Come On 2!

These aren't as funny as I thought they'd be! Lets go! Wake up!

Caption Contest Below: Lets Go!

Don't forget, the top four funniest captions for the picture below will be voted on and the winner will take how 10 buckaroonis.  We've got a couple good ones so far but nothing mind blowing or orgasm inducing or both.

Seriously Guy?

So, I was at a gas station the other day, when I encountered this guy and just had to snap a photo of him.  Quick recap, guy who owns a white and black crotch rocket, wearing a black and white leather one piece body suit.

Awesome.

I don't really know what else to say.  It kind of speaks for itself.  The fact that he thinks this was even remotely close to a good idea to purchase that is mind boggling.  What is the thinking process that goes into a purchase like that?

"Hmm...How can I look like a huge Dbag but still make sure everywhere I go, people know I ride a motorcycle.  Oh I know! I'll buy a form fitting one piece leather suit that matches my motorcycle perfectly.  Oh, then I'll by white boots!"

Poll #18

The results are in and it's official, women are the worst drivers.  Boom!  I've been saying this since I got my drivers permit 9 years ago and I finally have proof.  It is true though and you all know it.  You speed for no reason, you brake for no reason, you change lanes for no reason, you leave your blinker on, you put your make up on while discussing Grey's Anatomy on your cell.  To be honest, almost all of these are qualities of any bad driver, apparently women just do all of them more often, or even all at once.

The thing that pissed me off about this poll was people actually voting for babies.  What the hell are you guys doing?   Clearly babies are the worst drivers out of that group.  The point of that option was to prove just how bad the winning group was, that we considered them worse than babies.  But you idiots had to go and waste 7 votes on babies.

Best thing about this poll? 45 votes! That's the most ever! Apparently I need to just stereotype and make fun of different demographics, races, or genders and I'll get votes.  Good to know.

Make sure you vote in this week's poll.

Quickie: Worst Marketing Ever?

I saw a commercial today for some jewelery/bead shop today.  They had their annual sale of Buy 1 Bead, Get 1 Bead Free.  Seems like a decent deal.  Then they followed it up with this enigma. "If you really love beads, then we've got a special deal for you.  Buy 2 Beads, Get 1 Bead Free."  Am I missing something here or did that "special deal" just get 50% worse than the first deal?  Maybe it's just me but if I wanted to buy 3, I'd probably buy 1 and get a free one, then buy another 1 and get a free one.  Then I'd sell my extra bead to a homeless bead collector and make a solid profit.  That's just me tho.  Maybe they're customers are redarted.  (yup, mixed up the t and the d, boom)

We Win. You Don't.

So this past weekend, my friends and I competed in the Beer Olympics.  My team consisted of Me, Ryan Pierce, Evan Olesh, Parker Knox, and Lauren Corcoran.  There were 9 teams competed across 6 events.  In those 6 events, my team finished 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 1st, and 2nd.  Now, I know what you're thinking.  "Adam, you said 6 events but there are only 5 results there."  Good work! That's very astute of you.  The reason there is only 5 event results is because our team was winning by so much that they didn't even bother with the 6th event.  That's right.  They just said, "Here's your fucking trophy, get out."   Maybe not that mean, but no one seemed to be happy about us winning.  Maybe because we dominated, maybe because we hounded every ref and judge to make sure it was fair, maybe because we had been drinking for 12 hours and were obnoxiously drunk.  Who knows!

Here are some of the highlights from the BOs

• Some guy with long hair (I know, right?) tried to fight me for dancing during beruit.
• We played Ninja Rap by Vanilla Ice and the TMNT TV theme song about 25 times. (No one was very happy about that.)
• There was someone there named Luigi.
• Roberta (Anyone know her last name?)
• Some guy almost went face first into a fire during dizzy bat. 

Bottom Line: If you're going to host the beer olympics, just get ready for my team to show up, shit on the competition, and wipe with your hair.  Nuffsed.  (new word?)

