30,000 and Vegas? Don't Mind if I Do.

So, I found out yesterday at noon that today I would be leaving for Las Vegas at 4:30.  Amazing right?  Right!  So I'm sitting here at the airport waiting for my plane to take me to an amazing place where I plan to make it fucking rain on the craps table.  Me and my cousin, D-reezy, are gonna light this place up.  And if I'm not making it rain, I'm gonna be shooting machine guns and blowing shit away. 

Now I know going on this trip is awesome, but the story before leaving is not nearly as interesting as the story after I get home.  So, I'll stop talking about it until I get back. 

On an equally amazing note, we're closing in on our 30,000th hit!  So just like always, I want someone to snap a picture of it if it's you.  So make sure after you read this, that you check out the bottom of the page to see if you're lucky #30,000.  The person that sends me this picture will win an amazing souvenir from Las Vegas, assuming I have enough money left to actually buy you anything. 

That is all, wish me luck!

Ugh

I have a huge presentation today.  Entertain yourself.

Big Foot Wuz Here

So, I was at the bar this past week and as usual, I was drinking beer.  Now, most of you know this about me already, but some of you may not so I thought I'd inform you that usually when I drink beer, I end up having to pee later.  So eventually after a while, I had to pee and when I'm at the bar, my absolute favorite place to go pee is in the men's room so that's where I took myself. 

That is where this story took a scary yet mysterious yet intriguing turn.  As I stepped up to the urinal, I looked around to take in my surroundings, get a real feeling for the bathroom you know?  That's when I saw it - the scariest, grossest, most peculiar thing in the world.  A pube the size of a fork! That's right! Look at this mother whattin' beast!

What monstrosity of a man left this behind?  And possibly an even more interesting question, how the hell did it end up on the top of the urinal, which is about 4 feet high.  Let's think about this.  First of all, this has to be the hairiest man on Earth with absolutely no manscaping capabilities/considerations.  Second of all, he needs to be tall enough that a pube could fall out and still land on the top of the urinal. 


Looking at all the facts, it's pretty clear that there's really only one possibility.  Big Foot stopped by Rafter's in Amherst, MA to catch a football game and drain the lizard.  What else could have left something like this behind?  Nothing.  That's what.  If anyone has any more information on this story, like when Big Foot was there and if he'll be back soon, I'd love to hear about it.

P.S. You should note that the fork wasn't there when I saw the pube.  There's just no way to see the pube's true size unless there is something to compare it to. 

So, I got a new lizard.  As some of you know, Hans wasn't eating when I brought him home to the Edge.  The people at the pet store said it was probably stress.  Anyway, I took him back to he wouldn't die and I picked up his cousin, Chief Wilbur Smithsonian, also known as C.W., C-dubs, Wilby, The Chief, and Wilburwilburwilbur. 

Unfortunately, Wilbur is not the most well behaved lizard in the world.  I take him out all the time to play with him and let him explore the house.  He jumps from table to table, climbs curtains, and hides in magazines.  He also has a very bad habit of pooping when I'm holding him/hanging out with him.

Over a 3 day period, Wilbur pooped and peed on my computer, on the pants of my suit which I had picked up from the dry cleaners the day before, and in my hand.  Yup!  I'm sitting there, holding this little bugger, telling him how much I love him and he fucking shits in my hand.  What the flop!  To be honest, I blame TV and the internet.  Lizards these days have no respect for their parents or authority figures.  They just go around peein on computers and shitting in people's hands and its unacceptable.  These lizards are the future of this country and if something doesn't change, this country is going to be in trouble.

On top of all that, Wilbur bit me last night! Right on my thumb!  Now granted he has no teeth and it didn't hurt at all, but it scared the shit out of me.  For a split second, I thought it was a crocodile chomping down on my hand getting ready to go into a death roll.  Then I realized he was 5 inches long and I could've just thrown him across the room if I wanted to.  I didn't though cuz he's my little pal and boys will be boys right?

That's all for now on Wilbur.  Good day. 

 PS Don't expect a post on Friday.  I've got more work than my little brain can handle, I almost chose not to write this one. 

Umass + Freshmen = Idiots

So this past week, I had to watch presentations put on by class i TA for.  Apparently no one has ever told these kids either how to dress for a presentation or how to act during presentations.  Here are a few of the things I noticed/saw during the presentations.

• 8 kids in the class wore sweatpants during their presentation.  1 wore a matching sweat pant/sweat shirt combo.
• 5 kids were wearing hats while they presented, 2 of which were backwards. 
• 3 kids were wearing work boots.
• 1 kid wore dress pants and a button down shirt tucked in with no belt.
• 1 kid was sleeping during the other presentations
• 1 kid was facing the screen while his group presented with his back to the crowd.
• 1 kid actually looked at the screen with his back to us while he was talking!

 So ya, that's just a few of the things I noticed during the presentations.  If I was to actually list all of the stupid things they actually said during their presentations, this list would be 15 times longer.  I can't figure out if these kids are just idiots or if they just don't think at all.  Or are those the same things?

What the hell is Umass admissions doing over there.  Is there any sort of screening process or do you just have to know how wear Uggs and/or sweat pants to get into this school.  Either way, I can't wait to grade their papers because I have a feeling I'm going to just be screaming at the top of my lungs as their idiocy.  I'll keep you posted on that one.

Come on Hands! Get with It!

So, it was a nice Wednesday morning.  I woke up before my alarm around 7:15 AM.  I checked my clock and laid back down, a little nervous about my two presentations that I had to make that day.  The first of which began at 8:15 AM.  I closed my eyes and expected to get 10 more minutes of sleep before my alarm went off at 7:25.  Again, I wake up, this time to birds chirping outside my window (not really but it adds to the story) and I check my clock to see how much time I have until my alarm goes off.

8:01 AM. FUCK.

Oh ya. It's time to freak out.  Keep in mind,  I usually give myself 20 minutes to leave my house and get to class on time.  I now have 14 minutes to get out of bed, get dressed, and get to class on time.  Luckily, like the little weirdo I am, I have my shirt laid out on my futon and my pants and socks laid out on my computer chair.

I jump out of bed faster than I start dance circles (which is really fast) and immediately grab my pants.  I slip them over my feet and pull them up and begin to try and button them.  Normally, this wouldn't be an issue.  But for some fucking reason, both of my hands are asleep.  What are the odds?  Seriously.  I'm yelling at my hands, "Come on! Come on!"  Shaking them so violently trying to get them to function even at like 20% capacity.  I give up on doing my pants and grab my socks and somehow slip them on.  I get my undershirt and shirt on and by that time, with my pants by my ankles, my hands have woken from their slumber and I am able to get my pants on.

I look to my deodorant which is on the other side of my room.  Well fuck that.  I pack up my computer, grab my keys, phone, wallet, bottle of water, and my belt, throw 8 tic tacs in my mouth and run the fuck out to my car knowing I have a little tube of toothpaste in there from the dentist.  I start the car, back out of my driveway at 65 MPH and burn down my street. (Not really, my car has been running horribly and it was sputtering the whole way down my street.)  I throw some toothpaste on my finger while I'm stopped at a traffic light - mind you, a traffic light that I hit while it is green nearly 95% of my time.  I race through 2 more yellow lights on my way and ignore 3 separate crosswalks with people waiting to cross them.

Somehow I make it to my parking lot with 3 minutes to spare so I hop out of my car and do the back pack run.  That's right.  The most embarrassing run of all time.  Running with a back pack will never look good cuz you do the same thing every time.  You grab the straps with your hands and pull them down so your bag bounces as little as possible.  You take full strides yet you stand up straighter than you're normal run for no known reason.  Also, for some reason there seems to be a little more of a bounce in your step than usual.  All in all, the back pack run sucks, but it did get me to class in time.

Turns out my presentation wasn't until the end of class and the only thing I got to class on time for was to receive my awful grade on the quiz he was handing back that day.  Hooray!

What I Do When I Blackout

So the other night, my friends and I went to another friend's apartment with plans to go to a great bar called, Cleary's.  We started drinking and having a good time, chatting it up with long lost friends and eating pita chips and tortilla chips and chocolate covered raisins (love em!)  Anyway, it started getting late, we all started getting drunk, and then someone made the executive decision not to go to the bar and just stay at the apartment.

