I Hate Fake Teeth!

A Basketball Court
A Piece of String
An Ear of Corn
A Spatula

What do all of these things have in common?  Yup, you guessed it, they have all been responsible for me chipping my teeth.  Although it is quite an eclectic group, these things haunt me day in and day out and they are keeping me from living life to the fullest.

Every time I step onto a basketball court, I ask myself, "Is today the day that the floor punches me in the mouth again?"  Up to this point, it hasn't been, but still...ya know?  I used to be the sickest three point shooter ever.  I'd walk onto that court, no fears in my mind, other than the fear of losing all of my friends for embarrassing them on the court.  Now when I walk onto the court, I have two fears!  Still the same fear of losing my friends, cuz let's be honest, I still sick wit it from behind the arc.  But now, I'm also afraid of the floor trying to steal my two favorite teeth again.

I can't even eat corn like a big boy anymore.  I need to cut it off with a knife and eat it with a fork. A FORK!!!  That's not how corn was made to be eaten.  It's embarrassing.  I've stopped eating corn in public.  I won't even do it in front of my parents.  I don't want them to be ashamed of their little baby 25 year old forkin corn eater.  (forkin kinda sounded like fuckin right there).

And now spatulas?! Are you kidding me?! I can't even get into a spatula fight with my good friend Shmean Shmiminick without losing part of my face?!  What kind of world is this where spatulas are my number 3 worst enemy?  A terrible world, that's what!  Last week, I had a nightmare where a giant spatula was chasing me down the street and it kept slapping me on the butt.  I woke up just as I realized he had chipped my butt.  It was horrible.  I was so nervous all day that I stole a tray from the Newman Cafe and kept it in my pants so my butt wouldn't chip.

So all in all, thanks fake teeth, for being the worst thing in my life, except for wet socks and people who use the cross walk button.