Time to Vote: Donut Style

So, just as I always do when my friends are doing something worth mentioning or need some international exposure, I'm gonna make a little announcement.  My friends Kim and Rachel have recently decided to put their little creative minds to work and enter the "Create the Next Donut" sweepstakes for Dunkin Donuts.  Somehow by the grace of Allah, they were chosen to be one of the 12 finalists.  The voting opened up yesterday and they are currently tied for second.   

It's time for the WHAT readers to make a difference and get your vote on.  You can vote every day at This Website until May 3rd.  Make sure you vote for "Monkey See Monkey Donut" by Rachel D. from Sharon, MA.  If they win you will be seeing their delicious, Banana Cream Filled, Chocolate Covered, Peanut Butter Sprinkled  donuts across the nation.  Oh, and they'll win $12,000.  I think it's a pretty nice thing to do so get busy.  If they win, I'll personally buy each and every one of my followers one of their donuts.  BOOM.

Don't let any of those friggin idiots steal their thunder.  We're representing South Shore Mass and Umass Amherst right now so wake up.  As Fred The Baker (fellow Armenian) would say, It's Time to Make the Fuckin Donuts.

And for your entertainment, since this wasn't that funny, a joke: courtesy of one of my friends.

What are Mario's favorite pants?
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Denim Denim Denim!!! (say it outloud and fast)

Oh that wasn't funny? Suck it!

I am the Man...Even More!

I am The Man!So a while back I wrote a post about just absolutely annihilating (holy shit, just spelled that in one try!) a punching machine arcade game at Buffalo Wild Wings.  In the post I am the Man, I bragged about putting up a solid 704 and talking about how I'd punch your face off of your face.  Well, according to this latest photo in which my high score is 727, it's official - I could punch your face off of your face and through the face of the person standing next to you.

This again is based off the idea that you're not moving at all and I have 30 seconds to work on my footwork and my aim.  So here's my word of advice. Don't fuck with me if you move ultra ultra ultra slow and literally have no reflexes whatsoever.  BOOM.

This Move Is Unbeatable

So, every night I go out, guys come up to me and say, "Hey, Beefcake, how do you get all of the girls in the bar to fall in love with you? What's your secret move?"  I shake my head and say, "It's so simple. Just rub your ass on them."

Boom! There it is.  Its simple, perfect, mature, sophisticated and funny.  You're standing at a bar and a girl is about to walk by.   What do you do?  You back your ass into her and dance a little.  One of 3 outcomes will always happen.

1. They start dancing with you or smacking your ass. AWESOME. If this happens, you keep dancing and then sex them. 
2. They laugh.  If this happens, you turn around and say, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry.  I didn't see you there, he's got a mind of his own."  Something of that sort.  They will laugh, then you sex them. 
3. They give you a disgusted look and walk away.  If this happens, you yell at them for being bitches.  They will turn around and say "Wow. No man has ever spoken to me like that before. Make love to me!"  Then you sex them.

See? Its a fool proof system.  So, now take this advice, and get your ass rub on.  It should look something like this.

Announcement: Scavenger Hunt Mother Truckers!!

So, I just wanted to let all my peeps know that this Friday, I am hosting a big scavenger hunt up here in Amherst, MA, to be followed by a mother truckin rager.  This is an open invitation to any of my readers here in Amherst, or anywhere in the world! Ya that's right.  I'm takin this shit global.  We've got a cash prize on the line over $100, so do the right thing.

It's gonna be just silly wit it, so I suggest your get your Scavenger Hunting Ass up here, put on your Scavenger Hunting Hat, and get your Scavenger Hunt on.  This is also a fundraiser for the Graduate Business Association, so not only can you win some money and get drunk, but you can also feel good about yourself for doing the right thing.  Raising money for the GBA is pretty much on the same level as voting for Obama, so lets do something great!

Finally, if you don't do the scavenger hunt, I will be personally emailing you a punch in the face, courtesy of yours truly (me).  That is all for now, good day, and great snacks.  See you friday.

Email me at WHATblogspot@gmail.com if you're interested or want more details on it.

