are willing to take the punishment.
3. Didn't Vote: People who haven't voted because they can't bring themselves to say they'd punch their mom even though they know deep down that that's how they feel.

For the people who fit into #3.  First of all, I'm 92% sure you'll never actually be put in that situation. Second, I doubt your mom goes on this blog, and even if she didnt, she wouldn't know how you voted. It's 8-12 punch yourself right now and i know there are more than 20 people that read this blog.  3 Days left to vote.  Get busy. Start punching.

Update: Who just changed their vote?!

I'm A Little Baby

So for the past couple days I've had this pain in the back of my mouth. It hurts when I chew, open my mouth, or swallow. I went to health services to see what was wrong. Well apparently I'm a 2 year old. Not literally. But I literally am teething. My wisdom teeth decided to say wattup to the rest of my mouth so they're just ripping their way to the top. Fuckin rude if you ask me. At least, send me an email or something if you're gonna tear my mouth apart. Its the least you could do.

This is How A Blog Spreads

This is just awesome.

If you're confused, you should make sure you read this post

Sitting in Class

I'm sitting in Finance class right now.  We have our final on Friday.  We have this class and our review before the test and that's it and yet I still can't pay attention to her, no matter what!  She's been teaching for about an hour an 15 minutes so far.  Here's what I have done in class up til now:

1. Showed up late
2. Realized my favorite seat was stolen.
3. Swore at that seat stealing son of a bitch in my head
4. Took out my computer and visited the following websites

• Jakeandamir.com
• Fantasy Football
• Facebook
• Barstool Sports
• Igoogle
• Google Finance
• College Humor
• My sister's blog (to make sure i still have more followers)
• ESPN

5. Read the poem that I wrote last night.  I liked that one.
6. Put a piece of gum in my mouth.
7. Chewed it.
8. Heard a woman in my class make the most horrifying, gut wrenching sound while coughing.  Seriously, I thought she was coughing up a guy that was already coughing to death.
9. Took out my notebook and wrote down the date.
10. Tried to solve a sample problem my teacher just gave us.
11. Stopped after writing down 2 numbers, once I realized I had no clue what to do.
12. Remembered that I forgot to bring lunch, to pay for my parking, and to pay my rent for December.
13. Accidentally hit my fist on the desk and made a really loud noise.  Looking back on it, I have no clue how that could have happened.  Why was I making a fist?
14. Decided to write this post.
15. Wondered if my professor knows what I'm doing or if she thinks I'm just the most diligent note taker in the world.

Chopping Off My Left Arm

I used to be the best, but now I'm the worst.
I'm currently 14 games out of first
I just cant win, no matter how hard I try
I have to carry tissues, as I now start to cry
Every loss I endure, weighs heavy on my heart
After each loss, I check my pants for a shart
It's depressing and upsetting, so just take my arm,
Bury it under a tree, in your yard or a farm
Take it away, so I can end this nightmare
I keep a straight face to show I don't care
But I can lie no longer, the truth must come out
The next time you see me, expect a permanent pout
I can't stand this life, that I'm living right now
I want to my punch my face, while yelling KAPOW!
A tear streams free, each time they shoot.
WHY THE FUCK CANT I WIN, AT MOTHER FUCKING BERUIT!!!!!!!!

Oh Gas Station Attendant

So I pulled into a gas station today.  Right before I pulled in, another car had pulled in in front of me.  So the gas station attendant walks over to that car and starts filling it up.  Naturally, I assumed that while that car was being filled, he would come over and fill mine up.  Of course, I was wrong.  Instead, the gas station attendant just walked around behind the car, talking to himself.  The weird part was that, it looked like he actually surprised himself  a few times with whatever conversation he was having. Finally, that car was full.  He took care of the payment and then made his way over to my car. He did the same thing as another car sat and waited to be filled up. 

Side note:
You know how after your screw your gas cap on, it just spins and clicks once its all the way on? Usually, once you hear that click a few times, you stop.  Not this guy!  I pretty sure this guy actually thinks, once you hear a few clicks, you have to just keep spinning it until you get tired or until they drive away.

You have a What?!

I just found out a wonderful tidbit of information.  Apparently, up until 3 months ago, someone in my MBA class was using a walkman. With mix tapes.

Shut Up Sign!

So one night during my freshman year at Tufts, I had to urinate. Pretty basic stuff.  So I went to the bathroom and right above the toilet there was a sign that said, "Stop Fucking Pissing On The Seat!"  I found this very upsetting.  I don't enjoy it when signs swear at me or tell me what to do.  So I decided to teach this mean sign a lesson that he would never forget.  I proceed to rip the sign off the wall and throw him in the toilet.  Then I peed all over him and his precious seat.  Last time I saw that sign try and tell me what to do.

Half of The Country

Haya loo doo?! Before I make my point, lemme give you a quick break down of this history of the phrase I just wrote.  It began as the saying, "How do you love that?" Then it became, "How ya luh dat?"  Next it was, "Ha ya luhdah?" And finally, "Haya loo doo?!" Ok, moving on.

