Friend Level 1 vs Friend Level 2

I realized a while back that there are two kinds of friends.  Actually, there are three kind of friends.  I knew of two before last night, but I learned about new one and probably the most important one.

Friend Level #1:
These are your best friends. They are fucking awesome.  Nothing can come between you guys.  You pee/poop/shower together and its awesome.

Friend Level #3:
You're friends but none of you really loves the other one.  It's more of a social nicety.  You like each other, but you're not best friends.  You all know it and there's no lost love because of it.

Here comes the tricky one.  The one that causes all the problems.

Friend Level #2:
These are the friends that, for a moment, replace Friend #1.  When Friend #1 is at a different bar, is out of town, or is just being a douche, Friend #2 is the shit! They're awesome.  They're jokes are hilarious!  Their beards are immaculate!  Their pizzas have the perfect amount of cheese and sauce.  Their style is impeccable.  BUT!!!!!  When Friend #1 is back in town, Friend #2 gets a swift kick in the junk and a reminder of his/her place.   Friend #2 gets sent away like he's Buddy the Elf being sent away by James Caan down to the mail room.  It's like if you're Friend #2, no one even wants to answer your phone calls. "Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?"

That Was Rough

So last weekend, me and my friends went down to Providence to celebrate our friend Pat finishing grad school.  We got a hotel room down there and headed over to Dave and Busters for the Arcade Olympics! (which I won of course)  Anyway, while we were there, we were looking to say hi to some girls.  Well, there just happen to be a group of 5 girls our age there.  What a perfect match, they have 5 girls.  We have 5 guys.  It's a more perfect combination than a day off from school and an Ugly Betty marathon.

So me and two of my friends stroll over to these girls.  They had just sat down at a table and there were a couple extra chairs around it.  We grabbed the extra chairs and sat down at the table with them.  I'm thinking to myself, "Alright Adam, time to turn it on.  Let's see what you got."  They make the first move and say, "Um, do we know you?"  Oh, well not the warmest welcome but we can get through it.  We say no but we just wanted to introduce ourselves.  They said, "No thanks," and then the five of them got up and walked away.  I've gotta admit, that was pretty demoralizing.  Jerks.

They Don't Get It

I'm not sure if it's just my family or if it's everyone but for some reason neither my mom nor any of her sisters can truly grasp the concept of youtube.  It's like they know it exists, and they know what it's for, but as far as how it works or why videos get popular, no idea.  Let me give you two examples.

1. So I've been doing my best to keep my mom off of my blog because I know if she read it, I'd never hear the end of it. "Adam! She's going to read that!" "OMG Adam! Can you say that on the internet?" And so on and so forth.  Anyway, I had the blog for about 3 weeks before she found out.  WHen she did find out, and my cousins were telling her that they thought it was funny, she dropped this one on me.  "Adam, you should youtube your blog."  Oh. Um. I don't really know what that would consist of.  I asked her, "Should I just put the text into a video? Should I just take a picture of my blog and put it up?  Or should I read the stories on camera?"  She replied" Whatever, just youtube it."  Ok!

2.  My grandmother had everyone over for Thanksgiving this year which included almost all of the cousins and 9 aunts and uncles.  Of course there was plenty of picture taking going on, especially amongst the cousins.  So all of the cousins got together and one of my aunts took the picture. One of my other aunts looked at the picture and said" Aw, you should youtube this."  I can't imagine how many hits I would get if I put up a single picture of me and my cousins on youtube.  Actually, I guess we can find out.  Here's a video of that picture

This Is Embarrassing

So the other night, after a concert that I went to with my family, we were driving home in my dad's station wagon.  Unfortunately, there were 6 people in the car and so instead of smushing into the back seat, we decided to use that stupid seat in the trunk that faces the wrong direction.  Awesome.  Last week I feel like a 4 year old when I found out I was teething. This week I feel like a 10 year old, facing the wrong way in the back of my dad's car.  Let me tell you, it sucks back there. 

First of all, I dunno if you've actually seen that seat back there, but it's literally about 2 inches thick.  So after about 5 minute, your ass is absolutely killing you.  Second, theres no leg room what so ever.  My knees were like up against the back window.  Unfortunately, they weren't high enough to keep my face protected from the people driving behind us.  For some reason, every person driving behind us that night was between 18-30 years old so they were all flashing their high beams, waving and laughing.  My cousin was pretty brave, she was waving back and practically having conversations with them.  I refused to even look up.  No way I'm making eye contact with anyone while I face backwards in a station wagon.  Then to top it all off, by the time I got home, I was so car sick I could barely stand up. One of the worst 20 minute rides of my life.