At first I was a little upset because I love Cleary's and I love dancing and you can dance at Cleary's so it's a great combo for me.  But then I started to get really drunk and so I got happy again.  So I was really drunk and what did I do? I kept drinking until I was black out drunk.

Then I realized, I do the same things every time I black out.  Side note: I only know these things because of stories, pictures and videos that my friends show/tell me because clearly I don't remember what I do when I'm black out.

• Dance - I always dance when I'm blackout.  Even if no one else is dancing.  Even if there is no music being played. I'm gonna dance, especially if there is a banana near me, as proven by this picture.

 

• Magic - That's right, I don't care what you think, I do magic.  And if I'm super drunk, I screw up most of my tricks yet I'm sure I still think it's impressive.  And finally, if I'm really really drunk, I'll teach my tricks to other people so they realize just how crazy my magic skills are.  Pathetic, I know. Shut up.
• Text - This usually gets me into trouble, but sometimes I just have glorious moments and text things that no one will ever understand.  Like this one: "Clearly i am an unstoppable lyrical force laid upon shallow graves that I hope the beats contained within give way to the god layin/dow his blazenous sword."  What the fuck does that mean?  No one will ever know.

I'm sure I do a lot more than that, but I'm yet to get confirmation from my friends about it so next time you see a pattern forming during my blackouts, you better let me know.

Pee: Its Still Better than the WNBA Poll #23

This is a sad day for women's professional basketball.  It's a great day for professional pee-ers though.  According to the last poll, my followers and I would rather take a shower in pee than watch the WNBA.  To be honest, who is surprised by this?  Have you ever watched the WNBA?  It's like the NBA but its being played in quick sand.  Not only that, the proportion of ratio of white to black athletes in the WNBA is higher than that of the NBA, no wonder the quality of the basketball is lower.  Either way, I love that you guys love pee so much.

Who would of thought I had a bunch of freaky deaky weirdos reading this blog?  I mean, I assumed there was the occasional pervert that may stumble onto my page and be intrigued by my baby picture at the top, but I didn't know just how far it went. 

And I know, it's just 1% of the water that is pee so who really even would ever notice.  But I decided to do the math on this and really put it into perspective.  If instead of the 1% being mixed in throughout the shower, it came all at once, I bet that would have changed some of your minds.  Think about it.  If it is a 10 minute shower, 1% of that would make your shower all pee for 6 seconds.  Now you're probably thinking, 6 seconds isn't that long.  Well it is when you're being peed on, trust me.  Sad part for the WNBA is that I actually calculated that math and still went with the pee.  

Good times. 

Party Formula

So, as some of you may know, my house is hosted a party this weekend to celebrate a couple of birthday parties for our friends.  This was be our third party of the year and probably the 10th party we've had at this house.  During these 10 parties, I have noticed that we have fallen into a certain pattern where all of our parties fit the same mold.  This is how it goes.

• All of our snacks (chips, pretzels, salsa, candy) are served in pots and pans.  Classic.
• We suggest that everyone show up around 930 or 10.  Unfortunately, only one or two people show up that early, and they are the people we were hoping weren't going to come at all.
• We start a list for beruit and put on sports on the TV to keep everyone entertained.
• Every 15 minutes or so we put on a great song that makes everyone want to sing and/or dance.
• One person throws up and 8 people pee in the bushes out front.
• Once people have made the rounds in beruit, we switch over to beirip cup.
• My team wins beirip cup and then we move on to Vinnie Cup.
• I usually win that (first loss ever this past weekend) and then people start leaving.
• The next morning, I wake up, vaguely remembering any of the night and somehow the house is clean because my roommates cleaned after I passed out.  

Now for the most part, I'm usually a stickler about changing things up and doing things differently to keep it spicy.  Well not when it comes to these parties.  This is a guaranteed formula that has only produced one flop in its entirety and personally I blame my roommate Shmuanmarlos Shmunez for that.  If you come to our next party, which will be in January celebrating all of the summer birthdays that have been ignored for our entire lives, you will see that this formula is golden and should not be questioned.

PS I know this post sucked and ur just gonna have to deal with it.

PPS I am taking a Thanksgiving break and will post again on Monday.

PPPS I might sneak one in later this week about the last poll and the amazing finish.

PPPPS This is the most PS's ive ever had before.

PPPPPS Now its even more than it was two seconds ago.

No Tie Tonight!

We cannot let this poll end in a tie! So you better non-voters better vote and resolve this thing! Wake up and let's get busy!

I'm a Bum

Well, yesterday was my day off and let me tell you, I really took that phrase to heart.  I had a pretty busy Sunday doing work all day, and a pretty busy Monday with 4 classes and a presentation.  When Tuesday came around it was great.  Here is what I did yesterday:

10:00 AM - Wake up.
10-12 PM - Watch 5 episodes of Community
12- 1 PM - Made an awesome scrambled egg sandwich and watch an episode of Community
1 - 3 PM  - Did several sets of pushups, dips, and crunches, while watching 5 more episodes of Community.
3 - 330 PM  - Searched for jobs at Cabella's and Bass Pro Shops (didn't find any)
330- -5 PM - Made a sandwich for dinner and watched an episode of the Closer and an episode Law and Order SVU
5:00 - 5:02 PM  - Wrote the first half of this post.
5:02 - 9:00 PM - Watched 8 more episodes of Community and did a tiny bit of work.
9 - 11:10 PM - Played 4 games of Fifa and 4 games of NHL with my roommate Chris
11:10 - 11:30 PM - Watched another episode of Community
11:30 - 11:40 PM - Took a shower
11:40 - 12 AM - Watched another episode of Community.

So, in a 14 hour span, I watched 21 episodes of Community, and one episode each of the Closer and Law and Order, which, after removing commercials equals 8.75 hours of watching TV.  Totally normal.  I swear I'm not a complete waste of space, I may have been today but this is a bit out of the ordinary for me.  Tomorrow, I go back to being a productive little hamster and I'm gonna run on the wheel of education all day.  But for now, I think I'll watch 2-3 more episodes of Community and then go to sleep.

I hope all of you had as great a day as me.

PS I'm a fucking idiot.  $10 says this day is the reason I don't get a job after graduation. 

That's Not How You Do It!

So this past Thursday we were at a bar with a big dance floor and you all know that when I get on the dance floor, dance circles are inevitable.  Well this night in particular we had some pretty good ones going on.  We started doing spin the bottle dance circle like we always do and I was ripping it up, moonwalking in my gold shoes as I always do.

One thing you should know about this bar is that it is like 50% underage girls, which is fun and annoying at the same time.  For example, there was a girl talking to my friend who looked like she was about 14 years old.  During the conversation she asked my friend, "Did you guys use your real IDs to get in?"  and what shocked and so excited to learn that we had.  Amazing.

Anyway, so we're on the dance floor and it's going well.  All of a sudden, the bottle lands on a girl who looks like she got dressed in the dark.  I knew immediately shit girl was gonna be an idiot of all sorts.  We tell her it landed on her and she had to dance, so she did.  Then we told her to spin the bottle.  So she did...unfortunately, she did it like a fucking idiot.

 

I kid you not, she held the bottle out at shoulder height, spun it and dropped it on the floor.  And smash!  Awesome!  We've got a shattered bottle and glass everywhere in our dance circle.  What the fuck?  Now either this girl is a mothea flippin moron and just doesn't understand how glass works.  Or (most likely reason) she saw how popular I was becoming by leading the dance circle and she is one to never be out done and knew this could be the downfall of her college career if I steal the spotlight from her so she threw the bottle on the floor, smashing both the bottle and my chances to become a dance floor king.


F That!  Little did she know, I had a back up bottle in my back pocket, so I moved the group off to the side and started that shit right up again.  That's why they call me the Dancing In Circles King, or DICK for short.

Buncha Stylish Douches

So as you all know from my experience of being called a landscaper, I was in NYC last weekend.  As i wandered the city and pretended to live the life of a New Yorker, I pondered what my life would be like if I actually lived there. And I realized that I would be in jail in about a week or so for assault with a deadly weapon because without a doubt, after a week, I would be so sick of seeing all of these people that think they are so stylish,  I would just start beating people with hammers.

Here are some of the people I happened to see as I was walking down 5th avenue.