WHAT has now been viewed in 27 states which is also half of the country.  I need you other mother frizzle bizzles to pick it up.  That's right I'm talking to you North Dakota, South Dakota, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Nevada, Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, Wyoming, Nebraska, Kansas, Alaska, Montana, Minnesota, Iowa, Ohio, Kentucky, West Virginia, Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, and Tennessee. (Wow that took so much longer than it should have.) I'll keep you posted as we gain more.

For the rest of you, we're cool for now.

References:

Poll #4

Well. It seems as though you all feel really confident in your stamina.  47% of you thought you could kill 500 of them before they killed you.  Do you have any idea how tiring it would be to kill 500 5 year olds?  You have to assume that after a minute, they're going to be swarming all over you! 500 is ridiculous.  What would be your main way of killing them anyway?  Bop them on the head like Bunny Fufu?  I'd like to hear how you guys imagined this going down.  Throw some comments on this thing.

The Best Pick Up Line

Every guy has been offered advice on picking up girls.   I've heard so many different suggestions.  "Treat them like shit."  "Treat them like queens."  "Fake an Australian accent." (works awesome) "Ask them if they'd rather be a rock star or a famous actress."  (i didnt know the significance of either answer so I never had any where to go after they answered.)  Recently, I was informed that commenting on a girl's shoes is a solid open. So tonight, I thought I would take that advice under consideration and go for it.  Here was the conversation that followed.

Ok so I'm at this club and this slutty ass slut farm walks in.  She's got a dress that is barely covering her ass.  Bleach blonde hair and 14.2 pounds of make up on.  I walk up to her and say,

"This might sound weird, but I think those shoes are really cute.  I know for a fact that my cousin would love those, where did you get them?"
"I got them at a porno shoot."
"Um... what?!"
"I got them at my porno shoot last week.  They just gave them to me."
"Oh... um. Okay.  Well I doubt my cousin will be shopping there anytime soon but I'll be sure to let her know."
"This place is really boring compared to L.A."
"Oh really? You're in the middle of no where and your surprised L.A. is more fun?"
"Yeah, I dunno, I was just expecting a few more naked people."

This was the point in the conversation when I had to walk away.  I don't even know what she meant by more naked people but I honestly didn't want to know.  Especially since there were already several half naked guys fist pumping their way through this club to begin with.   I guess I learned that pick up lines don't work on porn stars.

This...Is...Awkward...

So, while I'm at the club last night, I'm watching two of my friends get their mack on out on the dance floor.  Me and Ryan are just standing by the bar.  All of a sudden, this older gentleman, maybe in his 40's stumbles over to us and decides to stand right next to me.  He doesn't say anything at first.  He just stands there, swaying back in forth, struggling to stay up right and battling gravity.  About 15 seconds last he turns to me and says, "So, what do you think?"  I knew this was going to be an interesting conversation since the first line was already confusing. 
I turned to him and just said ,"What?"  I actually think he was surprised that I didn't know what he was talking about, which then surprised me.  We were all surprised I guess.  He turns back to me and says, "What do you think of the night?"  Well, ok.  This time I at least know what he's talking about.  I said "Oh, I had a good time."  Then my middle aged drunk friend, I think, got a little distracted.  He stared off into the dance floor with a smile on his face.  I couldn't tell if the conversation was over or not, I just stood there, barely moving.  About 20 seconds later, he replies, "Nice."  Then he walked away, never to be seen again.

Everybody's Pregnant!

So, tonight we ended up back at Diva's.  If you recall from an earlier post, Diva's is a gay club that has a non gay party every month hosted by a Umass club called EDMC.  Anyway, as usual.  Me and my friends are dancing up an absolute storm.  Some guy who works for the club is following us around and taking our picture for their website and facebook page. So we're celebrities, no big deal.  Anyway, we meet a couple girls and we start dancing with them.  As the song went on I got a little bored, so I had my roommates surround the girls.  We started jumping up and down and we started a chant.  It went like this.  "Everybodys pregnant! Everybodys pregnant! Everybodys pregnant!  Baby, baby, baby!" I'm not sure if you know the video or not, but to help you imagine our song, it actually was going to the beat of the peanut butter jelly time  chorus.  After the chant, we went back to our normal dancing. One minute later, our fourth friend came over and we, of course, repeat the chant. This time though, at the end, we added in "tickle fest, tickle fest, tickle fest!" I love group dances.

I am the Man!

I will literally punch your face off of your face.  I was at Bdubs last night, or in layman's terms Buffalo Wild Wings.  They have that arcade that you punch a bag and it tells you how hard you hit it.  Well I'm watching these people in my program go at it, bashing this thing and every is celebrating and having a blastie so naturally I wanna get involved so that I can have a blastie as well.  Keep in mind, I've never punched anyone before so I've got no clue how hard I punch.  In fact, I've always been worried that I punch like a pussy and that if I actually get into a fight, I won't do any damage and get my ass kicked.  Anyway, a few people go in front of me (including two former marines) and the high score is set at about 670 or so.  I step up, and just drop an absolute bomb on this game.  I felt like Ivan Drago hitting with 2000 lbs per square inch.  I think I actually gave the arcade a black eye and gave it kidney stones.  Hows that 704 tastse?!

