Halloween 1, Adam 0

Fuckin shit balls, Halloween beat me again. God damnit!!!!!!!!

I went out last night for Halloween and just absolutely crushed it with my midget costume.

 Honestly, crushed it doesn't even do it justice. I had people coming up to me to shake my hands, touching my feet, taking my picture, it was absurd.  I've never seen a costume go over so well.  But as we all know, being amazing comes with a price and my shins are paying it right now.  When I eventually got home, which I'll tell you about in a second, my right shin was bleeding and theyre both killing me right now.

As I was saying, I killed it at the bar. Jello shots left and right, dancing up a storm.  Somehow I even got in the middle of a dance circle during Party Rock Anthem and started shuffling in on my trash cans. CRUSHED IT.

Now, last time I went out with these guys, as you know from a few posts ago, everyone left without me, I got lost and it was awful.  Here's the convo I had with my friend to make sure that didn't happen again. 

Me (10:24pm): Don't leave without me.
Shmatrick (12:24am): Leaving without you.
Shmatrick (1:01am): Ye, officially on your own.
Me (1:02am): I think I'm dead.

Classic.

So anyway, as you now know, I was on my own for getting home.  It did not go well.  I got into a cab, told the guy my address and we were off! As we arrive at the destination (according to him) I realize he has taken me to Columbine St and not South Columbine St. Awesome, turns out they are no where near each other.  For some reason, I still paid the guy the $15 dollars we agreed on and I got out and walked/ran home.

Unfortunately, it was a 2 mile trip for me and amazingly, it took me around 1 mile to realize that I lost one of my shoes earlier in the night.  I'm guessing when I decided to discard my trash can legs, one of my shoes went with it. No fucking idea how I didn't notice until now but I didn't. Awesome, $90 Nikes? See ya shoe.

So yah, I walked/ran 2 miles home with 1 shoe on.  Here is the resulting sock:

Then to top it all off, I woke up naked in my bed. Good times. See you next year Halloween.

Well That Was Quick (That's What She Said. Boom!)

So today, I decided to run out to Starbuck's real quick and grab a coffee.  First things first, I got a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Amazing. Ah-ma-zing. So that's fun.

Anyway, while I'm out at the Bucks, I decide to text one of my fellow coworkers and see if anyone in the office wanted anything.  It turns out, I accidentally sent the text to her email address instead of her phone.  So when that happens, apparently it comes from an account I set up a long time ago through Verizon.  

No big deal, right? I thought so, but apparently I thought wrong.  I didn't realize what the account was until I got back to the office and as soon as I walked in, the four girls at the office all yelled, "Hey! Tdogg! Tdizzle! What up Tdogg!!!" 

Shit. Apparently the account I made up was Tdogg@vzw.com or something stupid like that. So less than two weeks into my job and I've already reverted back to my middle school nick name of Tdogg/Tdizzle. Im hoping this doesn't stick but I think it will.  Claudia started just under a year ago, her license plate was Claudster for like two weeks, and she's the Claudster to everyone in the office.  Sweet.

Stupid verizon!

Hmm... It Sounds Legit But...

So the other day, I was at a meeting at our client's office and they have a tv that is always on CNN.  I happened to glance over it and I see a headline on the ticker that catches my eye.

"Surfer survives near shark attack in Oregon."

And at first I think, oh snap! A shark attack! But wait...nope, it was a near shark attack. What the hell? Why are you telling me this?  What the hell is a near shark attack?  I assume its just when a shark swims by a person.  Amazing right?

And the confusing part wasn't that they were reporting about a near shark attack, but that the main story was that the surfer survived. He survived! A near shark attack! Who the fuck hasn't survived a near shark attack?
For all I know, I've survived 100 near shark attacks and I've never been on CNN.  This is bull shit!! I have also survived a near car accident and a near choking incident (it went down the wrong way).  Why the hell aren't I famous?!

Here is a list of other amazing stories that I bet CNN has run on their bottom ticker.

"Man survives near shooting."
"Bank teller survives near bank robbery."
"Snowboard survives near avalanche."

