111? We Can Do Better Than That

Listen, I don't want to sound ungrateful because I love all of my followers.  Even the ones that just write mean comments and make my eyes rain. But! I think we can do better than 111.  I know thanks to Googs Analytics that I've got some readers now in the great state of Colorado.  So why don't you fess up, follow the blog, and join this great family of WHATsicles.

Yeah, that's right.  WHATsicles.  Fuckin deal with it.

As an added bonus, if I get 10 new followers by the end of the year, I will run a new comment contest with a grand prize of $20 young mula baby! It doesn't take much to follow the blog. Just sign in with a google, aol, or yahoo account.

Bada bing bada boob, you're in and you're out, easy peasy lemon squeezy, she's got the urge...to herbal!

Geography = Not My Strong Suit = I'm A Dick

Oh hello, its a wonderful day in the neighborhood isn't it? Shut up!

So, in several of my of my posts over the last year and a half, I have yelled at North Dakota for not reading my blog.  I had 70 something countries and 49 states but no matter what I did, I couldn't get anyone in ND to read this awesome factory.  Well, it is with a 1/3 sincere heart that I apologize to the horrifically boring amazing state of North Dakota.

I was on my analytics page the other day and I realized that I do have a reader in North Dakota.  In fact, I have an amazing total of 1 hit from the pointless great state of North Dakota.

So...the question remains, why did I think that ND was full of a bunch of non-WHAT reading dbags?  Its because the state next to it on the map had 0 hits and there are no state names on the map.  I think its fair to say that anyone in ND that is upset with me should be more upset with Montana! Those fox hunting dingledonkies haven't read this blog once! What the F is wrong with them! Don't they know that this blog gets 10's of readers every time I post?

Wait...do they have internet there? I mean, it is in the midwest, anything is possible.  Yeah, let's go with that.  WHAT has officially been read by every state in the country that has access to the world wide web! I did it America! Suck it Canada! (I take that back, their my 3rd most active country with 246 hits)

Interesting Fact About My Friends

Oh hello there. Don't touch me. Thanks.

So, if you have any knowledge of surveys or market research, you understand that in order to get a read of the entire population, information is collected from a small percentage of that population and then the information is extrapolated out of that.  Well, as with all of my other polls, I have collected some data, and it turns out...

100% of my friends pick their noses.  That's right! Every single one of you is a dirty, disgusting, vile, nose picker!  I bet there are 20 of you reading this right now with one finger up there as we speak! Your keyboard is begging you not to type with that finger any more but those cries fall on dead ears and unclogged nostrils.

Come on guys! I thought we lived in a society where we are supposed to be civilized, not heathens lawlessly roaming the streets.  The only thing worse than learning this is realizing I didn't know it for years and all the gross boogies that have ended up on me by accident...or on purpose.

Either way, I've learned a lot about you freaks and I decided next week I'm going to go back through my polls and actually put a report together about my readership.  This should be interesting.

Until then, don't touch me, and don't forget to vote in the new poll!

Remember My Other Blog?

What a fucking terrible idea that was huh!? I read some book called Linchpin, which was about being indispensable and one of the things he talked about was just doing things. Create stuff! So I was like, well I should start another blog. But this time, it'll be a mature blog! One that I can show off to future employers, this will get them.  ***FART NOISE and THUMBS DOWN***

Come on Adam! Really? Mature? Who the flop do you think you are? Get that stanky bullshit up out my face and tell me about some guy sticking his arm down a clogged toilet!  Like seriously, what the hell was I thinking?  And more importantly, what the hell were you all thinking?! You read it! Why the hell didn't you say "Hey Adam, you're an amazing guy and all, and you're nips are pretty sweet, but seriously bro, that blog is awful and I'll straight up stomp your ass into the ground if you make me read another one of your mature posts."

Granted, I would have been a little insulted but I would've gotten the message and I could've gotten back to what was really important a lot quicker.  Being on here and writing about my drunken escapades and ridiculous ___________ couples that I sit next to on flights.

So I want to officially apologize for making you read that garbage and promise it will never happen again.

OMG...Shut The Frank Up You Two _______________ Idiots!

I know i know, its been forever since I posted.  I've treated my followers like crap...blah blah blah, shut up! I'm freaking busy man. It's exhausting being this awesome (Laughery, pg. 301).  Shredding the pow, high fivin peeps left and right, its crazy up here.

Anyway! I'm back and I'll try better to keep up with you iziots.  I was home this weekend for Thanksgiving and had a great time.  Saw my friends from home who are awesome and saw another 150 people i went to high school with who are not so it was a good balance.  

On my flight home I sat next to this _________ couple.  (Fill in the blank with which ever race/ethnicity you'd like, I'm not trying to offend anyone.  Anyway, I'm sitting next to these two people and its not so bad to start.  I'm watching some TV on my computer, enjoying myself a little Psych.  After 2 hours, my computer died and I had nothing else to listen to so I took off my head phones.  This is when I realized these idiots are watching tv on their computer WITH THE VOLUME ON! On a freakin full flight, they're sitting their with subtitles in _______________ just straight up volume blasting.  It was un freaking believable.

Finally, their computer died so they can no longer watch their stupid sitcom made specifically for __________ people.  But did this quiet the Loudski Family? Of course not. Now they're just talking at full volume in freaking ___________ or ___________, I have no clue.  All I know is I'm trying to sleep, and these butt stains are yelling about god knows what! 

