Just Eat It!

So I've got a friend named Shmatt Shtearns (name changed for privacy) who is a very strange guy when it comes to eating and drinking.  For some unknown reason, he refuses to eat and drink several common, every day items and I interviewed him the other day to see just how widespread his strangeness spreads.

When it comes to fruits, he will only eat one and as he put it, "I only eat one fruit and it just so happens to be the one shaped like a dick."  He, of course, was referring to bananas.  He told me he would throw up if he ate an orange or a clementine and that he wouldn't do it for $10.  Seriously. I know. This is just the beginning. He refuses to eat any other fruits, especially strawberries and apples.

Moving on to cereal.  He informed me that all cereals make him want to throw up.  He refused to even eat a handful of cheerios.  Unbelievable. This is shocking to me as an avid cereal lover, I just can't comprehend it.  He said we would have to pay him $10 just to eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  When asked about eating Fruit Pebbles (the greatest cereal of all time) he simply said, "Oh God no."

According to Shmatt, he also can't handle the texture of protein shakes or milk shakes and would throw up if he ever tried one.

Shmatt also dropped this line on us when we asked him about gum, "I don't see the point of chewing gum. It tastes like I'm chewing rubber."  I'm not sure if he's just been chewing on rubber flavored gum or if his taste buds don't work but that doesn't sound like any gum I've ever tried.

Next, and probably the best quote of the night.  I asked him about eating steak and I was shocked by this answer.  "I used to choke on steak but now I love it."  He used to choke? What?! He didn't say I used to not like the taste, he actually said I used to choke on it.  Holy shit. How do you routinely choke on steak?  Mind boggling.

And last but not least. The thing that has convinced me that Shmatt is actually a little girl living in a little boys body.  He doesn't drink beer. Ever. Hates the taste.  Hates the carbonation.  Loves vodka.  Me and my friends do this thing called the beer olympics every once in a while and Shmatt told me, since he can't participate that we should do the Vodka Olympics as well.  Hmm, sounds more like a suicide pact but ok!

Wat a freakaleak.

Poll #9

Well, that was a stupid ass poll.  The final results were 20 votes for Reading Minds and 3 votes for Seeing Through Clothes.  As my cousin said to me, "If the answers are completely one sided, it means you fail and you're retarded for even questioning it."  Well, I guess I'm retarded then.  But I guess the 3 people who picked "see through clothes" are even more retarded right? Whatever! It's done. We're moving on.  I challenged my cousin to come up with a better poll, which is now up, so go ahead and vote.

If any of you iziots think you can come up with a better poll, put it on this post as a comment and if it's good, i'll use it for my next one.

Snap!

In everyone's life, there are things they do or say that is unique to them.  Well maybe they're not unique, but they are definitely not as common in the rest of the population.  For example, I have a friend who calls himself Daddy all the time.  And another friend who constantly just says, "Hey, I'm just a guy."  For me, my go to line is just, "Snap."  Snap! Oh Snap! It fits all the time and not just in it's original form.  It has evolved over years into all different kinds of words.  I can't imagine going through a day without it.

Seriously, it works in any situation.

It can be used to show excitement:
"Hey, Adam, we're going to Buffalo Wild Wings tonight."  Oh snap!

It can be used to mean "zing!"
"Hey Adam, yo mama is so ugly, when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'" Oh Snizap!

It can be used to show surprise:
"Hey Adam, I'm gay"  Oh snapadoodle!

It can be used to show sadness:
"Hey Adam, I'm gay."  Oh...snapski :(

It can be used as instructions:
"Hey, Adam, I don't know how to keep a beat."  Snap!

The key to using a word all the time, like i mentioned earlier, is to morph it into new words all the time.  For example: Snap, Snizap, Snapadoodle, Snapski, Snapalope, Snizzle, Snaptastic, Snapster, Snapalap, Snaptown and Snapsnap. 

Throwback #2

Well we've got another Facebook note Throwback.  I remember the day I wrote The 5 Do Nots of Driving, I was making a long road trip and I encountered so many terrible drivers.  I got home and was so annoyed I immediately wrote this.

I'm so unbelievably sick of terrible drivers. I know some drivers are bad just because they can't pay attention long enough to be a good driver, but the others just don't understand some simple unwritten rules of driving. If you know any of these terrible drivers, make sure they see this so we can keep them from killing us, or at least pissing us off.