Showering: Apparently Some People Think Its Evil

So I was at a bar the other night and I witnessed something absolutely amazing.  There was a kid there who, apparently, has somehow gone his entire life without showering once.  It really is mind boggling.  How can a person go without showering for so long that his stench dominates an entire room?  Even more mind boggling, how can he have friends?

Like seriously? Its friggin unbelievably! Now I know I've written about horrifying body odor before but I just had to get it out there again.  This is more of a plea to Stinky McStinkerstein's friends than it is to the actually Stinkifier.  It's literally impossible to stand within 15 feet of this kid without being given the body odor's version of the Razors Edge.  Hey Chico, you smell!

I'm not even really sure what's more embarrassing.  That you smell so bad that there are literally green squiggly lines coming from your body or being friends with that person.  If you're friend just absolutely wreaks and is ruining the night for an entire bar, it's your duty and responsibility to say something to him.

The problem with this whole situation is that it's not an easy situation to rectify.  You can't just say, "Hey, Captain Sewage, go shower."  Because that won't fix the problem.  Since he's gone his whole life without showering, it's safe to say that his clothes are just as putrid as his body at this point.  This kid not only needs to take a shower and a tomato bath, but he must also do a complete overhaul of his entire wardrobe.  Either burn all of his clothes and buy new ones, or wash all of his clothes at least 3 times each.

Bottom Line: Stop Smelling, Start Showering.  Or as I like to call it, you need to do a 4S. (Get it, Stop Smelling, Start Showering. Boom!)

But Its Sunny!

So the other day I was driving back to my car.  It was a nice, warm, beautiful sunny day.  And walking right in front of my car, crossing the street, was a girl with a huge umbrella that she was holding like 5 inches from her head... Okay? And the questions begin!

Does she know something I don't about the weather?
Did she just have lasik? (She was wearing glasses so probably not unless the doctor sucked)
Does she get sun burned easily? (She's black)
Am I retarded and its actually raining?
Is she Chicken Little?
Is she Stuart Little? (Not sure how that explains anything)
Is she actually a Jewish guy and its just a huge yarmulke?

I seriously just could not figure out what was going on.  If any of you have any sort of explanation I'd love to hear it.  Over and Out.

New Triangle Head Donation Update

9.99 MFDH from Kelly Harris.  Whoop woop! Thats what I'm talking about. $80 more to go.

Poll #17

Wow! I am getting fucking good at this! Thats two in a row that were decided by one vote! This one was pretty rough but I was actually surprised it was this close.  I mean ya, if they don't wash their clothes, they will most likely start to smell eventually, but at least for me, most girls smell good and then in turn so do their clothes.  Guys on the other hand, we smell, so ya our clothes will smell after a while.  Especially since we usually wear the same clothes all the time but girls won't repeat pants or shirts for at least a month.

On the other hand, we've got showering once a month.  Gross! Come on.  Are you kidding me.  Can you imagine what your hair or fingernails or skin would look like?  You'd look like the Pigeon Woman from Home Alone 2, except with more bird poo on u.

Now that I think about it, I really can't believe 17 people voted for having their bf/gf only shower once a month.  Wat the gross is wrong with you?

Make sure you vote in the new poll.  Only 35 votes last week.  We can do better.

I Need One! NOW!

So I was watching "How I Met Your Mother" a couple weeks ago and you know what they had on the show?  A tea cup pig.  And you know what I decided I needed?  If you guessed a tea cup pig, you'd be exactly right.

I mean look at this thing!

Now granted, I don't want to be that guy (although he does have a great head of hair) but still, I need that pig.  Just look at how happy that guy is!  "Hello sir, are you happy?"  "Yes! Yes I am!"  That's how a conversation would go with him if somehow I met him while he was having this picture taken.  I can't remember the last time I was that happy.  (Excluding last night when I got a free slice of Chicken, Bacon, Ranch pizza.)  But seriously, something needs to be done, and it needs to be done soon.