Worst Speller Ever

So I have a friend that just cannot spell for the life of her.  It really is absurd.  This conversation took place about 8 months ago but it was so ridiculous that I had to save it and good thing I did because now all of you get to enjoy it.
(Anything in red font was added just now as my own little commentary)

Girl: my dad just broght me dinner im so excited
T D0gg33: watd u get
Girl: lasagia  (and it begins)
Girl: or how ever you spell it
T D0gg33: omg
T D0gg33: try again
Girl: lesangia
T D0gg33: no
T D0gg33: again
Girl: legsania   (this one really caught me off guard, leg? really?!)
T D0gg33: omg ur getting worse
T D0gg33: again
Girl: i cant spell i cant help it
Girl: lisangia   (at least the g is back towards the end)
T D0gg33: nope
T D0gg33: 1 more guess
T D0gg33: then i fucking kill you   (total serious about that)
Girl: hol don
T D0gg33: no cheating
Girl: lesagna
Girl: lesanga
T D0gg33: no and no
Girl: i dont even know how to cheat cuz spell check doesnt know what im tying to spell
T D0gg33: this makes me sad
Girl: im sorry i disapointed you
T D0gg33: im not disappointed, i totally expected it
Girl: lesgania
T D0gg33: like
Girl: im still trying to sound it out
T D0gg33: wat?
Girl: lesanya thats how it sounds
T D0gg33: ive never experienced anything like this
Girl: is that a bad thing   (not a good question)
T D0gg33: i mean
T D0gg33: its not a good thing
T D0gg33: and its even worse that you cant figure out a way to find the spelling
Girl: i cant do it. computer hates me for my spelling
T D0gg33: try google
T D0gg33: wow even google cant figure out wat you want to say
T D0gg33: it makes my heart sad
Girl: lasagna
T D0gg33: WOOOO!!!!!!

This is one of several of these types of conversations.  I'll definitely be putting up another one soon.

Where My Readers At

Just so you guys know, while I'm on winter break and are most of my reades, I'm gonna slow my roll a bit.  I will post to the blog 3 times a week, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  Hope you guys are enjoying it, I've got some good ones on the way. 

Asian Pants

So tonight I was at a concert with my family when I saw a walking mystery. I still am scratching my head trying to figure it out. I saw an asian man who looked like he weighed maybe 220 pounds that was wearing the pants of a man that was about 420 pounds. But his pants weren't filled out. It seemed more like his shirt was 40 feet too long and he needed the big pants to tuck in all of the extra fabric. It was seriously so confusing. Picture a pillow case filled with a bunch t shirts. That's wat the front of his pants looked like. I was tempted to just pull his pants off to see exactly what he was hiding down there. For all I know he had a huge stash of cotton candy down there and he was hiding it from me cuz he knew I'd want some. This mystery will be one I carry with me forever.

I Don't Like You're Music

I'm 24 years old and I like music that 24 year olds like. I don't care about how much ur band has been struggling. I don't care that ur band has been indy since the mid 90s. I don't care that u don't like mainstream music. I don't care that "the music" is more important than the music, no one cares but u. I don't care that ur cool with the nobodies. Nobodies make nobody popular so shut it. If u like/ make popular music I'll like u. If u don't I won't like u and no matter what you do it won't change it. Go to bed and be u.

Morning Update: I just woke up and read this post. Apparently I was mad at music last night. I dunno why but I'm sure whatever it was that music did, it deserved this.

You're A Jerk

So I was talking to my friend, Julia, on facebook chat tonight.  At the same time, I was talking to my friend Bryan on Gchat.  Bryan was talking about going out to a bar sometime soon since he just got back from Australia.  Julia was talking about how some girl only liked me cuz she's a tool and she thought tools are attracted to each other.  I know, hurtful right?  Anyway, I decided to switch over to Gchat and call Julia a jerk.  So I typed, 'ur a jerk!"  Then I went back to check on my fantasy football.  I looked back a minute later and Bryan responded with this, "i just want to party with u if that makes me a jerk then so be it."  So I explained to him that that was intended for someone else.  Now I really wanted to call Julia a jerk because she just caused my friend Bryan so much distress! So I clicked on her name extra hard and wrote, "You're a jerk!!"  I went back to my fantasy football ( to see Reggie Wayne score a 65 yard TD, FUCK!)  I went back to Gchat to see this response, "Why because I stopped following your blog?"  This, unfortunately, was no from Julia.  In fact, this was from the second wrong person I sent my, "you're a jerk" message to.  But bullshit! I informed her that the original "You're a jerk" wasn't intended for her but that, in fact, she really was a jerk for unfollowing my blog!  So throughout this whole thing, I called my friend Bryan a jerk who didn't deserve it.  I called Ariel a jerk who, at first didn't deserve it but as it turned out deserved like 5 "you're a jerks."  And I never actually called Julia a jerk.  Total failure on my part.  (I know most of you idiots would have just said, "FAIL" at the end of this post, but I'm not a tool so I didnt.  I will, though, make that the subject of a future post.)

Story Time: Most Embarrassing Moment

So, I was watching a tv show today where people talked about their most embarrassing moments and it got me thinking.  I decided to write a post about my Ultimate Christmas Wish List.  But I'm going to save that for later.  For now, I'll just tell you all about my most embarrassing moment.

It was a warm July afternoon back in 2003 and I was playing for the struggling Hanover Indians.  The coach's name was Ken Tocci, who also happened to be my JV coach a couple years back.  He loved me and let me do whatever I want, so even though I'm a pitcher, when I asked him if I could play the outfield, he of course said, "Why sure you can! By the way, you have stunning features and impeccable style."  I was a bit surprised by the spontaneous compliment but who am I to argue with him.  So I ran out to the outfield and took my position.  I make it until the 3rd inning without a ball getting hit to me and then it happened.