F that S! Anyone can survive a near anything.  All you have to do is be in a situation where something might happen, and then not have it happen, and boom! SURVIVER!

That's all for now.  See you next time.  Unless I don't survive a near earthquake this week.

New City, Same Blackouts

Wow. I can honestly say that I am both shocked and amazed that I woke up in my bed this morning.  What's not shocking or amazing is that fact that my mouth tastes like the dark side of a homeless guy's adult diaper.

So last night, I went to a concert.  The band was called Super Diamond and they're a Neil Diamond cover band.  They were amazing! Based off my knowledge of 2 or 3 Neil Diamond songs, these guys fucking nailed it.  Either way, the concert was absurd, I was dancing all over the place, drinking RBVs left and right, I was good to go. (Early P.S. RBV stands for Red Bull Vodka. For a second just now I thought I made that up and I was so fucking excited. turns out its been on Urban Dictionary since 2004.)

Anyway, the whole night was amazing, until after the concert that is...or at least what I'm perceiving as after the concert.  Leading up to the show, I was having an absolute blast, I was even recorded dancing to my favorite song ever.

SIDENOTE: As many of you know, I have been working very hard to master a dance move done by the robot head guy from the Party Rock Anthem video.  It's the move done at 5:33



Well I absolutely crushed this move in the video, along with a pretty sick moon walk if I may say so myself.  Here's a link to the video so you can judge for yourself.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=537090161882

Anyway, it was all fun and games until everything that I drank kicked in and I stopped remembering things. That happened right around quarter after Blurry O'clock.  So, there I am, having a blast at this concert, singing, dancing, awesomeing (new word, it's gonna be a thing), next thing I know, I'm stranded in the middle of no where.  No friends. No i-

OMG. Literally, while writing this I just remembered another bar that I went to after the concert. How amazing is that? I don't remember where I was, who I was with, when I got there or any details, but I do remember another bar. Fuckin memories, who knows when they're gonna show up.

Back to my blackout. After this surprise bar that just showed up in my head, I still ended up with no friends, no idea where I was, and no clue how to get home. About 2 minutes into being lost, my phone died so I couldn't call for a cab or text someone for directions or google map as i usually do to figure out where I am. Instead, I was just left out in the wilderness, up in the rocky mountains, to fend for myself against mountain lions, gorillas, and komodo dragons.

Turns out, Denver is nothing like NYC, which is awesome most of the time. It doesn't smell like a bumbs mouth.. You're not hated by every person everywhere no matter what.  And there are barely any cabs.  Or at least there weren't on whatever street I ended up on.  According to my black out clock, I walked up and down these random streets for about 70-80 hours before I finally got a cab to stop for me.  Turns out the cab driver was a great guy, as I recall we had a great convo on the way home, he didn't rob me, I didn't rob him. It was a great experience overall.

And now the for the best part about living in Denver. NFL games start at 11 AM. What what in the butt. Peace!

Oh...We're Back! And We've Got Surprises!

Yes! Thats right mother flipflops! What Happened to Adam Today is back and we're coming back with a bang! As many of you know, I recently landed my first job which I am starting on Friday.  Now, considering that I shut down my blog in order to make myself look better during my job search, it only makes sense that I start it back up now that I have a real job! Okay, so enough of this bullshit! Let's get down to business and to the real reason why you're all here...WHAT HAPPENED TO ADAM TODAY!

So, I'm moving to Denver and I decided to drive across the country to get there.  I picked up my cousin Shmerek on the way down in Pittsburgh and for those of you who don't know, Shmerek is as ridiculous, if not more ridiculous than me, so this road trip is just gonna be absurd. 

Our first stop on the trip was in Chicago, which is where I'm writing this story from right now.  We decided to go out and headed to the only place where guys in a new city go...Hooters.  We had a great time and saw a boob or two.  After they closed we got some advice and headed off to a couple suggested bars.  We ended up at some Irish bar just having a great time. 