So it's official.  If I ever get into a fight, and I have 60 seconds to plant my feet, line up my shot, and aim at a guy that isnt moving, I will punch his face off of his face.

Really?

So tonight I went out with a couple of friends to a bar. I didn't have a ride home so my plan was to end up with this girl and hopefully get a ride home with her.  I entered the first bar that night with the friends that I arrived with.  I didn't end up talking to any of them during the night as they were all a little preoccupied so I left. I went to meet this "other girl" who ended up at Stackers. I headed over to Stackers to meet this girl. I walked in and didn't see her so, like a cool guy I ordered a vodka and tonic (I'm watching my calorie intake). So anyway, I order that drink and I continue roaming through the bar. I end up finding my "friend.". She's flirting with some guy and you know what? I actually don't care. I just say hey its college. So I do a lap and as I come back around she finds me. She hugs me like a normal friend and we exchange pleasantries and the night is progressing as I expected. I blink my eyes, and the next thing I know she is making out with that guy she was flirting with earlier. That's fun.  I didn't feel like talking to her anymore understandably so I began walking home. WELL GUESS WHAT! I JUST REALIZED LIKE AN IZIOT, I LEFT MY CC AT THE OTHER BAR.  I walked back to that bar, got my CC and I started my 3 mile journey home at 12:45. Yay. Oh haha holy shit. I just saw the girl who was making out with that guy earlier. She waved to me as if we were still friends. That's funny.I just got home. Its  1:45. What a good night.

Morning Update: I just looked it up. It really was 3 miles.  That sucks for me.

LOL

Shut the fuck up! Don't LOL me.  Back in the good ole days, LOL used to mean, laughing out loud.  Now in the bad new days, it means, you made a joke which i didn't laugh at but I don't want you to feel like an idiot.  Example:

What was really said:

"My teacher is such an idiot.  It's like hello! did you even go to school?"
"LOL, yeah."

What they meant:

"My teacher is such an idiot.  It's like hello! did you even go to school?"
"that's not funny."

The only way to truly know if someone laughed at your joke is if they respond in the following ways:

"hahahahahahaha"
"ha! I literally just laughed out loud."
"Oh fuck, I think I'm dying from laughing so hard. Why the shit did you do this to me?!"

The third one rarely happens, but when it does, you know you had a winner.  What ever joke you made to make that person respond like that, save it and use it with as many people as possible. 

Thank you to KM for bringing this to my attention. Jerk.

Shut Your Mouth!

There are lots of ways to convey a message to someone.  If you want to say hi, you simply wave to them.  If you want to say, fuck you, you flip them the finger.  If you want to say, come hither, you use one finger and curl it towards yourself inviting them over.  And, if you want to tell someone, I'm a dumb stupid moron, you stand around with your mouth open. 
     Honestly, there is no faster way to say to someone, "Hello, there are absolutely zero intelligent thoughts running through my head right now," than to stare into space breathing through your open mouth.  Like seriously? If I saw someone doing that and showed them a picture of themselves, I bet they'd be like "holy shit, I'm a dumb dumb."  And I'd nod and say, "Yes. You are a dumb dumb."  It's almost like if you were to turn off someone's brain, their jaw automatically lowers an inch.  I think there may even be a correlation between a persons IQ and how open their mouth is.
      I was in class yesterday and saw someone doing this and I couldn't take my eyes off him.  I was trying to send him a message through esp. "Shut your mouth you iziot, turn on your brain!"  He couldn't hear me.  Dunno why I'm surprised though.  Clearly, if he stands around with his mouth open, he's not smart enough to have mastered ESP. Moron.

Facebook Friends

You know what I've started doing which I am really enjoying?  I go through my news feed on the front page of facebook and I look for announcements that two people have become friends.  Then I comment on it and talk about how its been a long time coming and how they were meant to be friends forever.  I most enjoy this when I don't know either of the people involved.  Now you're probably asking yourself, how am I getting news feeds on people I don't know since at least one of them has to be my facebook friend.  Well, it's pretty simple, I don't know about 1/3 of my facebook friends.  I just friend people whenever I feel like it.  And by people, I mean girls.  And by whenever I feel like it, I mean when she look hot in one of my friends pictures.

Following

So, I know there are people out there that are reading my blog and are yet to become followers.  STOP IT! Follow that shit son.  Make me look like a champ.  Here's a list of things that you should follow this blog like:

1. Like an ambulance in traffic.
2. Like a news crew getting ready to interview someone.
3. Like Moses through the Red Sea
4. Like an interesting blog
5. Like "that car!" if you had just jumped in a taxi
6. Like a leprechaun if you want to know where his gold is
7. Like Santa Claus if there was a hole in his gift bag

Zanka vedda mudge (thats armenian for thank you very much.)

