I Wish Traffic Would Get Herpes

Traffic is the worst.  There is no way around it.  It is absolutely miserable! I have my first 9-5 job (un-paid internship) these days and it's located in Boston and this is the first time I've really had to deal with rush hour traffic day in and day out.  I can't imagine having to do this every day for more than 3 months.  I would without a doubt rather have my fingers stuck in a chinese finger trap all day everyday.

The only highlight to sitting in traffic everyday is watching people pick their nose, and then seeing them react when you catch them.  That might actually be the highlight to life rather than just traffic.  Its frankin amazing.  You see them pick their nose, they look over, immediately look straight forward and start rubbing their nose as if that's what they were doing the whole time.  "Hey Sir Picksalot, don't try to play me like an idiot.  I saw your finger half way up your nose!"  I'd rather see people take pride in their nose picking.

Like how awesome would it be if you caught someone picking their nose and instead of freaking out, they continued picking it, and then flicked their winnings at you.  Granted it would suck if it actually hit you, but like, Wow! That's some balls and creativity if I've ever seen it.  I'm hoping this catches on and we just have an all out Boog Fest on Route 93 every day.  Holla if ya hear me.

Wow. That's Just Awesome, Mom.

So the other day, I wrote my mom an email about her twitter account and some stuff that she can do to make it better.  Blah blah blah, unimportant stuff.  Anyway, I accidentally wrote the lets "twi" at the end of my email to her.  I dunno how it got there or what I meant to say.  So the end of my email looked like this:

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lemme know what you think.

twi
Adam
Sports Identity
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About an hour later, I got a response back from my mom and well, it was fucking confusing.  Now you should know, I wasn't aware that i wrote "twi" in my last email so I was literally blown away by this response.  This was the email I got back:

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id like to learn about it

twat

mommy
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Awesome.  My mom's dropping twat bombs in emails now.  This coming just weeks after my mom and I awkwardly watched Adam Sandler rail some girl from behind in the movie Funny People.  So i decided to confront my mom about this to ask her what the hell she was thinking.  This was when she informed me that I wrote the word twi in my email and so she responded with twat (she pronounced it as if it rhymed with cat).

She was so confused as to why this was an issue.  She was just like, "what? its not even a word, is it?"  and my dad is just sitting their with a weird expression that was a combination of fear and shock while holding in laughter.  Eventually my sister told my mom that it was another word for petush (armenian for twat) and she was mortified.  Immediately, she asked if I had told anyone about this and of course I said, not yet.  If any of you see my mom, please try not to bring this up.

New Blog: It's not for all of you

As most of you know, I am an avid fisherman.  I fish whenever I have free time and I fish sometimes when I don't have free time.  Bottom line, I love fishing.  For a long time I've always wanted to find a website that talks about different fishing spots that people might not know about.  I decided to start a blog with some of my free time that talks about all the different fishing spots that I have gone to called Massachusetts Bass Fishing Spots.  I know, real creative title right? Shut it!

Now I realize, most of you at this point are probably, well fuck this.  I'm not a redneck, I don't like fishing, that shits boring.  It's totally fine, clearly the blog is not for you. BUT! For the few of you out there that do fish, I hope you enjoy it.  Also for all of you guys, fishermen or not, I'd appreciate it if you would follow the blog anyway just to make it seem like its popular so if some random people find it, they'll be like "Oh shit, this kid knows what he's talking about," instead of saying, "Oh shit, this kid has 8 followers, but one is his best friend and the other 7 are just all of his different email addresses and AIM screennames."  Shit, I was hoping not to admit that but watever.  Just go HERE!

P.S. This does not count as my Friday post.  I think you'll enjoy tomorrow's post.

Lets Go Fishing/Swimming

A couple months ago, I decided to take one of my friends out fishing up in Amherst.  It was just Me, Shmarker Shmox, and the lake.  We cruised over to my favorite fishing spot and tossed the anchor down.  About 3 minutes into the fishing, I hear a little scuffle behind me and what do I see?  Shmarker falling into the water in super slow motion.  Literally in slow motion, it was amazing.  I probably had time to pick up the anchor, drive to the shore, get out of the boat and catch him before he hit the water.  Instead, I just started laughing.