Can you imagine me and little Parsley running around, going to class together, boycotting breakfast meats! (I'm not married to that name so if you've got any suggestions I'd love to hear them.)  It would be better than beating Charlie Daniels in a fiddle contest and winning the Golden Fiddle he won from the devil.  So heres the plan:

One of my followers will give me a pig.  Then I will have it.  The end.  Get started on the plan now!

Here's one more pic to really convince you.

Poll Update

Don't forget to vote.  I don't want a frankin tie.

Shmave Shmerschner, Inventor and Businessman

Up here in Amherst, I have a friend who I will call Shmave Shmerschner.  He often comes up with brilliant business plans or inventions.  For example, he once told me about a new composite metal that is like steel but weighed less.  He told me he wanted to use it to make prosthetic limbs lighter.  Keep in mind, prosthetic limbs are already very light due to being made with plastic. 

A couple days later, he mentioned to me about how the lobster industry in his home state of Maine is way too competitive.  He then told me that he had come up with a business plan and slogan to combat that. "Maine, We've got crabs too."  Now, mind you, upon being asked, "Does Maine actually have crabs you could sell?"  Shmave responded, "Not yet."  Hmmm... well maybe we can put in an order to God and get a shipment of crabs to Maine's coastline.

Then tonight, he dropped the next bomb of business genius on me.  He walked into the house and saw my Rubik's Cube sitting on the table.  He said, "You know I came up with this product..." Then decided to stop and walk away.  I was intrigued so I said, "No, what?"  He returned and said, "It's a product for adults called the "Pubik's Cube."  And we're already off to a great start!

I asked him what that would consist of, and he said, "It would be a Rubik's Cube but instead of colors on the side, they would be pictures of different types of pubic hair. Like curly and...."  This is where Shmave's idea lost any speck of marketability it had.  This also, apparently, was the moment that Shmave learned that there's only one type of pube.  The short and curly.

I'll keep you guys posted on any more inventions Shmave throws my way. 

P.S. I won't give you any of Shmave's inventions that even sound barely realistic since I plan on stealing them.

Weed, Burritos, and Fizzy Fraggles

So a few weeks ago, I decided to go to my favorite burrito place, Bueno y Sano.  As I was walking up to the restaurant, a man walked up to me and asked if I was selling nuggets.  I said, "Do I look like McDonalds?"  Nah, I didn't say that, but not being a weed man myself, I was thoroughly confused.  A few seconds later I figured it out and said no.  THEN, this idiot decides to ask if I had change!  I wondered to myself, if I had been selling weed, would he have still asked me for change and then used that to buy the weed?  Like seriously? Why are you asking for weed if you dont have money OR why are you asking for change if you have money for weed?  Two good questions that I wish I had asked.

Anyway, I informed him that I just used my change to pay for parking.  I assumed the conversation would end there.  I was wrong of course.  He proceeded to ask me how much parking was?! Why would he ever need to know that.  Clearly he doesn't own a car.  I didn't want to get into the whole system of 5 minutes for a nickel, 10 for a  dime, 30 for a quarter, so I just said 50 cents.  He said, "Oh weird.  You know you don't have to pay since its after 6 pm."  I said "Oh, okay next time."  Then I turned and walked away.  I decided not to inform him that you had to pay for parking until 8:30 and it was only 5:15.

So finally, I get into line at Bueno and what do you know, the guy in front of me has no shoes on.  Okay... cuz this 40 degree weather is just perfect for barefoot excursions.  Like really? I wondered whether he walked here like this or whether he feels so comfortable here that he just takes off his shoes.  It doesn't really matter.  Moving on, I'm watching them make each and every burrito very intently, because I like mine a specific way and what do you know, they screwed mine up.  I told them they forgot my guacamole.  Come on! I need my guac.  So they give me a cup of it on the side.  Awesome.  What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?

