Dave Thomas, You're A Jerk

So today I decided to stop in at the local Wendy's.  I hadn't been to this particular Wendy's before, which really doesn't matter because they're pretty much all the same, or so I thought.  I ordered some nuggets (best fast food nuggets hands down) and a JBC (Junior Bacon Cheeseburger). 

I ate a couple nuggets and then grabbed the JBC and, as always, I opened up the burger in order to spread out the bacon to ensure that I get an equal amount of bacon with each bite.  I think you all know what I'm talking about.  Who wants one bite that is overwhelmed by bacon followed up by a bite with absolutely no bacon?  No one, that's who.  To be honest, I'm like this with every sandwich.  I make sure there cheese is evenly distributed or the peanut butter or cream cheese is spread perfectly even.  I've gotten a lot of gruff from people in the past about how I am obsessive about it but they just don't understand.

Anyway! I open up the burger and I was fucking shocked.  I was horrified, disgusted, and enraged.  All of these emotions were storming through my body like those little marbles in Crossfire! I'm sitting there, staring at this thing they call a JBC.  I almost threw up. 

One fucking piece of bacon! One piece! For Fucks Sake! What country am I in! Somalia?! (I no nothing about Somalia at all but it sounded like a place where they would do this)  And it wasn't even a long piece of bacon that I could at least fold over in a way to cover as much surface area as possible.  No.  It was a lonely, pathetic, 2 inch pathetic excuse for a piece of bacon. 

Fuck You Dave.

P.S. I found that picture by searching "Junior Bacon Cheeseburger" on google.  The 8th picture that came up in that search was a topless woman.  What?

I Swear I'm Not Unique

So, I know a lot of you are thinking to yourselves, look at this kid, he must be one of a kind.  Well, I'm not.  Yes, I am strange, and I do a lot of odd things and my sense of humor is a bit out there and I'm a little immature, but even considering all that, I know I'm not alone.  In fact, I got proof of this Friday morning when I woke up to a certain text message.

Now, I could have read this text message without reading the name of the sender, and I would have already known exactly who it was, assuming it wasn't me.  As many of you know, several of my past posts have been about/related to/involving poop/bathroom stalls/bathroom etiquette, like  Elbows Deep in Trouble (best post of all time) , He Killed One Bird with Two Stones, Battle of the Silent Poops, and Snow Poop.  Now, it's probably obvious that the reason I bring these up because the text I got was also related to poop.

I responded to this text with "Probably the best text Ive ever woken up to," and it's true, because I feel like I easily could have, and even may have written this exact message in the past.  So without further ado, here is the text I received on Friday morning at 7:27 AM from my cousin Shmerek.  

"Do you think the poop you see in a port-a-potty are a fair representation of the average guy's poop?  I always see the grossest shits ever in here."  

Immediately, I realize that he is actually texting from the port-a-potty. He continues on:

"I just saw one that had corn in it.  Not little kernels of corn.  I'm talking an entire ear of corn.  It looked like the corn had poop in it rather than the other way around."  

Now I know for the most part, you're all in disagreement with me that this isn't hysterical, but that's because you're a bunch of iziots. I am not an iziot, and neither is Shmerek.  In fact, I am essentially the same exact person as Shmerek.  We were both pitchers in college, we went to Tufts together, we have the same sense of humor, we'd rather play video games that talk to you, we both hate everyone and we both hate wet socks.  Now the reason I bring this up is because within the next five years Shmerek will be a millionaire due to the natural gas company he and his brothers started.  That's good news for me because since we're the same person essentially and he's gonna be a millionaire, it means I will be too.

Bottom Line: Poop is funny and I'm gonna be a millionaire.

Greatest Accomplishment of My Life

Let's be honest, I have done some great things in my life.  I solved a Rubiks Cube in 1 minute and 36 seconds.  I won a National Gold Glove senior year of college.  For God's sake, I started this blog!  But today, I topped all of that.  I can honestly say that I have peaked and unfortunately, everything else is down hill from here.  I took myself to the top of the metaphorical Mount Everest of Life and now it's just a slow, sad descent to the bottom.