After meeting Drew Barrymore's and Guy Fierri's look alikes we left the bar and headed back to our $100 (cheapest in all of Chicago) hotel room at the Howard Johnson.  As we walked down the street, we got hippity hop with it and I dropped a beat for my cousin who started to freestyle.  After three or four lines that didn't really rhyme well, a pair of girls who happened to be parked on the side of the road, called us over and said they liked our freestyling.  Right there, that should have tipped us off, because honestly, Derek was terrible.  We started talking to these girls who where kinda cute and Derek started to somehow pretend that I was a famous rapper on tour.  The girls told us they were headed to some party and would call us in a few minutes when they headed out. 

Nice, we're in. Girls. Side of the road. Party. Strange city. What more can you ask for?! Two minutes later, Derek got a call on his cell and of course it was one of these two city slickers.  First line of the conversation?

"It's $175 per hour."

Fuck yeah! I met prostitutes! Finally! It took me 26 years but I finally got a firm offer from some Pros.  That's so exciting right? Of course, we couldn't let it end there though.  Shmerek decided to counteroffer with this statement.  "Listen, I don't want to be rude, but usually girls pay us for sex.  We're willing to just break even and let you guys bang us for free."  I dunno about you but that sounds like a pretty good deal.

She responded by telling us that we were wasting her time and she'd fuck us up if we kept screwing with her.  I may not know much, but I know that when a prostitute says she's gonna fuck you up, you better listen.  For this reason, we decided to drop the subject and let them go on their way.  Great times in Chicago. That's all from me.

Thank you guys for patiently waiting for my return.

Lets. Get. Busy.

Farewell for Now

Well it is time to say good bye for a while.  I'll be making the blog private and stop working for a couple months until I find a job.  I can't afford for the people hiring me to find this and realize I'm the most ridiculous person in the world. 

WHAT has really had a great run.  108 followers, over 60 countries and 49 states have seen this blog.  FUCK YOU NORTH DAKOTA. 

Thanks for the good times and usually funny comments.  Let's just hope the job search ends soon and I can get back to writing.  Here is a farewell present for you.  A video from our sledding adventure today.

Staying in a Bar for New Years? Who Needs It?!

So another New Years Eve has come and gone and once again, despite my best efforts, I was unable to close down the bar.  This unfortunately, was not because I was too drunk (completely debatable) nor was it because I was too tired.  It was because, for two years in a row, I have been thrown out of the bar for one reason or another.  This year, I probably deserved it.

***Keep in mind, all of this was told to me the following day***

We were staying at the Holiday Inn for the night and just like anytime we go out, we pregamed a little before.  Unfortunately on New Years, to me, pregaming a little means drinking your face off and pregaming a lot means dying.  So I guess, looking back on it, having survived the last two new years' is an accomplishment on its own.  Anyway, apparently, I drank a lot before we go to the bar because by the time we got to the bar, I was in tough guy mode, which is never a good mode to start the night in.

We get to the bar, and there is a line of like 100 people, and I think to myself, good thing we got tickets and we're on the list.  So I strut up to the front of the line like I'm Old King Clancy and I say to the bouncer, "we're on the list."  That's right bitches! Check out my name, Adam T.  He replies back to me, "Everyone's on the list."  FUCK!

Usually, we would walk our stupid asses to the back of the line and wait, but as I mentioned earlier, I was in tough guy mode so I went for it.  About half way down the line, I saw an opening and I just slid in.  It was awesome! I could hear the people behind me whispering but loud enough that I could hear, "This kid just cut! What the fuck.  There's a line.  This is unbelievable.  Someone say something."  And more things like this.  Best part about it, I knew I was in tough guy mode and I think they did too because as soon as they started talking like that, I knew they weren't going to do anything.  Finally one kid stepped up:

Kid: You know you just cut everyone right?
Me: Yes.
Kid: Well you need to get to the back of the line.
Me: No, I don't the lines too long.
Kid: Well I'm a pussy so I'm not gonna do shit.