They Must be Idiots

So I was at Newman yesterday for lunch and I ordered a steak and cheese sub.  Pretty basic, nothing special. But when I saw Moron McStupidstein making my sub, I was instantly infuriated.  It just doesn't make sense.  What is going through a person's head when they the sub roll all the way through?  I wonder if it's a prank on me.  Like the guys thinking, "Watch this.  This kids going to eat his sub and all of the stuff i just spent 5 minutes making is going to fall right out of the bottom." Like serioulsy?  What the hell is wrong with you.  Just cut one side! I spend half my team eating the sub and the other half avoiding falling peppers and onions like I'm mother frank Chicken Little.  People who cut my sandwiches all the way through make it onto my top ten list of people I want to mail to Punch-In-The-Face-Ville. Here's the list in its entirety:

10. People who say on accident, same difference, flying fuck or east bum fuck.
9.   People who watch The Hills
8.   People that use their blinker when merging onto the high way. (I get it, you're moving in to the lane to your left, there's no where else to go!)
7.   People who cut my sandwiches all the way through
6.   People who do the double cheek kiss.
5.   People who press the cross walk button but don't wait to use it.
4.   People who switch lanes on the highway when no one is in front of them.
3.   People who judge you for going a couple months without showering.  (i was busy!)
2.   People who ride their bikes in the middle of the street (includes their rolled up pant leg)
1.   People who use the cross walk at a non busy intersection. (seriously? if there's no one coming, cross the street. if not, wait. pretty simple)  

Bow Ties

Seriously? Come on. Just stop it.

Close Your Eyes!

Guys that shave their heads shouldn't stand around with their eyes wide open. Alone, either a shaved head or wide open eyes are creepy enough to make you look like a serial killer.  But combined, it turns you into a super mega serial killer rapist baby hunter with gonorrhea.  Be careful.

Triangle Head Joins A Frat

Here's your weekly dose of Triangle Head

Mr. 3000

Well that was quick.  Looks like PJ Thompson is visitor #3000.  This has been amazing week for Mr. Thompson.  I'm sure he didn't think this week couldn't get better.  Just a few days ago, PJ asked his long time girlfriend, Maren, to marry him and of course she said yes (i mean who wouldn't?)  Then just a few days later, he becomes the 3000th visitor to WHAT.  I'm not sure which one was more exciting for him but I'm sure it was close.  I'd just like to say congratulations to PJ on both accomplishments.  I asked PJ what it meant to him to be #3000 and he kept it simple replying, "BAP."  Spoken like a true champion.  See you at 4000.

# 3000

Here we go! The #2000 hit was Evan Olesh and he was promptly awarded his prize.  We're now looking for the 3000th hit so while you're on this page, scroll down to the bottom and see if its you!  If it is, take a picture of it, and send it to me so  I can put it up here.  Good luck! 

Pac Man

Just so you all know, I added a Pac Man game on the side of the blog.  This is just in case my posts aren't as entertaining as you were hoping, but you still have more time to kill.  And good luck beating my high score. I got  to level 2.

Spreading like the Black Plague (except its being spread by the internet and not fleas on rodents)

Well, we've officially gone international with this mother flipper.  Besides the 24 states that WHAT has been viewed in across the country, we've also been hit in the following locations.

Puerto Madero, Venezuela
London, England
Pune, India
Jaipur, India

I feel like I should say something to show you my gratification.  So I wrote you a poem about how much I appreciate your readership.

Oh my readers, how stupid can you be.
Coming each day, to see what happened to me.
Seriously, there's nothing better to do with your time
Than to read about how, I beat up a mime.
Not cuz he was mean, but that stupid fucking box
Makes me crazy, crazy like a fox
But back to my fans, I owe it all to you
Reading about my win at silent poo.
I talk to clams and play games with God
And you come back every day with a louder applaude
So to you I say thanks, and I leave you with this
My car's getting worse, its now smelling like piss.

Merry Blogmas to all and to all a good night.

I met Cal Ripken Jr Today

What a dick! Seriously, its amazing. He should be proud.

Instant Friends

You know what I've realized? There is an amazing transformation when people holds doors open for you. Whenever someone holds a door for you, you usually give them a formal "thank you." But then, if they open another door for you immediately after, you automatically go to just "thanks." Completely informal and casual. As if them opening that first door makes you friends. In the rare situation that they hold a third door open for you, at least for me, I give them a "thanks," and a kiss on the cheek. Its great. Door opening, the easiest way to make a friend.
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I needed to Study

For the following story, the word poop will be replaced by the word study.  Thank you.

So a couple days ago, I was watching TV when I got this powerful urge to study.  It felt like I had a huge exam to study for, probably because I hadn't studied all day.  I went down stairs and sat at my desk.  At first, I was a little distracted, like I always am when I start to study, so I kinda just hung out for a few minutes.  Then it was time to get down to business.  So I start studying and I realize there is a lot more material than I expected.  I called up to my roommate to have him get me a coffee, as I figured I'd be studying all night.  A couple hours went by and I was finally getting close to finishing the book I was reading.  Suddenly, I checked my book bag and realized I had no paper in my note books.  I didn't know what I was going to do.  What would I use to wrap up this study session if I can't find any paper?  I decided just not to take any notes and hoped it wouldn't come back to haunt me.