1. A girl wearing neon green pants, neon green shoes, neon green sunglasses, a neon green belt, and a neon green purse.  What the what?! Like really, did she just get gakked on What Would You DO with host Marc Summers? 

2. A guy wearing a pink tie.  Now usually, that's not so bad.  Unfortunately, this guy had to take it to the next level.  He had the skinny part of the tie, the part that is supposed to be in the back, about twice as long as the the fat part.  Hey Bub, that's not stylish, that's just messing up on tying your knot.  Is that what style is now?  Just getting dressed improperly?  Perfect, I'm going to start clipping suspenders to my hats and putting my arm through the neck hole instead of my sleeves.

3. This guy I should have just knocked out on the spot.  He was wearing the smallest pair of glasses I have ever seen.  I swear to god, this is no exaggeration, the lens of his glasses were the size of nickels.  NICKELS!  Think about how small that is.  Its smaller than a quarter and a little bigger than a penny. 

Motha frankin New York City.  I swear, if I move there and I start dressing like these white stains, you guys all better mail me a kick in the groin.  I probably won't sign for it but it'll be the gesture that really counts. 

Hans and Poll #23

As you all know I had a poll last week asking which kind of pet I should get and 24 of you voted.  More importantly, 8 of you voted for a lizard and I never ignore my followers, so what did I do?  I bought a lizard.  Yup, that's right.  I bought a god damn lizard and he's fucking awesome. 

WHAT followers, I would like to introduce you to Hans Gruber!

He's the man right? Right!  If you guys ever want to play with him, you just come over and let him crawl all over you.  It's so fun.  He's got these little toes and they tickle your penis.  I'm kidding.  I just got him, we've decided to take it slow. 

Anyway, he's awesome and he's actually sitting on my keyboard right now and kind of making it hard for me to type.  Im gonna put him on my head.  There we go, that's so much better.  So anyway, a lot of you have been saying things like, he'll be dead in two weeks and i bet he doesn't survive until New Years.  Well you know what?  I can't wait for you to have a baby.  Cuz i'm gonna come to the hospital and say the same thing and see how you feel, ya jerks!

Ok, I'm gonna go hand feed Hans some baby food now and then it's bed time for the little guy.

Happy Birthday WHAT!!

Well well well!!! Its been 1 mother frankin year! Holy shit. Can you believe it? I sure as hell can't.  It really is absurd.  I still remember the day I started it, my best friend told me I would be bored with this in 3 weeks.  Well best friend, you can eat my stinky archives bitch! 

What a great year it has been.  Here's a quick recap:

1. 102 Followers
2. 77 FBook Likes
3. Over 27,000 Hits
4. Hits in 49 States (Fuck You North Dakota!)
5. Hits in 67 Countries
6. Several Prizes Won ($10, WHAT T-Shirt, 6 Pack of Beer)
7. 0 Prizes Paid Out
8. $100 raised toward the Triangle Head Tattoo

Wow.  I know, right?! Well, anyway, I was actually in a bar in NYC when it officially became the one year anniversary of WHAT.  Unfortunately, I wasn't in the best mood when this great moment happened and here's why.

So we were at the bar and this girl walks in with skin tight leather pants and I turned to my friend and said, "That was hottest girl in the world."  Before he saw her she went up stairs so we decided to wander up there and find her.  As we were walking to the stairs, we overheard another guy turn to his friend and say, "Holy shit, that was the hottest girl in the world."  I turned to him and said I know! and he joined us on the quest upstairs.

So we get up there and we're walking behind her when I bump into some girl.  I turn to her and say sorry, and she says, "Landscaper!"  I wasn't sure if that was how you say it's ok in New York so I was like huh? And she was like "Landscaper!"  Again, I was like I dunno what you're talking about.  Then she did it.  She said to me "You look like you mow lawns!"  HOLY FUCK!

I wouldn't believe if I hadn't heard it with my own earballs.  I couldn't even comprehend it.  There I am, sports coat on, lookin sexy, wearing cuff links for God's sake, and she calls me a fucking landscaper.  Well, I don't take shit like that, so I fucking drilled her in the face.  Literally, knocked her the fuck out.  I fuckin Snookied her. 

Not really, but I should've!  If she hadn't been a giant oaf, whose make up was all smeared, I would've let loose on her, but I figured her current look was punishment enough.  Anyway, that's how I celebrated WHAT's 1 year anniversary, by being called a landscaper. 

Either way, it's been a great year and this next one is gonna be even better.  Maybe by next November 6th I'll look like the manager of a landscaping company rather than an actual lawn mower.

Candy Corn?! You Idiots! - Poll #21

So it looks like my followers are just a bunch of big iziots!  I had a poll last week asking whether or not candy corn was good or not.  And well, it ended in a tie at 14-14.  So that's okay I guess...

OK OK! I admit it! I cheated.  FUCK!! I've been arguing with my friends about whether candy corn was good or not and I say yes and my friends say no, so I let you guys decide.  And well, it turns out you're all a bunch of jerks.  In order to make sure that I didn't lose and embarrass myself so... I voted 3 times.

I'm sorry.  I know it was wrong but I couldn't help.  I didn't want to look like an idiot.  Unfortunately, I can't say the same for the person I watched walk face first into a telephone poll this past week.  That was awesome.  But back to me being a cheater.  Don't act like you're surprised, I cheat all the time.  For example!

• I've taken 7 years of Spanish and I don't know anything because I cheated my way through every year. 
• I once had a cheat sheet for a test in a history class, I dropped it into the aisle during the middle of the test, I didn't get caught!
• For my history of rock and roll class, I went to the first and last class, copied my cousins paper from the year before, made up a research paper, and cheated off 3 people for the final, and got an A+.  I didn't even know they had A+'s in college.

Anyway, I'm a cheater. Deal with it.

I Hate Fake Teeth!

A Basketball Court
A Piece of String
An Ear of Corn
A Spatula

What do all of these things have in common?  Yup, you guessed it, they have all been responsible for me chipping my teeth.  Although it is quite an eclectic group, these things haunt me day in and day out and they are keeping me from living life to the fullest.

Every time I step onto a basketball court, I ask myself, "Is today the day that the floor punches me in the mouth again?"  Up to this point, it hasn't been, but still...ya know?  I used to be the sickest three point shooter ever.  I'd walk onto that court, no fears in my mind, other than the fear of losing all of my friends for embarrassing them on the court.  Now when I walk onto the court, I have two fears!  Still the same fear of losing my friends, cuz let's be honest, I still sick wit it from behind the arc.  But now, I'm also afraid of the floor trying to steal my two favorite teeth again.

I can't even eat corn like a big boy anymore.  I need to cut it off with a knife and eat it with a fork. A FORK!!!  That's not how corn was made to be eaten.  It's embarrassing.  I've stopped eating corn in public.  I won't even do it in front of my parents.  I don't want them to be ashamed of their little baby 25 year old forkin corn eater.  (forkin kinda sounded like fuckin right there).

And now spatulas?! Are you kidding me?! I can't even get into a spatula fight with my good friend Shmean Shmiminick without losing part of my face?!  What kind of world is this where spatulas are my number 3 worst enemy?  A terrible world, that's what!  Last week, I had a nightmare where a giant spatula was chasing me down the street and it kept slapping me on the butt.  I woke up just as I realized he had chipped my butt.  It was horrible.  I was so nervous all day that I stole a tray from the Newman Cafe and kept it in my pants so my butt wouldn't chip.

So all in all, thanks fake teeth, for being the worst thing in my life, except for wet socks and people who use the cross walk button.

Hmm... A New Pet?

So I decided last week that I would get a new pet.  When I say pet, I mean something that can live in 20 gallon fish tank, like a snake or lizard or hamster.  I've got some options right now that I'm pondering but I've decided to look outside of my group of friends and see what the world wide web thinks I should get for a pet.  I took several quizzes to see which type of pet would be fitting for me.

One test asked me about the size of my house/yard, how much time I have on my hands, and what I want to do with my pet.  Based on my answers of, A) Nice sized house with grass in the yard, B) Lots of time, C) Cuddle and Hold, this test told me I should get a...Horse! A horse?! That's a joke right?  Is a horse even a pet? Seems more like a job to me.  How could wanting to hold and cuddle my pet make them think of a horse!? And I didn't say my house was huge and my stable was empty.  I said my house was nice sized and my backyard had some grass.  Thanks Quibblo.com, you fuckin idiots.

