Hmm... It Sounds Legit But...

So the other day, I was at a meeting at our client's office and they have a tv that is always on CNN.  I happened to glance over it and I see a headline on the ticker that catches my eye.

"Surfer survives near shark attack in Oregon."

And at first I think, oh snap! A shark attack! But wait...nope, it was a near shark attack. What the hell? Why are you telling me this?  What the hell is a near shark attack?  I assume its just when a shark swims by a person.  Amazing right?

And the confusing part wasn't that they were reporting about a near shark attack, but that the main story was that the surfer survived. He survived! A near shark attack! Who the fuck hasn't survived a near shark attack?
For all I know, I've survived 100 near shark attacks and I've never been on CNN.  This is bull shit!! I have also survived a near car accident and a near choking incident (it went down the wrong way).  Why the hell aren't I famous?!

Here is a list of other amazing stories that I bet CNN has run on their bottom ticker.

"Man survives near shooting."
"Bank teller survives near bank robbery."
"Snowboard survives near avalanche."

F that S! Anyone can survive a near anything.  All you have to do is be in a situation where something might happen, and then not have it happen, and boom! SURVIVER!

That's all for now.  See you next time.  Unless I don't survive a near earthquake this week.