Now to be honest, anyone falling out of a boat is awesome.  Just add that to the fact that he had his Apple iPhone in his pocket and you've got a good story.  Add that to the fact that he had just bought that iPhone from a friend 2 weeks earlier after losing his other iPhone and you've got an great story.  So Shmarker, I'd like to thank you and your lack of balance and your affinity for keeping your iPhone in your pocket at all times for giving me a great story.

It wasn't until we got back to his house that night when I realized I really had an amazing story on my hands.  Shmarker, who really hadn't done much outdoors this spring, had been sitting in the sun with me for 6 hours.  I got my usual sun kissed brown on, he on the other hand, was the reddest I've ever seen anyone.  Add on 300 pounds and throw him through a wall and you would've had the Kool-Aid guy.  It was absurd.  I've literally never seen anything like it before.

So after a day of fishing, I had 3 lb bass and Shmarker was down an iPhone and had the worst sun burn in the history of the sun (which I've heard is a pretty long time.)  

Its My Birthday So Vote

Hey so its my birthday. Gross. 25 I know.  I'm as old as a 25 year old bottle of wine.  Your birthday present to me today will be to vote for my team on facebook for the jose cuervo games, just like you did yesterday.  Here is the link again, Jose Cuervo Games.  Just so you know, if you voted already, i don't give a snuffaluffagus.  You can vote every day.  Thanks guys.  See you in Vegas. 

PS.  I'm not wearing pants.

Ok, It's Time for You to Help Me!

As you know, I make announcements for my friends whenever they are in need of some media exposure. (Yes, I just referred to myself as the media.) Jose Cuervo is having the Cuervo Games and I want to be in it. So that means I need your help. The top 3 teams wit the most votes on Facebook get put in the contest. I voted for myself but I think it's going to take more than 1 vote to win it. This is where you come in.

Now I'm sure most of you are saying, well I don't really care if Adam is in it or not. Well why the fuck not! If I'm in it, and I win, which I will, you can say, I know the kid that won the Boston Cuervo Games and is going out to Las Vegas. I know, it sounds awesome right?

It's really easy, just go to The Cuervo Games Facebook Page right here and just click the button that says vote.  It's simple and will only take 25 seconds.  I've been entertaining you guys (for the most part) since November, this is just a small favor to pay me back. 

Now I realize you have to add an app to vote, but its so easy, just click add then vote. Then you wont have to worry about anything.  It's not an annoying intrusive app or anything like that. Thanks guys.  When I win, I'm gonna be so happy, I'm gonna look like this.

Thanks guys! Together, we can accomplish anything, or at least win this competition.  Keep in mind, I only have 86 followers so it's going to take more than you guys to win it.  Tell all your friends about it and I'll take you guys all to Las Vegas with me.  Hookers for everyone!

Holy Shit! Shoot it!

So this weekend I was down in Pittsburgh visiting my cousins.  They rent this huge 400 acre place with a pond and cabins and all this crazy ass hooplah.  We decided we wanted to do some night fishing so we thought we'd get a tiki torch to light up the area next to the pond.  I walk into the barn to find a torch and as soon as I open the door, a bat is flying straight at my face.  He hooks a quick left and just starts doing laps around the barn.  So effin scary.  I had no clue what to do so of course I screamed and ran away. 

We thought to ourselves, hey, we've got a bat in the barn and an airsoft gun, and so a great idea was born.  I'd love to tell you what happened, but I'd rather just show you.  Here is the video of our attempt at killing a bat taken on Derek's iPhone. 



It seemed like a good idea at the time. Fuckin vampires.

Seriously Guy?

So the other day I was driving to a pond to go fishing, like I am nearly every day.  I was driving through some neighborhood and I saw something that caught me by surprise.  I saw a lemonade stand.  Now usually, a lemonade stand is a pretty regular sighting.  Hot day, cold lemonade, side of the road, its a good business...when it's run by children.  This one, on the other hand, was run by a man in his late 60s.

Yup. A 60 year old man running his own lemonade stand on the side of the road.  I mean, I know the economy is tough right now, but this is a bit of a stretch.  This has to be a joke right?   Where's Ashton?  The best part about it was that I think he might have actually thought he was a 10 year old.  He was sitting at a plastic Playskool table and a tiny little orange chair.