I took another test on Youthink.com  One of the questions asked me what I would do if I had a day to do whatever I want.  Mind you, this is a quiz asking "What kind of pet should you get?"  One of my choices to this answer was "Go outside and play with my owner."  Hmm...I have a feeling this quiz was created for either dogs or slaves.  Another question asked me, Do you have siblings? My choices: A) No, Just me. B) No, I don't like anyone. C) Yes a brother. D) Yes, there are four of us in our litter.  So many issues with this.  For choice B, are they implying I had a sibling but killed him/her because I don't like anyone, cuz I'm pretty sure it's not my choice to have siblings.  For choice C, is having a brother the only option for siblings?  And choice D, once again, they've confused me with a puppy. Since, I had a brother, would do something relaxin, my favorite color was, "whatever," and I love steak, I should get a fish.  Sounds good to me!

I'll keep you posted.

Double Post Wednesday: I'm Funny

So last night, instead of writing a story about what happened to me today, I was emailing the head blogger at Stool La La, a spin off of Barstool Sports.  (please ignore the fact that I do go on that site even though it's mostly for girls.)  Anyway, I wrote her an email and guess what? Boom, she posted it.  You know why?  Cuz I'm funny.


Here's the link.  Enjoy.

PS Don't forget to read the other post from today and comment.

I'm Too Busy

2 Finals.
A Midterm.
Half A Tooth
Flag Football Playoffs
3 Halloween Costumes.

This is what I've been dealing with this week.  I'm too busy to post a story. So how about this.  You tell me a story. Or an interesting fact.  Or just anything you want and put it in the comments.  And I'll put them all together and come up with a beautiful tale for all of you to enjoy for Fridays post ok? Okay!

Average Night I Guess

Oh boy! I love Thursdays.  Every week for our graduate program we have TNO, or Thursday Night Out and we go to a different bar in Amherst and blah blah blah.  Anyway, for most people, this past Thursday would have been a absolutely ridiculous night but for me, I'd say it was pretty average, if you couldn't tell from my title.

So first things first, how did this night get started? Well, recently I decided I was going to start drinking wine and become culture and sophisticated and all that dumb shit.  So what did I do?  I went out and bought 8 bottles of wine (from the 2 for $10 rack) and downed a bottle and a half.

As soon as I got to the bar I enjoyed a few beers and I signed myself up to do No Diggity by Blackstreet which I absolutely killed.  Then things got a little fuzzy.  I remembered singing a few more times.  Turns out, a few more was actually like 6 or 7.  I remember at one point singing a song where I was pretty much just screaming at the top of my lungs but I'm pretty sure I killed that song too.  Then as my friend sang Hero, I enjoyed a middle school style slow dance in the middle of a practically empty bar. 

When I woke up in the morning, I felt these weird things on my legs and so I removed the covers.  What did I find?  About 15 candy corn strewn about in my bed.  No big deal.  I get out of bed and walk over to my dresser and find a bottle of green tobasco sauce.  No cap, just the bottle. And why would I want a cap?  How was i going to cover my jeans and shoes in tobasco sauce if it had a cover on it?

Next, I decided to check my phone and see what ridiculous things I had texted people while in this common state of inebriation.  And boy oh boy did I find a winner.  At one point in my textual ramblings, I dropped the following lines.

"All ants should consider you an ant superstar."   What the fuck does that mean?!

"Lemme buy you breakfast tomorrow, not because of politics but because we're friends."  I seriously don't know what was happening to me but apparently wine makes me the dumbest person ever.  Why would I ever buy someone breakfast because of politics in the first place?

So to recap

1. 1.5 bottles of wine
2. 5 or 6 beers
3. 7 or 8 songs of karaoke
4. Ant Superstar
5. Candy corn bed
6. Tobasco jeans and sneakers.

Like I said, an average night.

Adam T: Magician, Blogger, Break Dancer... and now Director

So as all of you know, I'm a man of many talents.  Here's a list of a few:

1. Magician
2. Blogger
3. Break Dancer
4. 3 Point Shooter
5. Pitcher
6. Beruit Player
7. Golden Tee Player
8. Awful Subletter Picker
9. Dinner Microwaver
10. Punching Machine Arcade Puncher
11. Handstander
12. Fishermen

Believe it or not, that's just 8% of the list.  One talent that most of you don't know about is my directing skillies.  In high school, I didn't do work.  What did I do?  I made videos.  I was the co-host of our daily cable morning show and I made commercials, intros and ridiculous videos.  Since my senior year, I've put down the camera and focused on drinking, which I must say, I've really dedicated myself to.

Anyway, this semester one of our projects was to create a commercial for Nike in the style they do it, by appealing to a subculture and blah blah blah all that marketing shizzle.  We decided to make an ad about sneakerheads and all the uses of Nike's and this and that and this and that and this and that and this and that and this and that.   So I made myself director of the video and it got an absolute A+ from our professor.  In fact, he's been showing it to his undergrad classes, other professors, and alumni of the program.  I dunno what the hell I did, all I know is that it's gold!

I'm sure I'll be hearing from either Nike or M. Night pretty soon to direct something else.  I'll keep you guys posted.  Until then, enjoy the Nike commercial "Possibilties."




P.S.  Trust me, I realize the scene with the 3 girls is awful.  That ones not my fault, I swear. Shut up.

P.P.S. There were other people in my group.  Happy Amy?

25,000th Hit and a Triple Whammy

So as you all know WHAT just got its 25,000th hit and as I do with any milestone, I always ask for a picture of the accomplishment.  Well it turns out this time that the 25,000th hit was actually from my cousin Derek.  This time it was a little different than the last few times.  Derek decided to get a little sassy this time and decided to take the picture of the 25,000th hit hostage.  Just a few minutes after we hit the milestone, I got an email from my cousin with the subject line, "Ransom" and he had 3 pictures attached to it.  The first was titled 24999, the next was 25001, and the final one was titled Ransom.  This was the Ransom picture.

I found this very ammusing and yet perplexing because I knew I would never be able to meet his demands.  I mean, where the hell would I find a black garbage bag.  The rest of it was doable but the bag was a deal breaker.  Fortunately, it didn't come to that because, not to my surprise, my cousin Derek is an idiot.  As I mentioned, he attached a picture titled 25001, which I am showing right here.

 

Like an idiot, Derek labeled his pictures wrong and sent me the picture of the 25,000th hit.  This came as great news to me and is the reason for the "Triple Whammy" in the title.  

Whammy #1 - I got my picture of the 25,000th hit.

Whammy #2 - I don't have to pay the winner a six pack which I was completely willing to do because of this ill-advised hostage situation.

Whammy #3 - I'm making Derek look like an idiot.

The reason that Derek's screw up came as no surprise to me is because this isn't the first time he has messed up a prank.  Two years ago, Derek had an awful roommate who moved out and screwed them so he decided to get his revenge by creating a fake email address and trick this girl, who was now looking for a new place, into thinking that he was a girl looking for a roommate.  It probably would have been great, except for one thing.  Like the idiot that he is, Derek actually used his real name while registering for this email address and since they used the same email server, when she received the email, it said "From Derek Rice."  

Bottom Line:  Derek's pranking skills are an embarrassment to our family and Armenians around the world. 

Did I seriously just do that?

So the other day, I'm sitting in my Sports Law class just maxin and relaxin.  One of the kids is giving us a presentation about a lawsuit between USA Soccer and Champion Sports blah blah blah.  I was actually pretty interested in the discussion and had thrown my input in a couple of times.  Towards the end of his discussion of this case, my focus began to drift as it usually does during class and I started thinking about our flag football team.  I'm thinking about the plays we ran the night before and the plays we should run next week.

Anyway!  As most of you know, I'm super competitive and so when I got to thinking about flag football, I got really into it and I was pretty much in my own world.  Well, one thing you should know about my own world is that it's okay to burp out loud.  Unfortunately, in reality, I wasn't in my own world.  In fact, I was in Sports Law class listening to a student presentation and it was in there which I burped out loud.  Yes.  You read that right.