The opposing first baseman takes a swing and smokes a line drive my way.  I start running back and to my left, then I realize the ball is now going to my right.  Now since I took gymnastics for 2 years when I was 3 and a hip hop dance class when I was 12, I figured I could make this simple spin to my right look graceful.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  In fact, I made it look the complete opposite of graceful, which according to Microsoft Word is clumsy.  Ya, I guess that's pretty accurate.  So I spin to my left, and as I do, my giant size 13 feet decide to get into a slapping fest and I tumble face first to the ground.  It didn't end up being too bad though because the ball bounced under the fence so he only got a double.  This is where it took a turn for the worst.

The ball had rolled under the fence and it as just a few inches behind it.  Now as far as the fence is concerned, its one of those plastic portable fences with a bunch of different sections connected to one another.  So since the ball was so close to the fence, I decided to just reach over and grab it instead of climbing the fence.  I bend over the fence and reach and reach and reach and I'm about 2 inches away.  I decided to lean on the fence a little more to get within reach.  Just as I get my hand on the ball, two sections of the fence give way.  It was like it slow motion, I'm thinking "Oh come one! How did I not see this coming!" So I hit the ground and I try to get up immediately.  That didn't happen.  Apparently when the fence landed on the ground, the top part was about 6 inches off the ground.  So every time I tried to push up on the fence to stand up, I would just push it back to the ground and I wouldn't go anywhere.  After about 20 seconds of struggling to stand up, I swallow my pride and roll off of the fence on to solid ground where I can finally stand up.  I pick up the ball and throw it in but no one really moved.  I felt like I was Smalls in the Sandlot after running the ball into the pitcher because everyone was just standing around jaws wide open, confused and horrified with what just happened.

Yellow Champion!

So the other night at some bar I saw a guy wearing a bright yellow crew neck Champion sweatshirt. He was trying to look extra cool because he had a flat brim hat on pulled over his ears.  There was no one near him and he never spoke to a single girl.  He left early.

Triangle Head Tries On Hats

Here's your fix of Triangle Head

Why Are So Many of My Stories About Poop?

So I got home last night for winter break and I thought to myself, it would be absolutely wonderful if I could just sleep in and relax knowing I've got nothing to do all day.  So I set my alarm for 10:30 and traveled off to Sleepville, where I ran through fields of daisies and listened to some wonderful John Groban songs.  But did I get to sleep in today? Did I get to enjoy my time with Josh's music in Sleepville? No, no I did not! Because I was awoken at 9:30 by an email from my cousin.  He got mad when I used his name so I decided to leave it out. Anyway my cousin decided to send me a picture of his strange, out of this world poop this morning with the following caption:


"It was liquid poo but whole. Looked like egg foo yung."


Now I know must of you are thinking, "That's gross, I'm so glad I never had to see that,"  But there are some of you that are thinking, "That's gross, but I'm oddly curious as to what this horrible beast looks like."  For those of you who are in that latter group, I offer you a challenge.  If I have 63 followers by the end of the day, I will post that picture just for you.

Snow Poop

So I'm taking care of some business in the bathroom yesterday, in the handicap stall of course. I like to have a lot of room to work. Anyway, I notice there is a window in there and I thought to myself, well this is great!

How awesome would it be if I unlocked that window then went outside and waited for someone to use that stall. Then right when he's mid dookie, open it up and just start drilling him with snowballs! Awesome!  I mean, its perfect. What's he gonna do? Run out of the bathroom and through the building to try and find me? Doubtful unless he's the fastest runner AND more importantly the fastest wiper in the world.

It's an Airplane!

I made this! Jealous? Too bad.

Gross Hair Gets The Girl

So, ever since 6th grade when I got rid of the bowl cut and went to the fade, I've believed to my core that I need to make my hair look great if a girl is going to like me.  I've used hair spray, gel, moose and now I'm on to wax.  It's awesome because it looks like your hair is hard and spiky but it's actually soft and pliable.  Try it out.  Ok, moving on.  Recently, I've seen a few guys with gross hair, getting some pretty cute girls.  One of them, is a good friend of mine on my summer baseball team.  I don't want to call him out, so I'm going to change his name.  Let's call him Shtom Shmuddleston.  Anyway, it's been about four months since I've seen him.  Well apparently since then, he's started taking the anabolic steroid version of Rogaine because the mop on top of his head is like never before.  It's amazing and horrifying.  It makes me smile and vomit at the same time.  Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because apparently this hair has helped him land a new girlfriend and so now I'm trying to figure out if I have been going about it all wrong.  Should I have been growing my hair out this whole time? Granted, when I grow my hair, it doesn't flow down and look cool.  Oh no, quite the contrary.  In fact, it just grows up and up and up and puffs out like Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. It gets so puffy that instead of wearing a hat, I just place it on top of my head and hope it doesn't fall off.  I'm gonna put some more thought into this.  Here's a picture of my friends hair so you know what sparked this.

No More Free Rides!

I'm done carrying you free loading sons of bitches! I'm switching the reading privacy from "Anyone" to "Only Followers."  Now what?I How are you gonna get through your day without this gold mine of literary genius?  Exactly, slide that mouse over to follow and be a good little reader.