Mall Security Guards

So today, I was at the Hanover Mall, continuing my Black Friday domination.  Just outside of Lids, someone spilled some sort of red drink on the floor.  I noticed there was a security guard standing above it, making sure that people didn't walk through it and slip.  I thought that was pretty funny.  If you didn't know it, most security guards have some false sense of power because of their uniform.  Although I can't imagine this security guard having any sense of self respect because, in this instance, he was actually being used as a "Wet Floor Sign."  That's amazingly embarrassing. 

Poll #3

Socks in the shower?! SOCKS IN THE SHOWER?!  What is wrong with you?! Wearing wet socks is the worst feeling in the world.  It's worse than waking up on Christmas morning and realizing your parents forgot to buy you presents and there's nothing under the Christmas tree.  Or for my Jewish friends.  It's worse than waking up on Hanukkah morning and realizing your parents forgot to buy you presents and there's nothing under the Hanukkah tree.

Hmmmm

50 + 30 + 20 = 100%. Free!!!

Rico got molested

Rico my cousin was just trying on a vest in polo and apparently some old woman liked how he looked so she started grabbing him and showing her to her friend. it went on for like 30 seconds until she asked what size it was. Weird. To be continued...
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A parking spot!

Holy shit. 20 minutes and we've finally got a spot. Now its time to go wait in 2 hour lines. To be continued...
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Fucking Black Friday

What the shit was I thinking? For some reason I decided to go to the wrentham outlets to shop at midnight. No idea why. I don't even need to buy anything. Anyway, we got within 2 miles of the outlets at just before midnight. We just pulled into the parking lot and its 1:50 am. I seriously don't know what I was thinking. I've never seen more people in my life. I feel like I'm in that scene in truman show when a billion people wold show up every time he tried to leave. Except instead of leaving town we're trying to buy cheap clothes. To be continued...
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Where is Alaska?

So I'm sitting my grandmothers house waiting for some turkturk. We start discussing my sisters blog and look at the map to see where in the country people have accessed the blog from. So there picture of the United States come up with Alaska in its normal place, up north and west. One of my cousins says, "someone went on from Alaska?" Then one of my other cousins made an amazing comment. To save her from embarassment (spelling?) we'll call her Shmangela. She turns to us and says "that's not alaska! Is it? Isn't it down south?" I didn't know how to react except that I was sad for everyone that just heard that.
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Tough guys

So its thanksgiving and the night has been full of absolute trash. Cuz that's how thanksgiving works. Anyway, so the end of the night comes around and I'm standing in the parking lot of some chinese restaurant next to a car and some kid comes up to me and says "hey I don't wanna be a dick but the owner of this car would be pissed if he saw u leaning on it." Keep in mind we weren't leaning on the car and it was a shitty jeep. So we said, "we're not leaning on it." He yells back, "back up!" We didn't move. He threatened to beat us up because we were within 3 feet of his friends car. I've realized that the true definition of trash is the willingness to fight someone over anything. I'm glad I'm not trash. Here's a joke;

Whay did one snowman say to the other?

It smells like carrots out here.

I'm drunk.
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Holy shit

Its almost midnight and I haven't posted anything all day. I know most of u have been checking every ten minutes and going away with the same disappointed face, but not this time. Here we go.

I'm at a townie bar in stoughton right now and its amazing, there are like 300 people here that I was sure were already dead. Its mind blowing. Not only that but there's another 600 here that have been here every night since 2001.

I wish I had a piece of paper I could hand out every time someone asked me "hey what are you doing these days?". The piece of paper would read, "listen, I don't like you and you don't like me. If I stayed to answer this question we'd be wasting both of our time, so I thought I'd just waste yours. Bye." Theb by the time they read it, I'd already be locked in some painful, meaningless conversation. Good times.
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The New Me

Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to the new me.  It's pretty much the same as the old me, but now I'm allowed to french kiss.

I'll Miss You Finger

Last week, after going fishing, I was putting my boat back into my milky explorer (yup, two months later and it still smells) and I got this tiny little cut on the middle finger on my right hand.  I got home, hopped in the shower and didn't really think much of it.  As the days went by, the cut got a little more painful and a lot redder.  Well, its now been a week and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to amputate my finger.  Here's a picture of it so you know what's really going on.

 

If you've got any suggestions, I'd love to hear them.  Please comment and save my finger before it becomes herpes and then I lose my whole hand.  Save me and my ability to do this:

Emoticons Know Their Shit

As we all know, emoticons are usually used as a way to convey a simple smile, wink, frown, thumbs up, expression of surprise or of anger.  But if you take a deeper look into the world of emoticons, they make some very insightful observations about the range of human emotions.  Emoticons for the most part sum up most of the human emotions and expressions.  But more importantly, they show us that there are some emotional combinations that are incomprehensible to humans.  For example, we have for sadness we have :( and for happiness we have :) . Then for sneakiness we have ;) which is a winking smile.  But notice there is no sad winking face ;(  because lets be honest, who would wink when they're sad? No one. Also, There are shocked faces :o and thumbs up b(^_^)d    (I know its a stretch, just go with it).   But you could scour the internet and never find an emoticon for a shocked thumbs up.  Because, it just doesn't happen in real life.  No one ever reacts to being shocked by giving 2 thumbs up.  It just goes to show, you can learn a lot from little yellow faces that reiterate a point you just made with text. 