I BURPED.  OUT LOUD. DURING SOME KIDS PRESENTATION.  Holy shit.  First thing that came out of my mouth after?  "Oh my God. I think I fell asleep."  Did I actually fall asleep?! NO! Why the fuck did I just say that!?  How could that possibly make this situation better.  Not only did I burp during this kid's presentation but then I went on to say that the reason I burped was because he had such a case of the borings that he put me to sleep?!  I should be shot in the face.

Immediately, the four people directly in front of me turned around at me.  But it wasn't like they just spun around and looked at me.  Oh no, it was much more dramatic than that.  All four of them, at the same time, gave me the slow, half head turn with a look of shock, horror and amazement on their faces. Their turn around was followed by the entire class turning around to look at me to see what kind of fucking monster would do such a thing.  But I'm not a monster!!1!

Not that it was any surprise to me, but my burp totally stole the show and the kid's presentation came to an abrupt end because no one could really get it together after.

Holy Shit! 25,000?!

That's right! 25,000! 25,000 hits on WHAT!!! As you know, we have had a contest for every major milestone on WHAT and we are coming up to our 25,000th hit! So its up to you to report it.

Every time you check out WHAT from now on I want you to scroll down to the bottom of the page and check if you are the 25,000th hit.  Because!  If you are the 25,000th hit, I will personally buy you a six pack of any beer you want! That's fuckin right! A six pack because that's 25,000 calories of beer and I think I owe it to you.

I know what you're thinking, 6 beers doesn't equal 25,000 calories.  Well you know what?  Fuck off you piece of mathematician shit. No one cares about you. 

So, if you are the 25,000th hit, i want you to take a picture with your cell phone and  text it to me at 781 831 3442.

P.S. I'm so dedicated to writing this post that I have chosen to  battle through a sneezing fest to keep writing. Unfortunately, during one of my sneezes I forgot to turn away and now my computer screen is covered in sneezebombs.. Whoops.

Anyway, good luck and I look forward to sharing this six pack with you.

GO WHAT!!!

In Case You Missed It

In case you missed it, I have added a twitter feed on the right of the blog for my twitter account, WatHappend2Adam.  I will be using it mostly to update you on idiots I encounter during the day, stupid things I say or do, or inventions that I might come up with.  Feel free to follow me on twitter or just constantly check the blog for updates.

Well That's Just Sad

So the other day I was on my way home from fishing and I saw something that made me want to cry.  It was a rainy Tuesday afternoon and I'm driving down the street in Amherst, MA.  A woman with a stop sign walked across the cross walk and held up the sign hoping to stop traffic.  She did it! (Isn't that amazing, you can just hold a stop sign anywhere you want and traffic around you will stop.)

Anyway, it was the person that she was holding the sign up for that this post is about.  It was a man probably in his 40s and he was riding a tandem bike... by himself! Hahaha! That is without a doubt the most pathetic thing ever in the history of everness.  It was amazing and sad at the same time.  The main reason it was so sad was because it was raining and I couldn't make fun of him without getting wet.  I so wanted to yell to him, "Hey! Can I borrow your friend's invisible cloak?." But I couldn't cuz I didn't want rain on my face! Stupid rain ruining my fun!

Awkward Embrace

So the other day I was driving down Route 9 right in front of Amherst College.  I was stuck in traffic and we weren't moving much.  I looked to my left and noticed a couple hugging and I thought, well that's normal so I looked away.  5 seconds later, I looked back again and they were still hugging and I thought, well that's less normal.  I decided not to look away this time.  I just stared at these two people who seem to be more in love with each other than Chicken and Buffalo Sauce.

Did they let go?  No.
Did they talk at all?  No.
Did they just stand there entwined in a passionate embrace for over 20 seconds?  Yes.

How can you have nothing better than that to do with your time?  I mean i love hugging, I'll be the first to admit that.  But I mean, I could've gotten 8 solid hugs and 6 high fives in the time these idiots were hugging for.  I think the most mysterious aspect of this whole Super-Hug was that I don't even know when it started.  The 20 seconds was just what I saw.  For all I know they had been standing there for the last two weeks.  Although I feel like it would have drawn more attention and maybe a few representatives from the Guinness World Record Book if they had been standing in one place hugging for 2 weeks, you never know though.  I also wonder if they went off and hugged someone else after or if they're like done hugging for the next month.  Can you use up all your hugability in one Mega-Hug?  I don't know but I'm willing to find out.  Who's got 2 weeks to spare?

Follow, Follow, Follow

So I know I've picked up a couple of new readers lately and I just wanted to remind everyone that we are nearing the 100 follower mark and that is a big deal.  Way back in the day I told everyone that if I got 100 followers I would by each and everyone of you a slice of apple pie and some ice cream so let's get that done.  It's really easy, just click follow, then sign in with a Google, AIM or Yahoo account.  Bingo bango zingo zango.  See you at pie & cream fest 2010. 

Collapse...and Cops!

So the other night we were hanging out at my friend Shmarin's house.  We were playing beruit and just having an all around good time.  I looked great as usual.  Let me just paint a picture of the deck.  There are 4 of us playing beruit.  There are two people in green plastic chairs, three people in patio furniture chairs and one person sitting on the edge of the deck.

Anyway, we're in the middle of a game and one of the balls goes bouncing off the side of the table.  One of my opponents went to catch it, and she did.  After she caught the ball, as she was walking back to her spot at the table, she literally put like one finger on the head of one of the people sitting in the green chairs...

Instantly, both green chairs fucking explode and both people sitting in them, including Shmarin, fall to the ground.  I've never seen anything like it.  These chairs weren't even touching each other, but within .2 seconds both chairs were a pile of rubble and we had two casualties on the ground. 

When I put some thought into it, I realized that the extra weight of this person's finger on this kids head caused his chair to implode.  As he was falling, I guess he put his hand on Shmarin's chair, and the extra weight then caused her chair to implode.  What an amazing chain of events.  Especially since it happened so fast that it literally looked like one chair was just like, "Hey, I've had a good life, I'm fucking out of here."  And the other one was like, "Well fuck this, I'm not stayin here by myself.  see you on the other side!!!!" And Dead!

Usually, one event like that would be enough for a night but nope, not tonight.  We had to get the cops called on us.  That's right.  A group of 12 people, whose average age was 26 had the cops called on them.  Now for the most part, everyone was calm, being normal, not giving the cop any reason to be suspicious.  Well F that!  So I stepped in.

This is the direct quote I said to the cop for some unknown, inexplicable reason.  "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, I'm not going to storm you or anything, but do you have back up?"   Do you have back up!? What the fuck am I talking about!  Why would I ever ask him that?  And on top of that, why the hell did I use the word storm?  He's not a castle.  I'm an iziot. 

This cop must've been like getting his finger on the trigger, assuming I'm gonna launch myself off the deck and try and take him out somehow.  In my defense, at the time, it seemed like a legit question.  I mean for real, you get called to break up a party and you show up alone.  I was just nervous there was a sniper in the woods or someone coming around the back to sneak attack me and that is a totally legitimate worry so eat it.

Poll #20

Well well well, what do you know?  I start the polls back up again and I realize that I have completely lost touch with my followers.  Yes, I was one of the 6 that voted for walking backwards.  What the frank were you other 17 idiots thinking?  Are you kidding me?  Who wants to wear tight clothes forever?

Several people brought it up to me that they would just lose weight and then it would be ok.  No it would not.  No matter what, you're clothes are always going to be one size too small.  You're socks will be too tight.  You're thongs and boxers will be squeezin your hoohahs and junkanoos.  All of your pants will be tight and short.  You're dress shirts will stop 3 inches before your wrists and if you move your arms to much you'll split them right down the back.  Hats? Fuck that.  You know how much it hurts to wear a hat thats too tight?  Honestly, you'll just look like an emo iziot all day long. 

And then there's me.  I just have to walk backwards.  That's perfect for me.  I love taking pictures and videos and looking at them.  You know why?  Because I love seeing where I came from and where I've been.  What better way to do that than always walk backwards and always be able to see where I have just been.  Sorry, I just blew your philosophical minds.  Eat it.

Bottom Line:  You are all idiots and there other 5 people that voted Walk Backwards are awesome. 