Here's my quick list of 5 do not's.

1. Do not leave your blinker on for 5 miles while you're in the middle lane or any lane for that matter, you ugly fart head.
2. Do not change lanes when they is no one in front of you, you stupid iziot.
3. Do not come to a complete stop when getting on to the high way, you Simon Birch look-a-like.
4. Do not sit in the fast lane cruising at the speed limit as people pass on you the right, you fast lane cruising banana eater that makes people pass you on the right.
5. Do not stop to let me come into your lane when they're is nobody behind you, you Askjeeves.com user.

Seriously? Simon Birch Look-a-like?  That's still one of my go to insults.  Classic.

Since I've Been Back

As most of you know, I love to write about weird people or stupid things people say or things of that kind.  I've been back in Amherst for a week now and already I've had to start a list to keep track of this stuff. 

• A professor quoting Apollo 13 said, "Houston... We're in trouble"
• A professor asked our class "Does anyone want to finish off my but?"
• A guy with side burns so long they almost touched each other (about an inch between them)
• A 60 year old guy at a bar, singing every word to "Party in the USA"
• 4 people slip and fall on ice, one of which had trouble getting back up. (awesome)
• A 5 year old with a lap top in the MBA lounge. Pretty ambitious kid.
• On a rainy day, a kid whose pants were soaked up to his knees (no clue how that happened)
• 5 guys watching/cheering on a ping pong game between two of the worst ping pong players I've ever seen.
• A man at the gym wearing a bra, or a bro i guess.
  

It's good to be back.

What A Feeling! (Oh and Leave Me Alone!)

So I started this blog about 2 months ago and since then I've learned of a new feeling or sensation as you will.  It's called a blogasm.  I have a blogasm whenever something happens that I instantly know I'm going to blog about.  Like when that girl tried to take my drink and then yelled at me for not giving it to her, blogasm.  Or when I saw that guy stumble forward, knock his sunglasses off and then step on them.  Double blogasm.  Anyway, I had that just a few minutes ago.  (technically, its been a couple weeks since i wrote this. watever)

I was sitting on my couch reenacting the Civil War in my head when I heard a knock at the door.  I go up stairs and find a very attractive blonde girl standing there.  Maybe my age, maybe a little younger.  I think to myself, "not a bad way to start the day."  Then I thought to myself, "Adam, it's unfortunate that you have a rug burn on my forehead that looks exactly like a huge, huge pimple."  Anyway, I got past that and I was interested to see what she had to say.

I should've been tipped off that something was wrong when she introduced me to "her friend" who was about 45 years old.  Then she said those words that makes you want to punch everyone in the face, "How are you today?"  No, not those words. "We're spreading the good word of the Bible."  Oh god.  Really? Come on.  Well being the nice guy that I am, I decided to let her finish her little pitch.  (I really just liked looking at her but I don't want God to know that.  In case you didn't know it, God can't read things in parentheses, so he doesn't know I'm saying this.)

Apparently, this girl wanted to talk about the end of the world and was throwing out all these facts about current events.  And she was like I'm sure you've heard about the earthquake in Haiti and the fighting in some random country I don't remember.  I just shook my head in agreement.  I didn't think it was necessary to inform her that I don't have time for world news because I got the new Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.  I didn't mind listening for the first 30 seconds but come on! Get to the point.  I mean, I'm standing here in sweat pants, a purple youth basketball shirt and hair sticking in every direction.  Clearly, I have places to go and things to do, so let me be on my way.  Finally, she wrapped it up by quoting the Bible and ensuring me that the Earth will be here forever.  That really comforted me.  I was convinced that the sun was going to blow up and the world was going to end in 2 million years which would put a serious damper on my weekend in the year 2002010, but I feel better now.

Poll #8

So, this poll has finally closed and we've done it again! Back to back polls, the world has agreed with me.  Pay-per-view baby!  If I'm gonna wrestle a naked 400 lb guy I better get some publicity and moola out of this thing.