I decided to send out a mass text and see what my friends came up with for suggestions to the situation.  For the most part, I got 2 responses - dip it in sideways or spread it on top after every bite.  I did get one overly entertaining and extremely useless response from my cousin, Shmerek.  And it went like this:


"Rummage through the trash and you'll see a fraggle.  Take the fraggle and squish him until he squirts. Take the fraggle juice and listen to it. If it is fizzing, immediately pull your pants down and lather your ass. If the fraggle jjuice is not fizzy, proceed to step 3. Take the nonfizzy fraggle juice and  pour it on your burrito. It will smell horrible. Your burrito will now be sturdy enough to dip in the guac.  Eat digest and poop."

Awesome, thanks cousin.

You Won't Let Me Leave?

A while back, I went to a bar in Boston called the Liquor Store.  That night we got pretty wasted and of course I had to use the bathroom at the bar.  So I walk in, spot a urinal and go to town on that bad boy.  This was a solid pee.  You know, the kind that sends a shiver up your spine when you're done. Anyway, I finish up, zip up my pants and turn to walk out the door.

I'm half way out the door when this hand lands on my shoulder and jerks me back.  It was the bathroom attendant, who then started yelling at me.  "Hey man! You can't just make a mess like this and leave!"  I didn't know what he was talking about.  I was like "Woah, what are you talking about?  I didn't do anything!"  So he's like, "Come on man! Look at the floor, there's piss everywhere."  To which I reply, "Nah, that wasn't me!"

So the guy says back to me, "Really? Look at your shoes."  Before I even look down, I know I'm screwed.  I peer down at my shoes and of course they're soaking wet in what I can only assume is my own urine.  So it turns out this guy was right.  Instead of taking an amazing piss into a urinal, I took an amazing piss all over my nicest pair of shoes, (which I still wear.)  

I figured, I wanted to make up for the trouble I caused him, so I tossed the guy a dollar in the tip jar and told him if it was still a mess at the end of the night, I'd clean it up.  I didn't.  Boom!

I Think He's Hitting On Me

This story actually took place about 2 months ago and I've just been putting off writing it for some reason.  I dunno why but I'm mad because now I can't remember every detail.  Stupid iziot!

Anyway, so we were out at the Monkey Bar, where it seems a lot of my stories originate.  So we headed to the back to the dance floor and since everyone was still obsessing over the Jersey Shore, I decided to beat up the beat.  You know how it goes.  So I started the fist pumps down low like any guy knows to, worked it up to waist level, and then went full blast, double fist pump action.  I felt like I was beating the shit out of Shaq.  (Shaquille O'Neil - he's a 7 foot basketball player in the NBA (National Basketball Association))

Next thing I know, this random ass dudester comes up to me and goes, "That's not how you fist pump! This is!"  He proceeds to beat up the beat like a little pussy ass chump.  I stepped in to set the record straight and went to school on that idiot.  I was practically triple fist pumping.  Me and my friends all had a good laugh and tried to start a dance circle like always.  But then it got a little weird.  That same iziot came up to me and was like, "I bet you can't do this!"

Right then I should have known it was getting out of hand.  This kid turns around, slaps the floor and starts backing his ass into me.  Woah! Okay... I should definitely just walk away because that was weird.  Did I do that?  Of course not.  I proceeded to slap the floor and do exactly what he did.  Then it just turned into some ridiculous dance circle dance battle.  I felt like Omarion. 

I kept up for a few moves, throwin out the classics, burnin up the dance floor.  But then it got corny.  His friends start pulling out moves like the Shopping Cart and the Lawn Mower.  What do I look like? Some sort of bush league amateur?  I'm here to dance, not entertain.  So I let this Simon Birch Look-a-likes steal the dance circle.

P.S. Not sure if you remember the girl I wrote about in The Best Pick Up Line, who told me she got her shoes at her porn shoot, but either way, I saw this girl at the bar that night.  And decided to tell all of her friends that she claims to be a porn star.  I don't remember this but apparently she tried to fight me.  Me? Of all people.  Come on!

P.P.S I also learned that night that if someone drops a drink on the floor, you should expect to see me moonwalking all over the wet floor for the next 5 minutes.