Worst Subletter Ever Update

So yesterday I decided to clean my room.  There was a trash bag sitting in my room behind my door from when I cleaned up my room for it to be subletted. (I don't know why it was still there but it was)  It was just full of papers and notebooks and such so I started filling it up and my room was looking great.  I went to take the bag out and noticed a few more things hiding behind the bag.  I reached down, picked it up, and then noticed it was a used condom.  A USED FUCKING CONDOM. On my floor, used by the dirty hippie piece of shit and her gross hippie piece of shit boyfriend.  I immediately burned my hands offs and bleached the entire town of Amherst.  That girl is the worst!!!!!!!!

Dave Thomas, You're A Jerk

So today I decided to stop in at the local Wendy's.  I hadn't been to this particular Wendy's before, which really doesn't matter because they're pretty much all the same, or so I thought.  I ordered some nuggets (best fast food nuggets hands down) and a JBC (Junior Bacon Cheeseburger). 

I ate a couple nuggets and then grabbed the JBC and, as always, I opened up the burger in order to spread out the bacon to ensure that I get an equal amount of bacon with each bite.  I think you all know what I'm talking about.  Who wants one bite that is overwhelmed by bacon followed up by a bite with absolutely no bacon?  No one, that's who.  To be honest, I'm like this with every sandwich.  I make sure there cheese is evenly distributed or the peanut butter or cream cheese is spread perfectly even.  I've gotten a lot of gruff from people in the past about how I am obsessive about it but they just don't understand.

Anyway! I open up the burger and I was fucking shocked.  I was horrified, disgusted, and enraged.  All of these emotions were storming through my body like those little marbles in Crossfire! I'm sitting there, staring at this thing they call a JBC.  I almost threw up. 

One fucking piece of bacon! One piece! For Fucks Sake! What country am I in! Somalia?! (I no nothing about Somalia at all but it sounded like a place where they would do this)  And it wasn't even a long piece of bacon that I could at least fold over in a way to cover as much surface area as possible.  No.  It was a lonely, pathetic, 2 inch pathetic excuse for a piece of bacon. 

Fuck You Dave.

P.S. I found that picture by searching "Junior Bacon Cheeseburger" on google.  The 8th picture that came up in that search was a topless woman.  What?

I Swear I'm Not Unique

So, I know a lot of you are thinking to yourselves, look at this kid, he must be one of a kind.  Well, I'm not.  Yes, I am strange, and I do a lot of odd things and my sense of humor is a bit out there and I'm a little immature, but even considering all that, I know I'm not alone.  In fact, I got proof of this Friday morning when I woke up to a certain text message.

Now, I could have read this text message without reading the name of the sender, and I would have already known exactly who it was, assuming it wasn't me.  As many of you know, several of my past posts have been about/related to/involving poop/bathroom stalls/bathroom etiquette, like  Elbows Deep in Trouble (best post of all time) , He Killed One Bird with Two Stones, Battle of the Silent Poops, and Snow Poop.  Now, it's probably obvious that the reason I bring these up because the text I got was also related to poop.

I responded to this text with "Probably the best text Ive ever woken up to," and it's true, because I feel like I easily could have, and even may have written this exact message in the past.  So without further ado, here is the text I received on Friday morning at 7:27 AM from my cousin Shmerek.  

"Do you think the poop you see in a port-a-potty are a fair representation of the average guy's poop?  I always see the grossest shits ever in here."  

Immediately, I realize that he is actually texting from the port-a-potty. He continues on:

"I just saw one that had corn in it.  Not little kernels of corn.  I'm talking an entire ear of corn.  It looked like the corn had poop in it rather than the other way around."  

Now I know for the most part, you're all in disagreement with me that this isn't hysterical, but that's because you're a bunch of iziots. I am not an iziot, and neither is Shmerek.  In fact, I am essentially the same exact person as Shmerek.  We were both pitchers in college, we went to Tufts together, we have the same sense of humor, we'd rather play video games that talk to you, we both hate everyone and we both hate wet socks.  Now the reason I bring this up is because within the next five years Shmerek will be a millionaire due to the natural gas company he and his brothers started.  That's good news for me because since we're the same person essentially and he's gonna be a millionaire, it means I will be too.

Bottom Line: Poop is funny and I'm gonna be a millionaire.

Greatest Accomplishment of My Life

Let's be honest, I have done some great things in my life.  I solved a Rubiks Cube in 1 minute and 36 seconds.  I won a National Gold Glove senior year of college.  For God's sake, I started this blog!  But today, I topped all of that.  I can honestly say that I have peaked and unfortunately, everything else is down hill from here.  I took myself to the top of the metaphorical Mount Everest of Life and now it's just a slow, sad descent to the bottom.

I know that without a doubt, what I have accomplished today has never been done by 99.99% of the world population.  That means that I am better than 6.6 Billion people.  Think about that.  There are 6.6 Billion people across the world that can never say, I'm better than Adam, unless they're lying of course.

Just let that sink in.  Every time you meet ten thousand people, odds say that you will only meet one person, if at all, that has matched my accomplishment.  Boom, boom, pow.

So, what I'm really saying is that you should be privileged to know me and to be in the vicinity of my greatness.  For I am the only person that you know that has hit a Hole in One on Golden Tee 2K.

I Need to Learn to Windmill

If there's one thing I learned in the 25 great years I've been on this Earth, it's that people that can do the windmill break dance move are respected.  No. Questions. Asked. 

"Oh hey, you're a murderer and you can do the windmill?  You are a great man."  That was a sample conversation taken from a real life situation that I'm sure has happened thousands of time.  I want to be on the receiving end of that compliment.  I want to learn to windmill.  If you don't believe me, look at the way I am staring so attentively at this kid doing the windmill in front of me.  I swear there could have been a naked playboy model running by me being chased by a dinosaur shooting flames out of his eyes and I wouldn't have looked away.

Honestly, here is the list of the most respected people in our country:

1. People that save kittens
2. People that design new ways to enjoy buffalo chicken
3. People who know how to do the windmill.
4. The Dos Equis Guy

That's it.  I want to be on that list.  But I'm gonna be honest, I'm not the kind of guy that just does something and that's that.  I do something and then I make it better.  I won't just do the windmill cuz wind is for pussies.  I'm gonna do the firemill.

How do you do the firemill, Adam?  Thanks for asking.

Step 1.  Dip shoes in lighter fluid.
Step 2.  Light them on fire.
Step 3.  Do the firemill.
Step 4.  Blow people's fucking minds!

Easy as 1,2,3,4.

See you on the dance floor.

PS Here is the windmill in case you didn't know.

People Are Weird

So today while I was at school I saw two things that were very strange.  They were things that you would think a normal person at a normal university would not do.  Just like common sense things to avoid unless you are trying to announce to the world that you are truly out of touch with reality and have no plans of ever dating a girl.

First, I saw a kid sitting in Isenberg the other day wearing the following outfit.

• Khaki pants
• Brown belt
• Black shoes
• White socks
• Ugly ass short sleeve button down BUTTONED ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.

Are you kidding me?!  How can you go through 19 years of your life and not realize that that sort of attire is so far from socially acceptable its not even fathomable.  For God sake's man, pull yourself together.  You might as well throw on a bow tie and suspenders at this point.  I just can't understand how you don't look around and think to yourself, Hmm, I've never seen any popular or good looking person ever dress like me before.   I should've flicked a boogie at him and taught him a lesson.

Second, I saw a kid riding a bike through campus from inside my class room.  As he prepared to pass a group of students, he did something that absolutely blew my mind.  He didn't yell, "On the left."  Nor did he just swerve onto the grass.  No, no that would be too normal and not embarrassing.  Instead, in order to announce his presence, he rang his bell.  I'm just gonna let that sink in for a moment.

He rang his fucking bell!!!!!!!! What the slip slop is that?!  I didn't realize it was a 7 year old girl stuck in an 18 year olds body.  I'm surprised he didn't have a basket full of daisies and training wheels on that God damn hunk of embarrassing metal.  Now, I don't know exactly where he was headed. But I'm assuming it was one of the following 5 places:

• His girl scouts meeting
• His babysitter's house
• PeeWee Football Cheerleading tryouts
• Ticket box to purchase Miley Cyrus concert tickets
• Anywhere where he could shoot himself.

I was hoping for the last one but I'm pretty sure it was number 3.

Lesson to be learned?  Don't be dumb.

Calm Down TV Show!