I asked a few people about their responses and why they voted that way.  One friend who voted for jello said, "He won't be able to choke me because it's slippery."  I guess that makes sense.  You've avoided being choked, but you're still wrestling a naked guy in jello.  Another friend (a guy) who voted for wrestling him under a waterfall said, "Well at least I'd be showering at the same time." Okay... So it wasn't bad enough that you had to wrestle a naked 400 lb guy, but now you're showering with him as well?  I feel like that's a step in the wrong direction, but that's just me.

See you on Monday. Make sure you vote in the new poll.

Quick Shout Out

Ayo, listen up.  As most of you know, I'm going to school at Umass Amherst right now in Sports Management program.  My roommate, Ryan Pierce (no name change there), who is in the program with me is doing an independent study for which he has started a blog called Sports and New Media.  If you have any interest in media and/or sports, I would suggest taking a look.

But, if reading this blog is going to take away from reading my blog in any way whatsoever, then please disregard the above announcement. 

P.S.  Isn't it amazing that whatsoever is one word?  Crazy.

P.P.S. I'll be posting again around 1 PM so don't miss out.

That's Not How That Works

So far, I've quoted several of my cousins on this blog because I spend so much time with them and I love to ridicule them about them about every ridiculous thing they've said or done.  If you recall in Conversation I had with my Cousin, my cousin Shmatrina thought my cousin called me Lids because I like hats, when in reality he was referring to his gf Lidia.  Then in Where is Alaska, my cousin Shmangela claimed that Alaska was down south.  Next in Why Are So Many of my Stories About Poo, you learned that my cousin Shmerek decided to send me a picture of his poo that he described as "It was liquid poo but whole. Looked like egg foo yung."

Well now its time for Shmoxanne to get thrown into the mix.  The other day I was over at her house and she was talking about going to the gym and she said, "I need to go to the gym because I have extra skin I need to lose."  Oh, well ok.  Apparently, she thinks this is how weight loss works.  It's not fat that we're burning off of our bodies by working out, its just extra skin we're getting rid of.   That's definitely correct without a doubt at all.  I'm lying.  It's actually the most incorrect thing that's ever been said since that time my English teacher said, "This paper was a failure on several fronts and I have serious doubts about your ability to achieve a passing grade in this class."  Actually, now that I think about it, that statement was pretty accurate so I guess it doesn't really work in this situation.  Oh well, I don't have time for this.  I need to go to the gym and lose some skin.

Story Time: Worst Blackout Ever

So, this took place about a year ago, maybe longer.  I went out with some friends of mine in Brighton.  We went out to the Joshua Tree and we were having an absolute blastie.  During the night, of course, I took some shots of tequila, and if you read Tequila and Me, you would know that that is never a good idea for me.  Anyway, we were doing the usual, starting dance circles and booing girls that took too long in the circle.  As the night progressed I got drunker and drunker.  Eventually, I realized that my friends had all left the bar without me so I ran upstairs and hailed a cab.  I took the cab back to my friends place in Brighton and that's where the story gets interesting...

I woke up the next morning not sure where I was.  One of my friends was standing in the door and asked me where I went last night.  I told him that they left me at the bar and I took a cab home.  He then responded, "We never left.  We watched you walk right by us and get into a cab."  Oh, well I'm sure that's happened to people before, watevs.

I go downstairs and one of the girls who was living there was sitting on the couch and asked me, "So are you going to clean that up?"  This is where I got a bit nervous because I had no clue what she was referring to.  I asked her to explain further and she said, "You seriously don't remember?  Go up stairs and look in Bleepblop's (name change) room, which was the room I slept in.  As I'm walking up the stairs I'm thinking, ok where did I throw up?  I look around the room, and don't see any vomit what so ever. Then something caught my eye.

Her laundry basket was filled to the top with folded clothes, but something was off.  I strolled over only to notice that they were all soaking wet.  And then I notice that she has two drawers in her dresser open and empty.  Shit.

Yup. That's right.  I took a cab home by myself.  Went upstairs.  Opened her drawers. And peed all over her clean clothes.  Oh and then passed out in her bed, forcing her to have a friend come pick her up so she could sleep at her house.  I literally can't think of a worse thing that I could've done.  Except peeing in the other 4 drawers of course.  Tequila + Me = Not so awesome guy.