(***It's not actually possible to change to that privacy, so this is an obviously empty threat, but come on! My sister's blog is catching up to me and I can't let that happen***)

I'm Smarter than 10 Year Old Me

So the other day, we were having a review for finance and half way through one of our classmates, Shkimmie (name changed for privacy issues), walked in.  She was wearing a with a big brim and a bright yellow jacket.  Immediately, the whole class thought of Carmen Sandiego. (I realized her jacket was actually red, but whatever.)  We made fun of her for the next 15 minutes or so and then I decided to go retro and download the classic computer game, Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego.  Probably one of the best computer games ever.  It ranks up there with Oregon Trail and The Secret Island of Dr. Quandry.  Anyway, I started playing it and realized I know nothing about geography, foreign currencies, or natioanl flags.  I took on about 7 cases and wasn't even close to catching anyone.  I never saw any V.I.L.E. henchmen and kept missing the 5 PM Sunday deadline.  I couldn't even get a warrant for anyone.  Finally, I started figuring it out.  I learned a little bit about San Marino, drachmas, and where they speak Portuguese.  I ended up catching such villains as Merey LaRoc, Dazzle Annie and Len Bulk.  I've moved up from Rookie to Sleuth and I'm one case away from a promotion to Gumshoe.  So now that I'm getting it together Carmen Sandiego style, I've decided that I'm now as smart as I as in 4th grade.

Poll #5

Well, it's official.  More of you would rather punch yourself in the face every day than punch your mom in the face once.  BULLSHIT! No one wants to get punched in the face, especially not everyday.  If you're 24 and you live to be 84, that means you're going to punch yourself in the face 21,900 times.  Are you guys idiots? Do you know how messed up your face will be?  You'll like like Sloth from The Goonies, after fighting Rocky Balboa, directly after James Vanderbeek throw a football in your eye like in Varsity Blues.  Not only that but you'll probably break your hand a thousand times.  You guys really didn't think this one out.  How come no one ever agrees with me? 5 polls so far and I've never been part of the majority.  I'm unique mother flipper.

Post 3 AM

So, as I mentioned in the last post, we had a party last night and everything as going swimmingly.  It was really fun, we had a lotta people, we had alcoholic pudding, we had Miley Cyrus, pretty much everything you need for a good party.  But nothing worth blogging about happened.  That was until about 3 AM.  When the party took a ridiculous turn.  We were all hanging out, dancing, doing whatever and then I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred came on.  It was on.  Our hall become a runway.  Ryan, the birthday boy, was in his room while this was going on.  In case you didnt know it, Ryan is known through the Umass Campus for his dancing abilities.  So people start yelling for Ryan to strut his stuff.  I'm not sure how or why but I convinced him to get naked and dance down the hall just holding a pillow in front of Baby Ryan.  (I'm not sure he'd appreciate that nick name but he doesn't read this blog anyway.)  Now what I expected was for him to dance down the hall dancing and walk back.  What we got was a 4 minute solo of Ryan dancing around with a pillow on his jumbalees. Now, it wasn't just like him dancing around the living room jokingly.  This was a full on, out of control, disgusting, hardcore dance.  There was a stretch of about 30 seconds when he went from down on his knees humping his pillow, to sitting on our friend, Shmevan's (fake name for privacy issues), lap with his bare ass.  So after watching Ryan's showoff his amazingly pale ass for what felt like an hour, he got dressed.  I'm not really sure what happened next so numbers 1-3 are in no particular chronological order.

1. We tried to learn how to do Indian dancing from one of our friends (failed miserably)
2. We played every boy band song on Youtube and proceeded to serenade the girls that survived Ryan's dancing sexual molestation.  This included, Back Here, It Happens Everytime, Bye Bye Bye, Tearing up My Heart, Larger Than Life, I Know My Calculus, I Want It That Way and Dirty Pop.
3. We played every dance song I could find on Youtube and danced around.  Songs included: Cotton Eye Joe, Electric Slide, Cupid Shuffle, Casper Slide (part 2 obviously),
4. I ate half of a burrito
5. We watched our 4th roommate stroll into the kitchen for a glass of water.  (This happened at about 4:15AM.  He went to bed at 12:30 next to the room where the music was on at full blast. Whoops.)

Well, I've tried like 5 times to wrap this up and nothing I can think of to write is funny, so I'll just tell you a fact instead. I just noticed one of my pillows smell really bad.  Wat the fuck.

Prior to 3 AM

I wrote this post at about 12 AM last night.  It was accurate at that point in the night.  

We had a party last night and it was awesome but literally, there was nothing that happened that was worth blogging about. This is going to be the most boring blog ever. I can't believe ur still reading. Stop. Seriously. There's no point on continuing. I know ur thinking to yourself,  "Well there's so much text after this, he must eventually make a point." Well ur wrong. Its not gonna happen.  I'm going to keep typing and talking about how nothing is going to happen in this post until you stop reading.  I wonder if you're still reading.  I bet you are, aren't you.  Isn't it so funny, I'm telling you not to read this because its so boring but you refuse to listen.  It's like an addiction, you have to finish reading this post or else you'll spend the rest of your life wondering what I said.  Well, now you know.  I said nothing.

Let's Get Drunk...or Whatever You Call It

So, finals end today, we're throwing a party tonight for my roommates birthday and I'm going to get absolutely hammered.  This brings me to the point of this post.  Isn't it amazing how many words we have to describe getting drunk?  In case you were unaware, here is a short list of some of them: drunk, hammered, shitfaced, waffled, intoxicated, inebriated, toasted, blasted, bombed, wrecked, shithoused, shmammered,  wasted, plastered, crunk, smashed, and trashed.