As we all know, summer TV shows are usually the worst.  The acting is terrible, the writing is pathetic and the plots are more absurd than the fact that I thought I was actually going to get some work done today.  I think the problem with some of these shows is that they feel like they have to hook you in the first episode or else you'll be lost to the constant summer re-runs of shows you actually like.

There was one show that I watched this summer that took this concept to the next level.  It was a two hour pilot for a show called, "The Bridge."  It is about a particular police precinct that apparently is fucking out of control and here is everything that happened in the show.

Two different policemen committed suicide.
One policeman killed his wife during an argument.
A drug dealer was accidentally killed.
A police officer had to have a leg amputated.
Another police officer was on the verge of suicide.
One cop randomly went from normal cop to union president. (He wasn't even a union representative yet)
Three corrupt cops were discovered and arrested.
This police precinct went on strike.
A woman in her 80s purposely ran over 2 homeless men.

Are you kidding me? Seriously?  I could not believe it.  I literally sat there and on four separate occasions, turned to my dad and said, "Could anything else possibly happen in this episode."  Yes.  Yes it can.

Guitar Hero Orlando Championships

So two weekends ago I was down in Orlando for my cousins wedding.  For the most part, we had the day time to do what ever we wanted so we checked in with the hotel to see what they were putting on for events.  Boom! 2 PM Saturday, Guitar Hero competition.  For anyone who knows me or my cousin Derek, you know we spent a good portion of our time at Tufts playing Guitar Hero and just melting peoples faces with ill shredding.  So naturally, we were in!

So we checked on the location of the event and it says, "Camp Omni."  Omni = the resort we were at. Camp = a sign that we were going to be competing against 10 year olds.  Fuck 'em. They're in for a beating.

We get to camp Omni right around 2 PM and say, we're here for the Guitar Hero, where is it?! They said right this way!  So we walk in and just dominate.  It ended up being me and Derek in the finals and I, unfortunately, got ruined by my cousin, which I whole heartedly expected.  Derek walked out of Camp Omni with the grand prize of a 2 inch rubber fish that squirts water.  That's right bitches! A rubber fish!

Unfortunately, this whole ordeal wasn't nearly as glorious as I have made it seem.  I have, in fact, left out a few details.  Actually, just one detail.  It was only me and Derek in the competition.  That's right... two 25 year olds who spent the night before at a casino for a bachelor party were the only people to show up to a kids guitar hero contest.

I came in last place...

We're Back and We're So Close

Well I'm back.  Back to Amherst.  Back to Blogging.  Back to Life.  Back to Reality.  It's been ten and a half months since I started this blog and recently I've taken some time to myself but you better believe I'm gonna come back strong.  Gonna get some good stories goin this year and I know you're going to read them.  Where you will be reading them from, I'm not sure yet but I know where you've read them from in the past and I'm gonna fill you in on that.

Since I started the blog back on that fateful November 6, 2009 WHAT has been read in 48 states and 60 countries.  Yes that is right, 60 countries! Here's where WHAT has been read.

North America: USA, Canada, Aruba, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Jamaica, Mexico
South America: Brazil, Argentina, Venezuela, Peru 
Europe: UK, Spain, France, Germany, Greece, Switzerland, Denmark, Austria, Poland, Czech Republic, Sweden, Netherlands, Macedonia, Norway, Belgium, Italy, Finland, Croatia, Slovakia, Portugal, Slovenia, Bulgaria, Hungary, Aland Islands, Lithuania, Ireland, Ukraine, Estonia, Luxemberg, Romania
Asia: ARMENIA, Russia, India, Japan, Indonesia, Malaysia, Israel, Singapore, Philipines, Turkey, Kuwait, Taiwan, Qatar, Vietnam, United Arab Emirates,
Africa: Egypt, South Africa, Kenya
Australia: Australia

That's absurd right?  What the hell is going on out in Eastern Europe, they're eating this shit up.

As for the United States, I need Alaska and Montana.  For the love of God can someone just fly to one of these states and look at my blog please?  I've needed these two for like 5 months.  Let's get after it.

So, we know WHAT is a world wide phenomenon and we're gonna keep it going this year.

Finally, for those of you who are new to WHAT, you should become a follower today because it's the nice thing to do and I'll give you a dollar if you do it.  Just click on the button "Follow" to the left and sign in using your google, yahoo, or aim username.  Ok?! OK!  Lata

PS I'll be posting Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for now.

I know, I know

As you may have noticed, I haven't posted every Monday and Friday like I promised the past few weeks.  Well, suck it.  I'm busy.  Gimme another week to get settled into school then I'll get after it ok?  ByE!

Don't Sublet Your Room

So this summer I decided to sublet my room in Amherst since I wouldn't be living there.  I found a real nice girl, and she subletted it from me and it was going great.  Then the class she was taking got canceled and so she had to resublet the room to another person.  She subletted it to some girl that is like studying here or doing something.  This girl sucks.  She is the worst.

I was up at Amherst this past week for an orientation, blah blah blah.  Anyway, we went out to the bars and I came home around 1:30.  Now I am sleeping upstairs on the couch obviously because my room is being subletted. Anyway, around 2:30 am this fucking idiot and some guy she is with barge through the door and go down stairs.  Within 3 seconds, she has her music on at full frankin volume.  It was absurd.  I waited like a half hour to see if this See You Next Tuesday would figure out that she's retarded and maybe turn it down.  She didn't.

I decided to go down stairs and ask her to.  I knocked on the door, and she opens it, "Yes?"  Mind you this is 3 am.  "Um can you turn down the music? Or at least the bass? I can literally feel it upstairs."  "Oh okay."  Problem solved...or so I thought.  She turned it down for literally 8 seconds, then turned it back up to almost the same volume.  Did she just try to trick me?  Like, was she trying to recalibrate my ears into thinking she just turned it down?  Maybe this is just a dream.  It wasn't. 

For the next half hour, I lay on my uncomfortable couch, listening to pounding bass and the subtle moans of this gross 75 lb girl get doinked by her scum bag friend.  Awesome.  Finally, around 3:30, after sexfest has wrapped up, I just started pounding my feet on the floor until she turned the music down.  Yay! I can sleep.

UPDATE:  I decided to venture into my room looking for an iron and this is what she has in her room:

• 3 cacti
• 6 candles
• a huge bong
• 15 sticks of incense 
• 4 plants
• one gigantic dream catcher
• something that looked like a pile of leather scraps
• pictures of her hanging exactly where I had pictures of myself
• one leg from a mannequin

One Leg from A Mannequin?!  Who the fuck is this girl?!  Get the fuck out of my room!!!!

Southie and Jorts

Southie is an interesting place.  It has a nice beach, some nice places to live, and some really "nice" people.  The reason I put nice in quotations is because I didn't actually mean nice.  I meant absurd. 

This morning, I was walking out of my favorite Dunkin Donuts in the world (got my same breakfast for $5.08 today and $5.85 yesterday) and I had to walk past two groups of guys on the way back to my car.  Between the two groups, there were 9 guys, 5 in one and 4 in the other.  Between those 9 guys...there were 5 pairs of jorts!! 3 in one group and 2 in the other!! 5 pairs of jean shorts between 9 guys!!! That's...that's... uhh... 55% of the group! (had trouble finding my calculator. 

That 55% is just staggering.  I mean you've got to assume that only 10% of the world's population even owns jorts so to think that this group is at 5.5 times the world wide percentage is just ridiculous.  Now from a distance, I was very surprised to see such a collection of these fashionable duds, but as I got closer, and was able to hear their conversations, it made more sense to me why they were wearing jorts.


The first group I walked by, 4 guys, 2 jorts, 50% jortification, was honestly dropping N Bombs like it was their jobs.  Now, I'm sure no one was actually paying them for it, but if they were, they'd make a good living.  I mean, I could hear their conversation for about 9 seconds and I'm pretty sure I heard 4 Ns.  Keep in mind, this is just outside of DD's on a busy street where I saw a couple of black guys just a few minutes earlier.  Hmm..

The second group I walked by, 5 guys, 3 jorts, 60% jortification, wa on a different topic but equally as unsurprising.  Parole.  "This fucking bitch kept me from getting paroled for 6 months" was the exact line I walked by and heard.  What a bitch.  You mean to tell me, some piece of shit kept you in the clink where you were unable to show off your jorts!  I hope he shanked her with a shiv when he got out.  Or do you shiv someone with a shank?  I dunno. 