Cream Cheese on the Side

As a loyal Dunkin Donuts customer, there is one thing I have learned about ordering bagels from them.  Never ever, ever get your bagel with cream cheese on it.  This is especially important to me because I am the type of person that will spread my cream cheese or peanut butter or mayonnaise for like 15 minutes to make sure it is completely evenly distributed throughout the sandwich.  I mean, if I'm eating a Pizzle Bizzle and Jizzle sangy, I don't one bite to be packed full of peanut butter creaminess and another to be completely lacking of that same sensation! It just doesn't make sense.  I want every bite to be like, "wow, this is the same amount of peanut buttery greatness that I experienced in my last bite."  Ok anyway, back to Dunkin Doozies.  When they claim they are putting cream cheese on the bagel, what they are essentially doing is creating an 8 inch tall sandwich with a 2 pound ball of cream cheese in the middle.  It's like they take absolutely no effort to spread it out what so ever.  And to top it off, those stupid crags don't even give you a knife, as if to say that that is the correct way to apply cream cheese, and they will not aid us in anyway to remedy the situation.  Fuck that.  Either give me a knife, or keep your stupid ass cream cheese balls off my bagels.

Oh and also, fucking shake my coffee bitch.  I'm sick of them handing me a coffee that is black on the top, white on bottom and no napkins to protect myself when I'm forced to shake it up.  Iziots.

My Professor

I think one of my professors just told one of my classmates to shut the fuck up.  It was awesome.

I ate Something...

I woke up today and i was starving.  I ran up stairs, grabbed what I thought was a muffin and scarfed that shit down.  Turns out it was actually an 8 year old boy.  You'd think I would've noticed by like half way through but I really had no idea. I was so hungry.

BO 2

Are people with BO following me around? I don't get it. Do they think I have a lufa and some body wash that they can borrow and use to remove the stench of friendlessness? I'm still at Barnes and Noble and this guy just sat about 4 feet from me. Weirdly enough tho, it seems as tho his BO sat directly on my lap and kissed me on the lips. If this wasn't bad enough, he's weird on top of it. He sat down with 5 books and 4 magazines. Oh, holdon, these two stories are coming together. One of the books is called "the divorce remedy." If the author of the book knew this man the table of contents would be as follows:

Chapter 1
Take a shower.

Chapter 2
Do it again

Chapter 3
Stop following Adam
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Barnes and Noble 3

People are weird. There is a couple sitting next to me. The man has two braided ponytails down to his nips, wearing black corderoys and cowboy boots. His wife is wearing purple leather pants and a hat with a feather in it. They are sitting in the same chair, reading a book about astrology amd humming the same song. Weird.
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Barnes and Noble 2

People are weird. There is a woman sitting next to me. She is wearing white sneakers, high white socks, white american eagle shorts, a white t shirt, a white zip up sweatshirt, a white jacket and a white scarf. Weird.
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Barnes and Noble

People are weird. I'm currently oin the bathroom at Barnes amd Noble. I'm writing because I just witnessed something odd. The guy in the stall next to me just finished up his business. But he picked up hos barnes and noble bag and put on his jacket before wiping. Weird.
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Sun glasses

Well this is awesome. What a nice little treat for me. So I'm at barnes and noble and I see this guy bending over to look at a book on the bottom shelf. You know how some times you lose ur balance when you're bent over that far? Well it happened to this guy, but that's not all. As he lost his balance his sunglasses fell off of his head and happened to land directly where his foot was about to land. So recap this guy bent over to check out a book, lost his balance and crushed his sunglasses. Awesome.
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2000th Hit.

So, I'm looking at my hit counter at the bottom of the page and I see us creeping close to number 2000.  I want to know who my 2000th hit was.  So, while your reading this, please scroll down and check to see what number you are.  If you're lucky number 2000, I want you to comment on this post and let me know so I can get you your prize. 

Tenacious D

I just remembered another little tidbit from last night.  I'm not sure what bar this happened in, but I know it happened near the front door.  Not sure if that helps.  Anyway, I'm standing next to this girl, not talking to her.  All of a sudden, the song, Fuck Her Gently by Tenacious D came on and I flipped the switch.  I spun this girl around, looked her deep in the eyes and started singing Fuck Her Gently at the top of my lungs, right in her face.  It was amazing. Not because, I knew all the words, because I didn't.  And not because I sounded great, because I didn't.  But because she was looking back at me and it was as if I was Andrea Bocelli singing the most beautiful love song ever.  The look on her face was absolutely priceless.  I've never seen a girl more mesmorized by the line, "What's your favorite dish? I'm not gonna cook it but I'll order it from Zanzabars!!!!!!"  The best part about it?  She was finishing my lines but not singing them, kind of like whispering them to herself because she was in awe of me.  I don't think I said anything to her after the song ended.  We just went our separate ways.  But I'm pretty sure, for those 3 minutes, that girl thought I was her soul mate.