I know that without a doubt, what I have accomplished today has never been done by 99.99% of the world population.  That means that I am better than 6.6 Billion people.  Think about that.  There are 6.6 Billion people across the world that can never say, I'm better than Adam, unless they're lying of course.

Just let that sink in.  Every time you meet ten thousand people, odds say that you will only meet one person, if at all, that has matched my accomplishment.  Boom, boom, pow.

So, what I'm really saying is that you should be privileged to know me and to be in the vicinity of my greatness.  For I am the only person that you know that has hit a Hole in One on Golden Tee 2K.

I Need to Learn to Windmill

If there's one thing I learned in the 25 great years I've been on this Earth, it's that people that can do the windmill break dance move are respected.  No. Questions. Asked. 

"Oh hey, you're a murderer and you can do the windmill?  You are a great man."  That was a sample conversation taken from a real life situation that I'm sure has happened thousands of time.  I want to be on the receiving end of that compliment.  I want to learn to windmill.  If you don't believe me, look at the way I am staring so attentively at this kid doing the windmill in front of me.  I swear there could have been a naked playboy model running by me being chased by a dinosaur shooting flames out of his eyes and I wouldn't have looked away.

Honestly, here is the list of the most respected people in our country:

1. People that save kittens
2. People that design new ways to enjoy buffalo chicken
3. People who know how to do the windmill.
4. The Dos Equis Guy

That's it.  I want to be on that list.  But I'm gonna be honest, I'm not the kind of guy that just does something and that's that.  I do something and then I make it better.  I won't just do the windmill cuz wind is for pussies.  I'm gonna do the firemill.

How do you do the firemill, Adam?  Thanks for asking.

Step 1.  Dip shoes in lighter fluid.
Step 2.  Light them on fire.
Step 3.  Do the firemill.
Step 4.  Blow people's fucking minds!

Easy as 1,2,3,4.

See you on the dance floor.

PS Here is the windmill in case you didn't know.

People Are Weird

So today while I was at school I saw two things that were very strange.  They were things that you would think a normal person at a normal university would not do.  Just like common sense things to avoid unless you are trying to announce to the world that you are truly out of touch with reality and have no plans of ever dating a girl.

First, I saw a kid sitting in Isenberg the other day wearing the following outfit.

• Khaki pants
• Brown belt
• Black shoes
• White socks
• Ugly ass short sleeve button down BUTTONED ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.

Are you kidding me?!  How can you go through 19 years of your life and not realize that that sort of attire is so far from socially acceptable its not even fathomable.  For God sake's man, pull yourself together.  You might as well throw on a bow tie and suspenders at this point.  I just can't understand how you don't look around and think to yourself, Hmm, I've never seen any popular or good looking person ever dress like me before.   I should've flicked a boogie at him and taught him a lesson.

Second, I saw a kid riding a bike through campus from inside my class room.  As he prepared to pass a group of students, he did something that absolutely blew my mind.  He didn't yell, "On the left."  Nor did he just swerve onto the grass.  No, no that would be too normal and not embarrassing.  Instead, in order to announce his presence, he rang his bell.  I'm just gonna let that sink in for a moment.

He rang his fucking bell!!!!!!!! What the slip slop is that?!  I didn't realize it was a 7 year old girl stuck in an 18 year olds body.  I'm surprised he didn't have a basket full of daisies and training wheels on that God damn hunk of embarrassing metal.  Now, I don't know exactly where he was headed. But I'm assuming it was one of the following 5 places:

• His girl scouts meeting
• His babysitter's house
• PeeWee Football Cheerleading tryouts
• Ticket box to purchase Miley Cyrus concert tickets
• Anywhere where he could shoot himself.

I was hoping for the last one but I'm pretty sure it was number 3.

Lesson to be learned?  Don't be dumb.

Calm Down TV Show!

As we all know, summer TV shows are usually the worst.  The acting is terrible, the writing is pathetic and the plots are more absurd than the fact that I thought I was actually going to get some work done today.  I think the problem with some of these shows is that they feel like they have to hook you in the first episode or else you'll be lost to the constant summer re-runs of shows you actually like.

There was one show that I watched this summer that took this concept to the next level.  It was a two hour pilot for a show called, "The Bridge."  It is about a particular police precinct that apparently is fucking out of control and here is everything that happened in the show.