I don't think he actually said that last part but it was implied.  Eventually, I got my other 3 friends to join me in line and these kids lost it, yet they still did nothing.  I don't think I've ever felt more invincible.  I was ready to fight Zeus and Poseidon at the same time (although I realize that if we were fighting underwater and Zeus used a lightning bolt, we would all die but thats beside the point).

So moving on! We get into the bar and I'm on my way to black out city.  Here is how my night went.

Minute 1: Check coat
Minute 2: Dance with girls on stripper pole
Minute 3: Get kicked off stripper pole
Minute 4: Buy two drinks for $18 and start a tab (i would subsequently leave my card and end up just canceling it)
Minute 5: Walk across the dance floor.
Minute 6: Walk back.

BLACKOUT.

That's all I remember of the bar.  Here is what was relayed to me the next day.  I continued to dance and walk around aimlessly for a little bit. Then some guy started barreling through people and pushed my friend and spilled his drink.  Fuck that! I'm in tough guy mode and no one pushes my friend, so I shoved the guy and said something to the effect of, "yeah you like pushing people?"  Most likely it came out as, "Yeahhh, yooouuu mlikes smushing ukjerjjogh...""

Unfortunately, this guy I just pushed was the Assistant Manager of the bar and had me removed immediately thus ending my stint at the Liquor Store on New Years Eve.  Now, keep in mind, that we got into the bar at 11:15 and I got thrown out around 12:30.  I remember 6 minutes.  That leaves from 11:21-12:30 wide open for god knows what.  I have no clue what I was doing in that time but I'm sure it was obnoxious and offensive to several people.

All in all, I had a great new years and I can't wait for next year.

30,000 and Vegas? Don't Mind if I Do.

So, I found out yesterday at noon that today I would be leaving for Las Vegas at 4:30.  Amazing right?  Right!  So I'm sitting here at the airport waiting for my plane to take me to an amazing place where I plan to make it fucking rain on the craps table.  Me and my cousin, D-reezy, are gonna light this place up.  And if I'm not making it rain, I'm gonna be shooting machine guns and blowing shit away. 

Now I know going on this trip is awesome, but the story before leaving is not nearly as interesting as the story after I get home.  So, I'll stop talking about it until I get back. 

On an equally amazing note, we're closing in on our 30,000th hit!  So just like always, I want someone to snap a picture of it if it's you.  So make sure after you read this, that you check out the bottom of the page to see if you're lucky #30,000.  The person that sends me this picture will win an amazing souvenir from Las Vegas, assuming I have enough money left to actually buy you anything. 

That is all, wish me luck!

Ugh

I have a huge presentation today.  Entertain yourself.

Big Foot Wuz Here

So, I was at the bar this past week and as usual, I was drinking beer.  Now, most of you know this about me already, but some of you may not so I thought I'd inform you that usually when I drink beer, I end up having to pee later.  So eventually after a while, I had to pee and when I'm at the bar, my absolute favorite place to go pee is in the men's room so that's where I took myself. 

That is where this story took a scary yet mysterious yet intriguing turn.  As I stepped up to the urinal, I looked around to take in my surroundings, get a real feeling for the bathroom you know?  That's when I saw it - the scariest, grossest, most peculiar thing in the world.  A pube the size of a fork! That's right! Look at this mother whattin' beast!

What monstrosity of a man left this behind?  And possibly an even more interesting question, how the hell did it end up on the top of the urinal, which is about 4 feet high.  Let's think about this.  First of all, this has to be the hairiest man on Earth with absolutely no manscaping capabilities/considerations.  Second of all, he needs to be tall enough that a pube could fall out and still land on the top of the urinal. 


Looking at all the facts, it's pretty clear that there's really only one possibility.  Big Foot stopped by Rafter's in Amherst, MA to catch a football game and drain the lizard.  What else could have left something like this behind?  Nothing.  That's what.  If anyone has any more information on this story, like when Big Foot was there and if he'll be back soon, I'd love to hear about it.

P.S. You should note that the fork wasn't there when I saw the pube.  There's just no way to see the pube's true size unless there is something to compare it to.