Either way, what the hell is this guy doing.  Doesn't matter what kind of furniture he's using, he's still a 60 year old man trying to sell lemonade.  The only reason anyone ever actually buys lemonade is because they think its cute that the kids are doing it and want to help out.  (By the way, I've never actually seen anyone buying lemonade from any stand before, have you?)  All I know is this guy needs to figure his shit out and realize that that business model is fo sho gonna fail... unless...


...Nope. I can't come up with a single way in which that guys gonna make any money.  To be honest, if he thought this was a good idea, I'm sure he's used to his businesses failing so I don't feel so bad for him.

Walmart Attracts Winners!

I was at Walmart the other day picking up some stuff for a grad party I was headed to.  I went up to the cashier and like lots of cashiers these days, she had plastic gloves on.  Normally, I wouldn't really take any notice of this because there are lots of germaphobes out there, especially in people who touch money all day.  And ESPECIALLY in people who touch money all day being spent by the type of people who shop at Walmart.  Anyway, as I was waiting in line, this woman took germaphobia to the next level. 

With her plastic gloves still on mind you, she took a bottle of Curel and squirted some hand sanitizer on her gloves.  WHAT!? Really?  How can you justify that?  It's fucking hand sanitizer, not glove sanitizer.  Unless these are like her personal pair of gloves that she wears every day and sanitizes instead of washes them, this just doesnt make sense.  Even if they are her gloves, it still doesn't make sense so frank that!

More importantly, doesn't hand sanitizer have to get absorbed by the skin and like dry off that way?  If so then her gloves must be completely slimy all day urrday.  Gross.

Truly, the only way to explain this is that she never takes these gloves off.  Only if she eats with them on, showers with them on and "gets to know herself" with them on, it just can't make sense to sanitize sanitary gloves.  God I love people! It's amazing how many people you run into that are just fuckin idiots. It's not as shocking when you're in Walmart tho, rather it's almost expected.

See You Next Tuesday

I wrote this a few weeks ago, and in case you couldn't tell, i wrote it the night it happened at 4 AM.

Wow.  So tonight, a girl that my friend likes was visiting and so being a good friend that I am, I agreed to go out with him and hang out with this girls friends.  You know, wing man it up.  This girl mentioned that these weren't her best friends, nor were they her hot friends, so I showed up totally expecting to meet a couple bridge trolls and be on my way.

Instead, we show up and find two of the 4 of them are smoke shows.  So me and my other friend are fuckin sittin pretty, riding this wave of good fortune.  We get to the bar, walk to the dance floor, and me being the outgoing, studly, masculine, sexual, ferocious, bodacious guy that I am, I walk onto the dance floor expecting these girls to be a good time.

I've never been so wrong in my life. EVER.  I swear!  That includes the time I said, "There's no way Elton John is gay!"  I still swear, I was still more wrong about these girls being fun.  For the first 20 minutes of the night, they stood in the middle of the dance floor, huddled up like a bunch of CBags calling their next 3rd down play, not speaking to anyone or even daring to make eye contact with anyone outside of the huddle. It was mind boggling.  Like get the fuck out of the way so fun people can actually have some room to work. 

To top it all off, we ended up back at the Castle of C**** at the end of the night before they actually arrived.   (Since they were hot bitches, they of course were off finding a Home Depot full of Tool Bags to hang out with)  So as my friend's "friends" showed up at the house, one of the girls, known as Slammer, tried to introduce us to the two guys that came with them.  Now, keep in mind, we had been with this girl for the past 3 hours.  I asked her to introduce us by name, and she simply declined.  Highlight of the night was calling out this fucking idiot for not even knowing my name, and pretty much proving everything I've said here so far.  But to be honest, it still sucked.  I can't even get the slam pig of the group to remember my name, not a good sign.

Bottom line, I spent time tonight with the absolute worst group of girls in the world.  They're not fun, or cool, or interesting, but they're good looking and they're going to get the attention of the rest of the world.   90% of the people that encounter them, will realize exactly how miserable they are.  The other 10% are just fucking iziots.  Eat it.