But honestly, the best thing about being drunk, having been drunk, or planning on getting drunk, is making up words to describe just how drunk you are, were, or are going to be.  For example, earlier today I told someone I was going to get Jimmyjammered.  The funny thing is that although its never been used in that context, and it doesn't make any sense, that person still knew what you meant.  Same goes for getting: franked, corn-housed, habberdashered, flippyflopped, swashbuckled, bone sauced, splashy, squiffy, swizzled, riffraffed, bongoed, rubiks cubed, hamburglared, flapjacked, pan-seared, snizzled, bizzled, skizzled, buttered, tromboned, squirrely, shrekked, how-do-ya-dooed, scooter-stored, frankenhosed, and shwimshwammed.

Have a good weekend everyone, make sure you get nice and Jersey shored.  

Girls and Video Games

So, just a little background before i get into my story.  Historically, girls are not very good at video games.  Now, every now and then, a girl will be good at one game but it's very rare that they are good at several different games.  Now this isn't too say that all girls are bad at video games, because they aren't.  But the ones that are good at video games usually trade other things for those skills.  Some of these things that they may give up are:
1. Friends
2. Good hair
3. Personal Hygiene
4. Popularity

Anyway, this whole thing came to mind today because I saw a girl who proved everything I just said 100% right.  I was at Newman today getting lunch when I saw her.  Sitting by herself at a small table.  Playing a video game with a controller plugged into her computer.  Bouncing back and forth in her chair, avoiding the bullets from her virtual enemies.  Now I only saw her for a few seconds so I don't really know if she's any good or not, but I would assume that if you're willing to play video games on your computer, with a controller, by yourself, in a public place, you're probably pretty good at the game as it is the only thing in your life.

Finance Midterm

So I've got my finance final coming up, and to prepare I decided to go over my midterm as it is a cumulative test.  I'm going over one of the problems, for which I received half credit, 5 out of 10.  As I'm going over the answers she gave us, I'm thinking well, I must have been pretty close since I got half credit.  Also, she told us she would give us a few points as long as we draw the correct time line.  I decided to look at my midterm answer to see exactly what I did wrong.   I was not even close. Here you go:

11.
Part A.  Correct Answer = $11,700.
                     My answer= $92,450
               A difference of = $80,750

Part B.  Correct Answer= $142,000
                   My Answer= $8,467,000
              A difference of= $8,352,000

Oh and I had no time lines anywhere.  How the shit did I get half credit?

Invisible Study Buddy

I'm pulling out a classic!  Back when I was at Tufts, there were these study rooms that were reserved for groups, and people would get pissed if someone was in there by themselves.  Well, me being me, I need to have constant distractions while I'm doing work, so I liked to watch TV, listen to music, light off fire crackers, wrestle and do magic tricks, and what better place to do those than in a study room.  So I had to figure out how to keep people from getting mad at me.  Boom! Just make someone up.  So whenever I went to the library, I made sure to have at least 2 or 3 of everything.  I would sit down and set myself up.  Then I would pull out all my doubles and set up a second work space for "my friend who is just trying to find a book."  Apparently "my friend" has no idea how to use the Dewey Decimal system because he spent all his time in the library looking for books.

Well I've started doing that again.  At the Isenberg School of Management, we have rooms called break out rooms, where we can break out of class and go into these rooms and study.  For some reason, every time I think of the break out rooms, I picture our class room doors opening and entire class rushes out dancing in kind of a Jets v. Sharks, West Side Story motif.  (if you need to know what I'm talking about, go to 1:50 in this video clip.)  Anyway! People are always coming around trying to kick people out, saying we need this for a group study project.  F that! I need this room so I can watch Monk as I write my paper.  So to my left, I have set up the following work station for "my friend."

1. Open text book with a pen saving a spot on a different page
2. Notebook open to a page already written on
3. Half empty bottle of water
4. My jacket over the back of the seat
5. Chair pushed out as if someone had been sitting there and got up
6. Keys
7. Chapstick

They don't have a chance.  "Are you gonna be in here long?" "Ya, me and my friend are writing a 4,000 page research paper, I have no clue where we went, but we'll be here all night.  Bite my bird."  Then they leave, badda bing badda boom.

Don't be Afraid to Vote

Listen, some of you have voted, and some of you haven't.  I've realized that there are three type of people out there as far as voting is concerned.

1. Vote for A: People that hate getting punched and have the balls to say they'd punch their mom.
2. Vote for B: People that love their mom and are willing to take the punishment.
3. Didn't Vote: People who haven't voted because they can't bring themselves to say they'd punch their mom even though they know deep down that that's how they feel.

For the people who fit into #3.  First of all, I'm 92% sure you'll never actually be put in that situation. Second, I doubt your mom goes on this blog, and even if she didnt, she wouldn't know how you voted. It's 8-12 punch yourself right now and i know there are more than 20 people that read this blog.  3 Days left to vote.  Get busy. Start punching.

Update: Who just changed their vote?!

I'm A Little Baby

So for the past couple days I've had this pain in the back of my mouth. It hurts when I chew, open my mouth, or swallow. I went to health services to see what was wrong. Well apparently I'm a 2 year old. Not literally. But I literally am teething. My wisdom teeth decided to say wattup to the rest of my mouth so they're just ripping their way to the top. Fuckin rude if you ask me. At least, send me an email or something if you're gonna tear my mouth apart. Its the least you could do.