Back in Full Swing

Well, I'm back at school which means I'm back to blogging full blast.  The plan is a steady one post every Monday-Friday.  I plan to take the weekends off unless something ridicutastic goes down and I just need to crack an egg of knowledge on your heads.  Hope you've enjoyed it so far.

P.S. If you're not a follower yet, get it done.  Its easy and you won't get any stupid emails and shick.

How Not to Spell, Again

I am just getting so much material from The World Champion of Spelling Errors.  Here is the third installment of world's worst speller.  Once again, words in red are my commentary.


Girl: now we have to work on my slef estieme issues
T D0gg33: omg
T D0gg33: wat does that say? 
Girl: self  (omg. she thought "slef" was the worst spelled word in that first sentence)
T D0gg33: and the second word?
Girl: estieme (she wrote it exactly the same, so clearly she was confident in that spelling)
T D0gg33: no
Girl: esteame
T D0gg33: no
Girl: estiem
T D0gg33: no
Girl: here we go again
T D0gg33: yup
Girl: esteem
T D0gg33: yay!

I love it.

A Thumbtack in My Cereal

Now, usually my titles don't give away what happened in my story.  I like to leave a little bit of mystery in my titles.  But not this one.  There it is, right there for all to see.  I found a thumbtack in my cereal the other day.  Well, technically I found it in my mouth when I bit down on it but I'm assuming it came from my cereal.  What the hell! What am I supposed to do.  Do I call them? Do I call a lawyer? Do I just forget about it.

I kinda want to call them because I've always wondered how companies deal with situations like this.  Like how do they know that people aren't faking it when this happens.  I clearly could have just put a tack in my cereal and then called them.  Actually, I wouldn't even have to put it in the cereal,  I'd just have to call them and tell them it happened and I would just need to own a thumbtack that I could use for proof.  The thing is, if I was faking it, I wouldn't have actually chewed on it.

I brought up this issue of proof with my friend and he suggested that I take pictures of it.  I was confused by this.  I asked him if taking a picture of a thumbtack proves that it came from their box of cereal.  He replied, "Take lots of pictures."  Oh! Okay, that makes much more sense.  "Dear Kellog, Here are 1,000 pictures of a thumbtack, clearly that proves it came from your cereal box.  Please give me a bag of money."

Another problem I have with the situation is that if I was going to complain to someone and sue their little bumbums off, I wouldn't know who to sue.  I kind of mixed Special K with Strawberries and Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds, so I don't know who to blame.  While writing this my tooth has begun to hurt and that sucks a lot because my teeth were already hurting a lot from getting my wisdom teeth out.  If you have any advice for me on this situation  I would love to hear it.

I haven't even gotten to the worst part about this whole story.  The reason I mixed two cereals is because they were both almost empty so I combined them into one bowl and finished them both off.  Unfortunately, I found this tack on about my 4th bite and clearly once you've found a thumb tack in a bowl of cereal, you don't continue to finish that bowl.  So now I have to go throw out this bowl of cereal (which was amazing, great combination) and I can't even recreate it because both cereals are gone! Out of all the things that have happened to me that included 2 boxes of cereal and a thumbtack, this is definitely the worst.

Throwback #1

Way back when writing notes on Facebook was cool for like two weeks, I kinda did a little semi blogging and I'd like to take some time and share those with you in case you missed it.  I'd like to kick it off with the classic and ever popular 25 Things About Me.

1. I'm not a follower.
3. I don't conform to social norms.
2. I'm numerically dyslexic.
4. I think this list is a waste of time, but in reality, everything i do is a waste of time, so it actually makes sense for me to do this.
5. Last week, i only pooped once. 0 times in a toilet.
6. Right now, I wish I could delete what I just wrote for #5.
7. I fucking hate this number.
8. I remember my birth. Vividly.
9. I recently found out Kansas IS a state.
10. My favorite time of the year is when the leaves are changing colors. I love black leaves.
11. It's alot harder to come up with 25 retarded things to say than i expected.
12. Forget, what I said in number 9, I was misinformed...again!
13. Since I started writing this, I've gotten lost twice.
14. I once learned how to speak Chinese. Turns out... what? Oh you think you know what I was going to say? Fine, finish it for me then. No no no! You're so fucking smart you think you can finish my sentences. Well fucking do it then!
15. I've been known to invent imaginary friends while writing lists.
16. I've been known to many a male escort.
17. I have dress rehearsal for the Vagina Monologues this Thursday.
18. Sometimes at the dinner table, I secretly fart and then blame it on myself.
19. Being a catholic sounds fun.
20. Dress rehearsal got moved back to Saturday I guess.
21. For some reason, I don't sleep very good.
22. I sleep very well.
23. I have a message in my inbox and i can't wait to finish this so I can read it. I'm going to start shortening the items on my list so that I can read the message sooner. In case you missed the logic there, if I start to write shorter items on my list, then it will take me less time to write them, which will in turn allow me to finish my list sooner than previously expected which will then allow me to read said message in said inbox.
24. If you didn't read that whole thing, you should, because I said the word said twice within 4 words. Kinda like in that last sentence.
25. When I eat ice cream it reminds me of frozen milk that is continuously stirred allowing little bubbles of air to get stuck inside which givies it a smooth, creamy texture.

