Need Some Advice at Panera!!!

So the other day, I was at Panera and I thought I'd have some fun with my friends on Gchat.  There was a very attractive young lady standing next to me and it inspired me to ask my friends how I should go about picking them up.  Here's what I got for responses.  


FIRST UP: Shmatrick (name change)

Me: theres a hot girl next to me at Panera! What do I do?

Shmatrick: order a cheddar broccoli soup and spill in on your lap....then cry

Me: done.  Now wat?

Shmatrick: be inconsolable - then lie down on her table, shove all of the food off, ball up, and keep crying

Me: nice

Shmatrick: Grief is nature's strongest aphrodisiac

  

I actually talked to Shmatrick about that tactic the next day, and I think he might actually believe that grief is the strongest aphrodisiac.  Pretty stupid if you ask me.  Clearly it's card tricks.  

  

NEXT: Shmeven (name change)

Me: theres a hot girl next to me at Panera. What do I do?

Shmeven: ask her if she wants some man mayo with her sandwich.  Hey-OOOOH!!!

Me: done. now what ?

…Well, it turns out that was the end of the move. I can't really tell if I'm supposed to say "Hey Oh!" or if Shmeven was just really impressed with himself.  You may think to yourself, "there really isn't much to this approach."  But then again, it really wasn’t very in depth or complicated.  I guess if she says yes then I deliver on my offer and if she says no, then I go back to reading Highlights. 

FINALLY: ShmeeJ (name change)

Me: theres a hot girl next to me at Panera. What do I do?

ShmeeJ: grab her butt 

Me: done. now what?

ShmeeJ: call her a slut and tell her you think she loves it in the ass.

Me: done. now what?

ShmeeJ: they love that shit.  now just take her home and hit her in the ass.  Game, set, match.

Me: like punch her in the butt?  okay.

ShmeeJ: no, insert your penis into her anal cavity

Me: Oh. That makes more sense.

ShmeeJ: let me know how it goes

Wow.   Let that one sink in for a second.  Now clearly this one was the most aggressive strategy out of the 3.  But I have to give ShmeeJ some credit.  Not only did he try to wrap it up with a solid, “Game, set, match,”  but he was also the only one interested in the results.  Finally, he was able to clarify his hip phrasing into more understandable directions in pretty basic anatomic terms.   

 I just wanna thank you guys for giving me this solid advice and trying to help me get laid.  You were much more helpful than my other friend who actually yelled at me for asking him and that I should man up and that I'm going to be creepy in 3 years.  Is that true?  Is there a creepy age threshold that I am approaching?  I hope not for my self esteem's sake.