Just Eat It!

So I've got a friend named Shmatt Shtearns (name changed for privacy) who is a very strange guy when it comes to eating and drinking.  For some unknown reason, he refuses to eat and drink several common, every day items and I interviewed him the other day to see just how widespread his strangeness spreads.

When it comes to fruits, he will only eat one and as he put it, "I only eat one fruit and it just so happens to be the one shaped like a dick."  He, of course, was referring to bananas.  He told me he would throw up if he ate an orange or a clementine and that he wouldn't do it for $10.  Seriously. I know. This is just the beginning. He refuses to eat any other fruits, especially strawberries and apples.

Moving on to cereal.  He informed me that all cereals make him want to throw up.  He refused to even eat a handful of cheerios.  Unbelievable. This is shocking to me as an avid cereal lover, I just can't comprehend it.  He said we would have to pay him $10 just to eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  When asked about eating Fruit Pebbles (the greatest cereal of all time) he simply said, "Oh God no."

According to Shmatt, he also can't handle the texture of protein shakes or milk shakes and would throw up if he ever tried one.

Shmatt also dropped this line on us when we asked him about gum, "I don't see the point of chewing gum. It tastes like I'm chewing rubber."  I'm not sure if he's just been chewing on rubber flavored gum or if his taste buds don't work but that doesn't sound like any gum I've ever tried.

Next, and probably the best quote of the night.  I asked him about eating steak and I was shocked by this answer.  "I used to choke on steak but now I love it."  He used to choke? What?! He didn't say I used to not like the taste, he actually said I used to choke on it.  Holy shit. How do you routinely choke on steak?  Mind boggling.

And last but not least. The thing that has convinced me that Shmatt is actually a little girl living in a little boys body.  He doesn't drink beer. Ever. Hates the taste.  Hates the carbonation.  Loves vodka.  Me and my friends do this thing called the beer olympics every once in a while and Shmatt told me, since he can't participate that we should do the Vodka Olympics as well.  Hmm, sounds more like a suicide pact but ok!

Wat a freakaleak.