All I know is that Jorts + Parole + N Bombs = Southie.  Thank god today is my last day at my internship.

NBC- I Hate You

So, as you all know, I've been working at my unpaid internship for the past few months.  These guys here are awesome, really laid back, and all that stuff so while I'm doing my work I'll have an episode of House or Law and Order on in the background and they won't give a who.  Now of course, I would never pay for any of these episodes myself so I download them illegally like any normal guy.  I use bittorrent which is a great program.  Last Thursday night I decided to download season 1 of Modern Family (amazing show by the way) and I forgot to close the program.

Anyway, I bring my computer to work Friday, as I do everyday, go online, do my work and all that ish.  I leave work on Friday and head to the airport to go to Pittsburgh for the weekend.  On my way to the airport I get an email that my boss forwarded to me from our internet provider stating that their were notifications of copyright infringement on our IP address because someone was sharing files illegally.  The files were House Season 6 and Law and Order SVU Season 11.  SHIT.

The email just says, delete the files, don't do it again, blah blah blah.  Then I get a call from my boss and he sounds not happy.  He tells me that NBC just called him and they need a call back by 5 PM Monday to find out why our organization is sharing their files and if they don't hear from us they will take the proper actions, AKA, a lawsuit or criminal charges.  FUCK.

So I spend half of my day Friday researching online how often NBC sues for copyright infringement.  I only saw three stories so that wasn't too bad.  I spent the other half trying to figure out how I'm going to pay off $100,000 in fines/lawsuits with my $300 bank account.  That one I never came up with an answer for. 

Anyway, I come to work today and go over to my boss and he says, I don't really want to look at you right now, just go sit down, I need to call NBC. OMG.  So he calls NBC, asks for Mark Simmons, and I hear him saying things like, "It was only two files.  You can't even prove who it was.  How am I going to come up with that kind of money?"  He hangs up and comes over to me and says, "Well, we need $20,000 by Friday or they're going to take criminal actions."  He proceeded to follow this statement up with, "Punked!"  FUCK ME.

Awesome, I just spent this weekend on vacation, freaking out because I thought I just ruined this company and my career.  Not only that, how the fuck was I going to write a 20 page paper about an internship that ended with the company being owned by NBC.   AH!

UPDATE: The email from the ISP was real, they really got notifications of copyright infringement.  Everything else was fake.  This is for clarification.  

Attack of the Killer Caterpillar!

Ok, so I'm driving home from my internship the other day.  I'm on the highway moving slowly along in traffic wearin some killer shades.  Out of the corner of my eye I see something crawling across my sunglasses.  I freak out and slap my self in the face.  Turns out, I'm just an idiot.

This killer, poisonous beast which I assume is a caterpillar turns out to just be a bus passing me in the HOV lane.  What the fuck is wrong with me?

Three Things

So this past weekend was interesting to say the least.  It was chuck full of things I never thought would ever happen but there were three things that really stuck out in my mind.

1)  I have a friend that works for Puma and so he get's some free stuff here and there and he hooked me up with a ridiculous pair of sneakers.  So first thing that I thought would never happen: Me wearing gold sneaker, yet I did it and here they are. Nice.
 

2) I was driving down the highway and pulled up next to a guy my age, maybe a little older, driving a Porsche in the slow lane goin about 55 MPH.  And what do I see on his hands? Driving gloves.  Yes, I said it, driving gloves.  Are you flopping kidding me with that sheesh?  I thought that was the kind of thing that only happened in movies, like pajama party pillow fights, winning shopping sprees at Toys R Us, or finding a thumbtack in your cereal (oh wait, that happened).  But I guess I was wrong.  I actually saw the arrogant, peepee touching, d-bag that would wear driving gloves in his Porsche.  To be honest, it was a life changing event.



3)  Last but not least, this was also a great weekend for my summer baseball team.  The Braintree White Sox, with the help of Hall of Fame Follower, PJ Thompson, also the team's GM, won the Amateur Baseball North Atlantic Regional Tournament and are now headed to the Amateur Baseball World Series in Houston, TX.  Fuckin nutsos.  The White Sox, now 35-5 on the season, just did straight up poopoos on the Worcester Blue Sox in the championship game, beating them 14-0.  This came just shortly after a game against the Foxboro Frankfurters in which stud pitcher Adam T (me) went a whole 3 innings before pooping his pants and letting them back in the game.  My b.  Thankfully, Shtom Shmuddleston, who you might remember from, Gross Hair Gets The Girl,  made one of the best plays I have ever seen, throwing a runner out at home in the bottom of the 7th to save the game. 

All in all, this was a great weekend.  Gold Shoes, Driving Gloves, World Series.  Boomhouser.

Sorry, That's Just Not Me.

So I'm walking down the street the other day to get lunch and this girl turns a corner and starts walking in front of me.  She was pretty cute and all that but then something caught my attention.  She had the price tag on her shirt still on and in plain sight.  Now this, of course, amused me because I'm a jerk and I love when people look like idiots.  I'm sure most of you would have been like, excuse me but you have a tag on your shirt.  But to be honest, I'm just not that type of person.

If you have a tag on your shirt, something in your teeth, or bad breath, trust me I'm not going to tell you.  I don't know why, but that's just not me.  I'd rather you suffer the embarrassment of walking around looking like an idiot than me feel just that tiny bit of awkwardness when I tell you.  Especially when it comes to bad breath.  I'd rather just stop talking to you then tell you.

When it came to the tag tho, I was also being kind to everyone else she might encounter that day.  Because if I enjoyed seeing her like that then I'm sure other people would too, and who am I to steal the joy out of their day.  That's just not who I am.  I'm a joy giver, not a joy taker awayer.  (what?)   Anyway, bottom line is, if you look like/smell like an idiot when you encounter me, good chance you'll look/smell like an idiot afterwards.

Zee end.

Spelling- My Friends Can't Do It.

Well, as you may recall from two of my earlier posts, Worst Speller Ever One and Two, I have a friend that just cannot spell for the life of her.  Today, I realized, I have another friend who is equally as bad a speller.  Honestly, like not even close.  This was just a quick convo I had today on Gchat.  And the word is exaggerating.
__________________________________________________________

Shmelanie: i am over assturating, i am sure

me: assturating?

Shmelanie: excahturating

me: nope, keep trying. dont cheat!

Shmelanie: exsaturated, exasturaited. i am retard

me: exaggerating

Shmelanie: thanks i tried so hard

me: thats going on the blog

__________________________________________________________

Ok seriously? Assturating?  That has to be the worst first attempt at spelling a word ever in the history of everness right? I dunno what to say about this.  It's just mind boggling.  

Dunkin Donuts: Stop Hiring R-Tards

So a few weeks ago I wrote a Post about an encounter at Dunkin Donuts where the person I was dealing with was an absolute poopsicle.  Well since then I have been back to that DD's about 5 times and every time it has gone absolutely swimmingly.  Until today.

I walked in and again ordered the usual, #4 on a plain bagel. Now mind you, the girl taking my order this time, has actually taken my order (the same order) the last two times I've been in with no problem at all.  So she rings it in and says, so how would you like your medium coffee.  I said "actually, i'll have a large french vaneezy ice regular."  And of course, she said, "Oh I'm sorry, the combo only comes with a medium and I already rang it in."  What the fuck is wrong with this Dunkin Donuts.  Do they just take random people off the street and say, "Hey! Here's a cash register, don't every study the menu and make sure you ring in everything before you understand it completely!"  If so, that is just a terrible training process and should seriously be rethought.

So again, just like last time, I point out to them that on the menu it says you can make it a large for $0.30.  For some inexplicable reason, this upset 2 other employees.  All at once they started replying with, that's only for hot, or no ice, or its too late.  I just can't figure it out.

I realized it was too late to win this argument with these idiots because she already started to ring up the items separately.  I decided, then, that I should just make this girl look like an idiot instead.  I told her, loud enough for everyone to hear, "I've ordered this about 5 times here, including two times just from you, I don't know why it's any different now.  You rang this up for me last week."  She was like...Oh really?  Yes really you forking spoon! Jesus.  I don't know what it is about this Dunkin Donuts but it is seriously the only one that can handle my mad ordering skillz.