Bitches

12:30 AM:   
 I hate girls who think they are hot. Fuck them. I'm at a bar right now. I ordered a drink and as I walked away some girl tried to grab my drink out of my hand. I said "what are you doin?" And she said "you should give me your drink." Fuck her. No matter how hot she was I would have said the same thing. I said "listen, I know guys think ur hot but ur not hot enough to for me to give my drink to." Then she had the balls to get mad and call her friend over and say, "can u believe this guy won't give me his drink?" Her friend said to me "omg just give her your drink!" I turned to her and laid the law down. I said "listen, you could be the best looking girl here but I wouldn't give you my drink becuase ur such a bitch. The more you think you deserve a drink from a guy, the less people think of you. That's just how it goes." Fuck girls.

9:18 AM:

Holy Shit! I totally forgot this happened.  Thank god I posted it last night.  I just got so mad when I read this.  I can't believe I didn't dump my drink on that bitch's head.  Oh boy I'm so pissed right now I'm going to punch something.  Shit, come on. What are the odds I'd be sitting next to a nun when I decide to punch something.  I gotta go get some ice.

Today at Bueno y Sano

So, it's around 330, I skipped lunch and breakfast and so I clearly had the hunger. I thought to myself, what could I eat right now that would include beans, rice, cheese, chicken, guacamole, sour cream and a tortilla wrap.  It took me a while to put it together but I decided to get a burrito from Bueno y Sano.  So I ordered, paid and as I was leaving, a woman came in the door.  She looked a little disheveled and a little wobbly and said, "excuse me."  Here we go.  She says, "I have an overactive bladder and my medicine is really expensive.  I'm not from around here and I can't get to my doctors office."  I'm thinkin to myself, what the hell is this woman talking about. She continues on, "do you think you could help me?" I look at my friend, then back at this woman, then back at my friend, then back at this woman.  Finally I said, "I don't know what you're asking for.  Do you want bladder medicine?"  I legit thought that was what she wanted.  It wasn't.  She just wanted money so I dropped two bones on her head.  Weird part was that I had just picked up my prescription of Detrol LA.

Poll #2

Just so you know, when asked if you would rather have no knees or no elbows,  66% of you said you would rather have no knees while the other 33% said you would rather have no elbows. 

For the people who said they would have no elbows, answer me this.  How do you plan on:
1. eating
2. putting on deodorant
3. wiping after dookies
4. doing your hair
5. scratching any part on your body above your thighs
6. picking your nose?

Idiots

BO

How is it possible for people to have such BO that you can smell them as they walk by you?  I can't figure it out.  If I can smell you from 3 feet away, can't you smell yourself?  Your nose is 8 inches from your armpit (depending on nose length, height, and neck length) and you can't smell yourself?  Yet I'm 36 inches away and I feel like you're BO is punching me in the face and raping me.  It shouldn't be allowed.  BO should be a misdemeanor offense and should be fineable. $100 per armpit that gives off an odor noticeable from 3 feet away.  I'll send this link to congress so that can get started on passing the law.

My roommate

Wow. I'm kind of at a loss for words.  One of my roommates just went into the bathroom and took a poop.  He then realized that there was no toilet paper in the bathroom.  Instead of yelling for us to help him out, he just wiped with a towel.  Then didn't throw it out.
 

$10 Raffle Winner!

Well it's final.  The $10 raffle has finally come to an end.  We had 23 contestants, 2 winning a double entry, so the odds of winning were actually 25:1 for most of you.  Let's get to it.

The winner of the first annual $10 Raffle is..................................................

Melissa Maxwell of  Farmington Hills, Michigan is our winner! Melissa entered the contest with this comment:

Name: Melissa Sue Maxwell
Eyes: Hazel

My Favorite TV Characters:
10. Andy Botwin-Weeds
9. Chandler Bing-Friends
8. Barney Stinson-How I Met Your Mother
7. Eric-Entourage
6. Nate Fisher-Six Feet Under
5. Dwight K. Schrute-The Office
4. Bill Haverchuck-Freaks and Geeks
3. Buster Bluth-Arrested Development
2. Mr. G-Summer Heights High
1. Charlie Kelly-It's Always Sunny


Congratulations to Melissa!

I found God

He was hiding under my bed all along.  We started playing a game of hide and seek like 3 days ago and I just could not find that son of a bitch anywhere! I looked everywhere.  Noah's Ark, the Garden of Eden, Gotham City, in the attic, in hell (that was a long shot) and I just couldn't find him.  Finally, I thought to myself, If I was God, where would I be hiding.  Well, it turns out he wasn't in Carmen Electra's pants either.  But then I thought to myself again, I was God, and I wasn't in Carmen Electra's pants, where would I be hiding.  Then It hit me.  And I was like hey, It, why the fuck did you just hit me?  What could I have possibly done to deserve that?  And Cousin It from Addam's Family just shrugged his shoulders and left.  That's when I realized it, God's under the bed!  Just like the bible said on page 241, "And He hiddeth under thy bed, and it was good."