Wow.  I don't know if this is weird or conceited but I was literally just in tears laughing at that.  Classic.

I Punch You Woman!

So a couple days before christmas, I was doing some last minute shopping for christmas, I was stuck in some parking lot traffic and I encountered the most infuriating woman ever! I wanted to climb to the top rope and just drop an absolute Hulk Hogan leg drop on her head.

So in this parking lot, there's the main road that everyone has one has to get onto to leave, and there are all the lanes from the parking lot that dump into it.  Well as I'm sitting in traffic on that main road, there are all these cars trying to get in from the side.  Every once in a while I'll let someone in because I'm a nice guy.  But I notice the woman behind me was right on top of my ass. She was about 2 feet from my bumper at all times refusing to let anyone in.  To make it even worse, every time she passed someone who was trying to get in, she would shake her head at them and mouth, "No! No!"  I could not believe it.  I was so fucking pissed.  I mean, I wasn't even the one she wasn't letting in and it still pissed me off.

The thing that made me so mad was that it wasn't like these people were antagonizing her.  They weren't like trying to squeeze in or like yelling at her.  They were just sitting there patiently and she would stare them down and shake her head.  I literally have never been so mad at someone that has done absolutely nothing to me.  If I could build a poogloo (igloo made of poo) and force just one person to live inside it, it would be her.

Domestic and Foreign: Superstar

Well, I checked the stats recently on just how far this flapjack is spreading and eez nice.  This blog is gettin silly wit it all over the world and I want you to know I appreciate it.  I want this to continue so I make you this offer.  If you are on my blog in another country and you prove it to me I will pay you twenty dollars.  All you need for proof is a picture of you, holding your computer with my blog open, standing next to a famous landmark to prove your location, alongside your grandmother holding two forms of ID for both you and her and you need to be giving me both the thumbs up and thumbs down with the same hand.  Pretty simple.  Good luck!

Domestic Stats:
31 states so far across the country.  Still waiting on a few big ones like Alaska, Lousiana and Nevada, come on! Figure it out.

International Stats:

WHAT has been read in 23, yes 23 countries across 6 continents.

North America: USA, Canada, Aruba, Puerto Rico
South America: Brazil, Argentina, Venezuela
Europe: UK, Spain, France Germany, Greece, Switzerland
Asia: ARMENIA, Russia, India, Japan, Indonesia, Malaysia, Israel, Singapore,
Africa: Egypt
Australia: Australia

That is friggin awesome.  Armenia! Are you shitting me! Nice.  Anyone who reads my blog in Armenia is getting free choreg for life!  Once again I thank you and hope you're enjoying it. In about a week and a half I'll be back at school, which means boredom in class, which means blogging like crazy.

Poll #7

Finally!!! It took 7 polls for you mother snickers to agree with me.  Although this was probably the most bizarre poll of them all.  I don't really know what it means for a person to kind of want to eat you.  Does that mean that I can just like talk them out of it?  Or do I have to like just run away for a couple minutes and they'll give up?  I feel like I could persuade 10 people not to eat me if they're really not dedicated to it.  But one guy that really wants to eat me, well I have a feeling hes going to do what ever it takes to get me in his belly and thats just something I'm not ready to deal with.  I'm glad to see there are others that agree with me.

I Will Find You!