This is How A Blog Spreads

This is just awesome.

If you're confused, you should make sure you read this post

Sitting in Class

I'm sitting in Finance class right now.  We have our final on Friday.  We have this class and our review before the test and that's it and yet I still can't pay attention to her, no matter what!  She's been teaching for about an hour an 15 minutes so far.  Here's what I have done in class up til now:

1. Showed up late
2. Realized my favorite seat was stolen.
3. Swore at that seat stealing son of a bitch in my head
4. Took out my computer and visited the following websites

• Jakeandamir.com
• Fantasy Football
• Facebook
• Barstool Sports
• Igoogle
• Google Finance
• College Humor
• My sister's blog (to make sure i still have more followers)
• ESPN

5. Read the poem that I wrote last night.  I liked that one.
6. Put a piece of gum in my mouth.
7. Chewed it.
8. Heard a woman in my class make the most horrifying, gut wrenching sound while coughing.  Seriously, I thought she was coughing up a guy that was already coughing to death.
9. Took out my notebook and wrote down the date.
10. Tried to solve a sample problem my teacher just gave us.
11. Stopped after writing down 2 numbers, once I realized I had no clue what to do.
12. Remembered that I forgot to bring lunch, to pay for my parking, and to pay my rent for December.
13. Accidentally hit my fist on the desk and made a really loud noise.  Looking back on it, I have no clue how that could have happened.  Why was I making a fist?
14. Decided to write this post.
15. Wondered if my professor knows what I'm doing or if she thinks I'm just the most diligent note taker in the world.

Chopping Off My Left Arm

I used to be the best, but now I'm the worst.
I'm currently 14 games out of first
I just cant win, no matter how hard I try
I have to carry tissues, as I now start to cry
Every loss I endure, weighs heavy on my heart
After each loss, I check my pants for a shart
It's depressing and upsetting, so just take my arm,
Bury it under a tree, in your yard or a farm
Take it away, so I can end this nightmare
I keep a straight face to show I don't care
But I can lie no longer, the truth must come out
The next time you see me, expect a permanent pout
I can't stand this life, that I'm living right now
I want to my punch my face, while yelling KAPOW!
A tear streams free, each time they shoot.
WHY THE FUCK CANT I WIN, AT MOTHER FUCKING BERUIT!!!!!!!!

Oh Gas Station Attendant

So I pulled into a gas station today.  Right before I pulled in, another car had pulled in in front of me.  So the gas station attendant walks over to that car and starts filling it up.  Naturally, I assumed that while that car was being filled, he would come over and fill mine up.  Of course, I was wrong.  Instead, the gas station attendant just walked around behind the car, talking to himself.  The weird part was that, it looked like he actually surprised himself  a few times with whatever conversation he was having. Finally, that car was full.  He took care of the payment and then made his way over to my car. He did the same thing as another car sat and waited to be filled up. 

Side note:
You know how after your screw your gas cap on, it just spins and clicks once its all the way on? Usually, once you hear that click a few times, you stop.  Not this guy!  I pretty sure this guy actually thinks, once you hear a few clicks, you have to just keep spinning it until you get tired or until they drive away.

You have a What?!

I just found out a wonderful tidbit of information.  Apparently, up until 3 months ago, someone in my MBA class was using a walkman. With mix tapes.

Shut Up Sign!

So one night during my freshman year at Tufts, I had to urinate. Pretty basic stuff.  So I went to the bathroom and right above the toilet there was a sign that said, "Stop Fucking Pissing On The Seat!"  I found this very upsetting.  I don't enjoy it when signs swear at me or tell me what to do.  So I decided to teach this mean sign a lesson that he would never forget.  I proceed to rip the sign off the wall and throw him in the toilet.  Then I peed all over him and his precious seat.  Last time I saw that sign try and tell me what to do.

Half of The Country

Haya loo doo?! Before I make my point, lemme give you a quick break down of this history of the phrase I just wrote.  It began as the saying, "How do you love that?" Then it became, "How ya luh dat?"  Next it was, "Ha ya luhdah?" And finally, "Haya loo doo?!" Ok, moving on.

WHAT has now been viewed in 27 states which is also half of the country.  I need you other mother frizzle bizzles to pick it up.  That's right I'm talking to you North Dakota, South Dakota, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Nevada, Colorado, Utah, New Mexico, Wyoming, Nebraska, Kansas, Alaska, Montana, Minnesota, Iowa, Ohio, Kentucky, West Virginia, Louisiana, Alabama, Georgia, and Tennessee. (Wow that took so much longer than it should have.) I'll keep you posted as we gain more.

For the rest of you, we're cool for now.

References:

Poll #4

Well. It seems as though you all feel really confident in your stamina.  47% of you thought you could kill 500 of them before they killed you.  Do you have any idea how tiring it would be to kill 500 5 year olds?  You have to assume that after a minute, they're going to be swarming all over you! 500 is ridiculous.  What would be your main way of killing them anyway?  Bop them on the head like Bunny Fufu?  I'd like to hear how you guys imagined this going down.  Throw some comments on this thing.