Battle of the Silent Poops

I'm not sure if it's just me or not, but when I do #2 in a public bathroom, I try to be as quiet as possible if there is someone in there with me.  I'm not sure why I get so self-conscious about loud bowel movements but I just feel like its my duty (pun intended) to keep it to myself.  So anyway, I just went into the mens room, grabbed my favorite stall and sat down.  The other stall was currently occupied.  So me being the way I am, I decided to just sit there and hang out quietly until he left.  Well, apparently there's at least one other person at Umass that has this same belief.  He refused to make a move.  We both sat there in silence, with a total understand of what was happening.  I decided to test the waters, and see if I could take care of business silently.  I couldn't so I put a stop to that immediately.  The silence continued for another minute or two until the other guy just got up and left.  You better believe, I wasn't risking another battle.  I've got two midterms this week that I need to study for so I couldn't afford sitting on a toilet silently for 2 hours so I went to town on that bad boy before anyone else came in.  It wasn't the best I've ever had, but i took consolation in the fact that I won that battle.

Double Entries

As I mentioned in the rules of the comment contest, which you can still enter for the next 12 hours, any comments that were especially funny, would get that person entered in the raffle twice.  Well we had 2 such comments and here they are.


#1
From: Tom Malvesti of Quincy, MA

Fact: Went to the doctors a few days ago and the nurse proceeded to take my sons temp rectally.. When she got it in my little man erupted projectile poop and out came the thermometer and poo all over the place. I jumped back about three feet and the little guy got me all over my pants. touche little one touche.
Note: Nurse didnt wear gloves serves her right
Question: Adam are you inventing thermometer mini bombs? If so, was that a test trial? or pure coincidence?


 #2.
From: Derek Miller of Whitman, MA

Fact: Goldberg's birthday was a few weeks ago. We went to the pub, we all got mangled and forgot about him. Chase woke up the next morning with a phone call from Goldberg asking him to pick him up from the hospital. He didn't know what happened the night before, who dropped him off, or why he was there. Turned out he was walking in the middle of Somerville and a cop pulled him over. The cop asked him if he had been drinking. Goldberg responded, "Guess how many beers I've had." Mystery solved.



Remember, the contest ends at 10 PM tonight and the drawing will happen at some point tomorrow night.  Good luck. 

List of Things I can Say in Russian

...

Aliens Abducted Me

Ok, so I'm walking down the street, jammin out to some Ace of Base, when all of a sudden, absolutely nothing happened, so I just continued on down the street.  Then all of a sudden again, this bright beam of light illuminates everything around me, and I was like holy shit! The suns coming up.  This story began at about 6:52 AM.  Anyway, so now that I can actually see my surroundings,  I realize that I wasn't actually walking down a street, but actually I was running down a street.  After about another minute, I was exhausted so I started walking.  All of a sudden, an Super Craft 747 flies down from the heavens and begins hovering above me.  A small silver door opens up and a ladder comes falling down from the opening.  At the bottom of the ladder was a note that read, "Hi, I am the son of a Nigerian Prince.  My father left me a large sum of money that is inaccessible at this time.  Here is a check for $100,000 if you don't believe me.  Come on up and we can discuss this further."  Well I'm thinking to myself, this seems perfectly legitimate, I'm in.  So I climb up the ladder and I'm immediately welcomed by Pierce Brosnan. We shake hands, embrace, arm wrestle, trade tamagotchis, discuss different weight bearing wall structures and then sit down.  A few minutes later, I see the silhouette of a strange figure appear before me.  I freaked out. I ran over to him, punched him in the dick twice and jumped ship.  Fuck silhouettes.

34 Hours to Enter

So as many of you know, the $10 Comment Raffle will be ending at 10 PM Monday, November 15, 2009.  This gives you just under 34 hours to enter the contest.  The rules are simple.  Click here and you'll be directed to the comment raffle posting.  Remember, if you win, you will have your picture taken with the check and that will be posted on the blog.  So if you enter, be prepared to become an overnight celebski.

Triangle Head Goes Trick or Treating

Here's your weekly fix of Triangle Head.

Adam Goes to the Library

The title of this post sounds like the title of a childrens book.  It's not though.  It's just a post on my blog.  Idiot.  And it's a lie as well.  I never went to the library.  Holy shit you totally fell for it.  You just got punk'd mother franker!  Man that was awesome.  Ashton! Come on out! 

Okay, so enough about that.  So I'm in the Isenberg Building right now and I'm walking by one of the study rooms and I see this guy sleeping with his head on the desk and I think to myself, this is a perfect opportunity.  So i opened the door quietly, I got right behind him.  I wrapped my hands around his neck and choked him until he no longer consisted of life pulse.  It was crazy.  He totally didn't see it coming.  And I was right, it was the perfect opportunity for my first kill.  I feel like I've really broadened my horizon today.