Two different policemen committed suicide.
One policeman killed his wife during an argument.
A drug dealer was accidentally killed.
A police officer had to have a leg amputated.
Another police officer was on the verge of suicide.
One cop randomly went from normal cop to union president. (He wasn't even a union representative yet)
Three corrupt cops were discovered and arrested.
This police precinct went on strike.
A woman in her 80s purposely ran over 2 homeless men.

Are you kidding me? Seriously?  I could not believe it.  I literally sat there and on four separate occasions, turned to my dad and said, "Could anything else possibly happen in this episode."  Yes.  Yes it can.

Guitar Hero Orlando Championships

So two weekends ago I was down in Orlando for my cousins wedding.  For the most part, we had the day time to do what ever we wanted so we checked in with the hotel to see what they were putting on for events.  Boom! 2 PM Saturday, Guitar Hero competition.  For anyone who knows me or my cousin Derek, you know we spent a good portion of our time at Tufts playing Guitar Hero and just melting peoples faces with ill shredding.  So naturally, we were in!

So we checked on the location of the event and it says, "Camp Omni."  Omni = the resort we were at. Camp = a sign that we were going to be competing against 10 year olds.  Fuck 'em. They're in for a beating.

We get to camp Omni right around 2 PM and say, we're here for the Guitar Hero, where is it?! They said right this way!  So we walk in and just dominate.  It ended up being me and Derek in the finals and I, unfortunately, got ruined by my cousin, which I whole heartedly expected.  Derek walked out of Camp Omni with the grand prize of a 2 inch rubber fish that squirts water.  That's right bitches! A rubber fish!

Unfortunately, this whole ordeal wasn't nearly as glorious as I have made it seem.  I have, in fact, left out a few details.  Actually, just one detail.  It was only me and Derek in the competition.  That's right... two 25 year olds who spent the night before at a casino for a bachelor party were the only people to show up to a kids guitar hero contest.

I came in last place...

We're Back and We're So Close

Well I'm back.  Back to Amherst.  Back to Blogging.  Back to Life.  Back to Reality.  It's been ten and a half months since I started this blog and recently I've taken some time to myself but you better believe I'm gonna come back strong.  Gonna get some good stories goin this year and I know you're going to read them.  Where you will be reading them from, I'm not sure yet but I know where you've read them from in the past and I'm gonna fill you in on that.

Since I started the blog back on that fateful November 6, 2009 WHAT has been read in 48 states and 60 countries.  Yes that is right, 60 countries! Here's where WHAT has been read.

North America: USA, Canada, Aruba, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic, Jamaica, Mexico
South America: Brazil, Argentina, Venezuela, Peru 
Europe: UK, Spain, France, Germany, Greece, Switzerland, Denmark, Austria, Poland, Czech Republic, Sweden, Netherlands, Macedonia, Norway, Belgium, Italy, Finland, Croatia, Slovakia, Portugal, Slovenia, Bulgaria, Hungary, Aland Islands, Lithuania, Ireland, Ukraine, Estonia, Luxemberg, Romania
Asia: ARMENIA, Russia, India, Japan, Indonesia, Malaysia, Israel, Singapore, Philipines, Turkey, Kuwait, Taiwan, Qatar, Vietnam, United Arab Emirates,
Africa: Egypt, South Africa, Kenya
Australia: Australia

That's absurd right?  What the hell is going on out in Eastern Europe, they're eating this shit up.

As for the United States, I need Alaska and Montana.  For the love of God can someone just fly to one of these states and look at my blog please?  I've needed these two for like 5 months.  Let's get after it.

So, we know WHAT is a world wide phenomenon and we're gonna keep it going this year.

Finally, for those of you who are new to WHAT, you should become a follower today because it's the nice thing to do and I'll give you a dollar if you do it.  Just click on the button "Follow" to the left and sign in using your google, yahoo, or aim username.  Ok?! OK!  Lata

PS I'll be posting Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for now.

I know, I know

As you may have noticed, I haven't posted every Monday and Friday like I promised the past few weeks.  Well, suck it.  I'm busy.  Gimme another week to get settled into school then I'll get after it ok?  ByE!