The Best Pick Up Line

Every guy has been offered advice on picking up girls.   I've heard so many different suggestions.  "Treat them like shit."  "Treat them like queens."  "Fake an Australian accent." (works awesome) "Ask them if they'd rather be a rock star or a famous actress."  (i didnt know the significance of either answer so I never had any where to go after they answered.)  Recently, I was informed that commenting on a girl's shoes is a solid open. So tonight, I thought I would take that advice under consideration and go for it.  Here was the conversation that followed.

Ok so I'm at this club and this slutty ass slut farm walks in.  She's got a dress that is barely covering her ass.  Bleach blonde hair and 14.2 pounds of make up on.  I walk up to her and say,

"This might sound weird, but I think those shoes are really cute.  I know for a fact that my cousin would love those, where did you get them?"
"I got them at a porno shoot."
"Um... what?!"
"I got them at my porno shoot last week.  They just gave them to me."
"Oh... um. Okay.  Well I doubt my cousin will be shopping there anytime soon but I'll be sure to let her know."
"This place is really boring compared to L.A."
"Oh really? You're in the middle of no where and your surprised L.A. is more fun?"
"Yeah, I dunno, I was just expecting a few more naked people."

This was the point in the conversation when I had to walk away.  I don't even know what she meant by more naked people but I honestly didn't want to know.  Especially since there were already several half naked guys fist pumping their way through this club to begin with.   I guess I learned that pick up lines don't work on porn stars.

This...Is...Awkward...

So, while I'm at the club last night, I'm watching two of my friends get their mack on out on the dance floor.  Me and Ryan are just standing by the bar.  All of a sudden, this older gentleman, maybe in his 40's stumbles over to us and decides to stand right next to me.  He doesn't say anything at first.  He just stands there, swaying back in forth, struggling to stay up right and battling gravity.  About 15 seconds last he turns to me and says, "So, what do you think?"  I knew this was going to be an interesting conversation since the first line was already confusing. 
I turned to him and just said ,"What?"  I actually think he was surprised that I didn't know what he was talking about, which then surprised me.  We were all surprised I guess.  He turns back to me and says, "What do you think of the night?"  Well, ok.  This time I at least know what he's talking about.  I said "Oh, I had a good time."  Then my middle aged drunk friend, I think, got a little distracted.  He stared off into the dance floor with a smile on his face.  I couldn't tell if the conversation was over or not, I just stood there, barely moving.  About 20 seconds later, he replies, "Nice."  Then he walked away, never to be seen again.

Everybody's Pregnant!

So, tonight we ended up back at Diva's.  If you recall from an earlier post, Diva's is a gay club that has a non gay party every month hosted by a Umass club called EDMC.  Anyway, as usual.  Me and my friends are dancing up an absolute storm.  Some guy who works for the club is following us around and taking our picture for their website and facebook page. So we're celebrities, no big deal.  Anyway, we meet a couple girls and we start dancing with them.  As the song went on I got a little bored, so I had my roommates surround the girls.  We started jumping up and down and we started a chant.  It went like this.  "Everybodys pregnant! Everybodys pregnant! Everybodys pregnant!  Baby, baby, baby!" I'm not sure if you know the video or not, but to help you imagine our song, it actually was going to the beat of the peanut butter jelly time  chorus.  After the chant, we went back to our normal dancing. One minute later, our fourth friend came over and we, of course, repeat the chant. This time though, at the end, we added in "tickle fest, tickle fest, tickle fest!" I love group dances.

I am the Man!

I will literally punch your face off of your face.  I was at Bdubs last night, or in layman's terms Buffalo Wild Wings.  They have that arcade that you punch a bag and it tells you how hard you hit it.  Well I'm watching these people in my program go at it, bashing this thing and every is celebrating and having a blastie so naturally I wanna get involved so that I can have a blastie as well.  Keep in mind, I've never punched anyone before so I've got no clue how hard I punch.  In fact, I've always been worried that I punch like a pussy and that if I actually get into a fight, I won't do any damage and get my ass kicked.  Anyway, a few people go in front of me (including two former marines) and the high score is set at about 670 or so.  I step up, and just drop an absolute bomb on this game.  I felt like Ivan Drago hitting with 2000 lbs per square inch.  I think I actually gave the arcade a black eye and gave it kidney stones.  Hows that 704 tastse?!

So it's official.  If I ever get into a fight, and I have 60 seconds to plant my feet, line up my shot, and aim at a guy that isnt moving, I will punch his face off of his face.

Really?

So tonight I went out with a couple of friends to a bar. I didn't have a ride home so my plan was to end up with this girl and hopefully get a ride home with her.  I entered the first bar that night with the friends that I arrived with.  I didn't end up talking to any of them during the night as they were all a little preoccupied so I left. I went to meet this "other girl" who ended up at Stackers. I headed over to Stackers to meet this girl. I walked in and didn't see her so, like a cool guy I ordered a vodka and tonic (I'm watching my calorie intake). So anyway, I order that drink and I continue roaming through the bar. I end up finding my "friend.". She's flirting with some guy and you know what? I actually don't care. I just say hey its college. So I do a lap and as I come back around she finds me. She hugs me like a normal friend and we exchange pleasantries and the night is progressing as I expected. I blink my eyes, and the next thing I know she is making out with that guy she was flirting with earlier. That's fun.  I didn't feel like talking to her anymore understandably so I began walking home. WELL GUESS WHAT! I JUST REALIZED LIKE AN IZIOT, I LEFT MY CC AT THE OTHER BAR.  I walked back to that bar, got my CC and I started my 3 mile journey home at 12:45. Yay. Oh haha holy shit. I just saw the girl who was making out with that guy earlier. She waved to me as if we were still friends. That's funny.I just got home. Its  1:45. What a good night.