What the shit is this! I go on to see if I got any more followers today and what do I find?  Someone has unfollowed me!!!!!! First of all, I didn't even know that was an option.  Second of all, what the frankenstein!  This is very very very upsetting.  What did I do to deserve this?  Nothing! Ok, so maybe a lot of my stories involve poop or people being idiots but still.  This is literally the second meanest thing anyone has ever done to me, behind my mom telling me someone broke in and stole just my christmas presents. Bullshit! In both cases.  God damnit, wat a terrible thing to fall asleep to. Now I'm gonna have a nightmare in which I wake up and I have -4 followers.  I don't even know what that would mean but I'm sure it would be terrible.  I challenge whoever just defollowed me to comment and speak your name.  Tell me who it was so I can come to your house and defollow you to your face! Twice!

Morning Update: Double Bullshit! I lost another one just for posting that. You sons of bitches! You'll all pay.  Whoever Rumpo is, I'm gonna find you and force you to watch 200 episodes of Weinerville from Nickelodeon.

World Worst Speller is Back

Well, the worst speller in the world strikes again.  This is a quick convo but it just wasn't even close.  I love it.

Girl: i depribed of people my own age
T D0gg33: wat
Girl: dipribed?
T D0gg33: um
Girl: Hi my name is shmanna i cant spell (name changed for privacy)
T D0gg33: deprived
T D0gg33: its a v u idiot

A couple days ago I told her that I was going to be putting up a second conversation of ours on the blog, this time about the word deprived.  Then I figured out why she was spelling it so poorly.  She asked me, "what did I say I was depribed of?"  I actually heard her use the B in the word.  Good times, for me.

You Won't Eat It

Yesterday, I was sitting at a red light and a car pulled up next to me.  The driver seemed pretty normal, had his girlfriend in the seat next to him.  All of a sudden, this guy starts cleaning/scratching/digging in the inside of his ear.  And this guy was going nuts!  It was crazy!  I was convinced he had a bug in his ear or something.  I've never seen anyone scratch their ear so frantically.  And it wasn't like a quick 2 second burst of finger to ear madness.  This lasted a good 20 seconds, or a bad 20 seconds depending on if you're his ear or not.  Anyway, after he was done, he then inspected his finger.  At this point, I'm thinking to myself, "Please! Please eat it! For the love of God! Eat that ear wax!!!!"  He stared and stared, rolled it up into a ball, and then.... flicked it away. Fuck! I really thought it was going to happen but I guess I'm just not that lucky.  Next time.

Poll #6

I just realized I never posted this and with Poll #7 ending soon, I had to get it up today.  Suck it! You all suck.  Granted The Sandlot is one of the greatest movies of all time.  But Brave Little Toaster?  Are you kidding me?!  All of the beloved characters?! The electromagnet at the junkyard? The vacuum?! BLANKY?!?!!  Once again, I am not in line with the masses.  I hope you all think really hard about what you've done.  Suck it.

Tequila and Me

It's official.  I should never be allowed to drink tequila.  I am yet to drink tequila and not become the most hated person everywhere I go.  We went out for New Years last night and of course, like an idiot, i took four shots of tequila before we went out.  Terrible decision.  Now, I don't remember much of last night, but of the moments I do remember, none of them included a girl enjoying my company.  I got into my angry drunk phase where every person I meet is the biggest dickhead/bitch I've ever encountered.  Absolutely no one liked me last night, at all. 

Luckily, I don't remember most of it so I can't actually be sure but I was filled in on the missing parts by my friends.  Apparently, we had a dance circle going that I lit up with a Michael Jackson tribute.  Now, it's not a good sign that I don't remember this because it took place at 10:30.  Already off to a bad start.  Then I proceeded to get my flirt on with the coat check girl.  Unfortunately, in the process, I knocked over her tip jar at least three times.  Throw in the bartender that wanted me thrown out for taking too much champagne and some guy wanting to fight me for rubbing my ass on his sister and you've got a pretty typical New Years Eve.  It didn't stop there though.

When we got back to my friends apartment, I moved on from angry drunk to creepy drunk and start sneaking around the house. Eventually one girl told me i was the most disgusting and dirty guy she's ever met.  I decided at that point that it was time to go to bed.  Oh New Years, you son of a bitch!

PS In case you didn't figure it out. I didn't kiss anyone at midnight.