Morning Update: I just looked it up. It really was 3 miles.  That sucks for me.

LOL

Shut the fuck up! Don't LOL me.  Back in the good ole days, LOL used to mean, laughing out loud.  Now in the bad new days, it means, you made a joke which i didn't laugh at but I don't want you to feel like an idiot.  Example:

What was really said:

"My teacher is such an idiot.  It's like hello! did you even go to school?"
"LOL, yeah."

What they meant:

"My teacher is such an idiot.  It's like hello! did you even go to school?"
"that's not funny."

The only way to truly know if someone laughed at your joke is if they respond in the following ways:

"hahahahahahaha"
"ha! I literally just laughed out loud."
"Oh fuck, I think I'm dying from laughing so hard. Why the shit did you do this to me?!"

The third one rarely happens, but when it does, you know you had a winner.  What ever joke you made to make that person respond like that, save it and use it with as many people as possible. 

Thank you to KM for bringing this to my attention. Jerk.

Shut Your Mouth!

There are lots of ways to convey a message to someone.  If you want to say hi, you simply wave to them.  If you want to say, fuck you, you flip them the finger.  If you want to say, come hither, you use one finger and curl it towards yourself inviting them over.  And, if you want to tell someone, I'm a dumb stupid moron, you stand around with your mouth open. 
     Honestly, there is no faster way to say to someone, "Hello, there are absolutely zero intelligent thoughts running through my head right now," than to stare into space breathing through your open mouth.  Like seriously? If I saw someone doing that and showed them a picture of themselves, I bet they'd be like "holy shit, I'm a dumb dumb."  And I'd nod and say, "Yes. You are a dumb dumb."  It's almost like if you were to turn off someone's brain, their jaw automatically lowers an inch.  I think there may even be a correlation between a persons IQ and how open their mouth is.
      I was in class yesterday and saw someone doing this and I couldn't take my eyes off him.  I was trying to send him a message through esp. "Shut your mouth you iziot, turn on your brain!"  He couldn't hear me.  Dunno why I'm surprised though.  Clearly, if he stands around with his mouth open, he's not smart enough to have mastered ESP. Moron.

Facebook Friends

You know what I've started doing which I am really enjoying?  I go through my news feed on the front page of facebook and I look for announcements that two people have become friends.  Then I comment on it and talk about how its been a long time coming and how they were meant to be friends forever.  I most enjoy this when I don't know either of the people involved.  Now you're probably asking yourself, how am I getting news feeds on people I don't know since at least one of them has to be my facebook friend.  Well, it's pretty simple, I don't know about 1/3 of my facebook friends.  I just friend people whenever I feel like it.  And by people, I mean girls.  And by whenever I feel like it, I mean when she look hot in one of my friends pictures.

Following

So, I know there are people out there that are reading my blog and are yet to become followers.  STOP IT! Follow that shit son.  Make me look like a champ.  Here's a list of things that you should follow this blog like:

1. Like an ambulance in traffic.
2. Like a news crew getting ready to interview someone.
3. Like Moses through the Red Sea
4. Like an interesting blog
5. Like "that car!" if you had just jumped in a taxi
6. Like a leprechaun if you want to know where his gold is
7. Like Santa Claus if there was a hole in his gift bag

Zanka vedda mudge (thats armenian for thank you very much.)

They Must be Idiots

So I was at Newman yesterday for lunch and I ordered a steak and cheese sub.  Pretty basic, nothing special. But when I saw Moron McStupidstein making my sub, I was instantly infuriated.  It just doesn't make sense.  What is going through a person's head when they the sub roll all the way through?  I wonder if it's a prank on me.  Like the guys thinking, "Watch this.  This kids going to eat his sub and all of the stuff i just spent 5 minutes making is going to fall right out of the bottom." Like serioulsy?  What the hell is wrong with you.  Just cut one side! I spend half my team eating the sub and the other half avoiding falling peppers and onions like I'm mother frank Chicken Little.  People who cut my sandwiches all the way through make it onto my top ten list of people I want to mail to Punch-In-The-Face-Ville. Here's the list in its entirety:

10. People who say on accident, same difference, flying fuck or east bum fuck.
9.   People who watch The Hills
8.   People that use their blinker when merging onto the high way. (I get it, you're moving in to the lane to your left, there's no where else to go!)
7.   People who cut my sandwiches all the way through
6.   People who do the double cheek kiss.
5.   People who press the cross walk button but don't wait to use it.
4.   People who switch lanes on the highway when no one is in front of them.
3.   People who judge you for going a couple months without showering.  (i was busy!)
2.   People who ride their bikes in the middle of the street (includes their rolled up pant leg)
1.   People who use the cross walk at a non busy intersection. (seriously? if there's no one coming, cross the street. if not, wait. pretty simple)  

Bow Ties

Seriously? Come on. Just stop it.

Close Your Eyes!

Guys that shave their heads shouldn't stand around with their eyes wide open. Alone, either a shaved head or wide open eyes are creepy enough to make you look like a serial killer.  But combined, it turns you into a super mega serial killer rapist baby hunter with gonorrhea.  Be careful.