I just don't understand these people.  Is this what all flights are like on Air __________.  Like if I fly into __________ am I just gonna be listening to 40 different TV shows and 60 different conversations?  Or are these two _________ idiots just so dumb and ignorant that they don't understand that other people have ears.  I guess I'm just gonna have to go buy a ____________, hop on a plane to ___________, order the traditional plate of _____________ and punch everyone of these fucking idiots in the head.

The _______________ End. 

Really?! Turns out 57% of my Friends are DBags

So as you all know I put up a new poll last week in which I asked if you all would be coming out to visit me in Denver. At first it was a good start, 2 for Yes 1 for No.  Then it happened. As the votes poured in (ha ya all 14 votes, suck it for not voting by the way), it started shifting towards "I'll Say Yes but I Mean No."  What the flip flop! I got a bunch of dick head friends that are gonna tell me they're gonna come visit but they're just lying!

I didn't think it could get worse but then it did.  I even had someone lie about lying on the poll.  One person switched their vote from Yes to Yes but No.  So half way through the poll this person thought, "well I said yes and I meant it, but now, I'm a piece of shit and I'm gonna keep telling him yes but secretly I'll never go visit that sexy piece of awesome."

The real question is why wouldn't you want to come visit, not why would you lie about wanting to come visit.  Denver is the illiest of all illy places.  For all my single girl friends, they call this place Menver cuz there's so many guys up in this joint. AND NO THAT'S NOT WHY I LOVE IT HERE.  For all my single dudebros, who ever started calling it Menver is an idiot, this place is loaded like a river during the trout run.  And for all of my fly fishermen friends (not sure who you are) the rivers are loaded like girls in a Denver bar!

Oh and anyone that isn't single, you can still come too.

So now that I've convinced you all, here's a checklist of things to bring on your trip.

1. Snowboard/Skis - by the time you get here I'm gonna be shredding like a fucking Cuisinart Cheese-O-Matic and I want you to come with me
2. Bring oxygen tanks - Holy shitting shit the air is thin up here.  Been running about 15-20 miles a week this summer, ran 15 feet and my lungs had a heart attack.
3. Bring a snow shovel - it snows a lot here and I hate shoveling.
4. Bring your liver - this place is just full of microbreweries and coors light and if you've been reading my earlier posts, you know I've taken full advantage of both of those.
5. Bring money - not cuz its expensive here but because I'm broke and I'm prolly gonna try and rob you. Thanks.


See you soon assholes!

Halloween 1, Adam 0

Fuckin shit balls, Halloween beat me again. God damnit!!!!!!!!

I went out last night for Halloween and just absolutely crushed it with my midget costume.

 Honestly, crushed it doesn't even do it justice. I had people coming up to me to shake my hands, touching my feet, taking my picture, it was absurd.  I've never seen a costume go over so well.  But as we all know, being amazing comes with a price and my shins are paying it right now.  When I eventually got home, which I'll tell you about in a second, my right shin was bleeding and theyre both killing me right now.

As I was saying, I killed it at the bar. Jello shots left and right, dancing up a storm.  Somehow I even got in the middle of a dance circle during Party Rock Anthem and started shuffling in on my trash cans. CRUSHED IT.

Now, last time I went out with these guys, as you know from a few posts ago, everyone left without me, I got lost and it was awful.  Here's the convo I had with my friend to make sure that didn't happen again. 

Me (10:24pm): Don't leave without me.
Shmatrick (12:24am): Leaving without you.
Shmatrick (1:01am): Ye, officially on your own.
Me (1:02am): I think I'm dead.

Classic.

So anyway, as you now know, I was on my own for getting home.  It did not go well.  I got into a cab, told the guy my address and we were off! As we arrive at the destination (according to him) I realize he has taken me to Columbine St and not South Columbine St. Awesome, turns out they are no where near each other.  For some reason, I still paid the guy the $15 dollars we agreed on and I got out and walked/ran home.

Unfortunately, it was a 2 mile trip for me and amazingly, it took me around 1 mile to realize that I lost one of my shoes earlier in the night.  I'm guessing when I decided to discard my trash can legs, one of my shoes went with it. No fucking idea how I didn't notice until now but I didn't. Awesome, $90 Nikes? See ya shoe.

So yah, I walked/ran 2 miles home with 1 shoe on.  Here is the resulting sock:

Then to top it all off, I woke up naked in my bed. Good times. See you next year Halloween.

Well That Was Quick (That's What She Said. Boom!)

So today, I decided to run out to Starbuck's real quick and grab a coffee.  First things first, I got a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Amazing. Ah-ma-zing. So that's fun.

Anyway, while I'm out at the Bucks, I decide to text one of my fellow coworkers and see if anyone in the office wanted anything.  It turns out, I accidentally sent the text to her email address instead of her phone.  So when that happens, apparently it comes from an account I set up a long time ago through Verizon.  

No big deal, right? I thought so, but apparently I thought wrong.  I didn't realize what the account was until I got back to the office and as soon as I walked in, the four girls at the office all yelled, "Hey! Tdogg! Tdizzle! What up Tdogg!!!" 

Shit. Apparently the account I made up was Tdogg@vzw.com or something stupid like that. So less than two weeks into my job and I've already reverted back to my middle school nick name of Tdogg/Tdizzle. Im hoping this doesn't stick but I think it will.  Claudia started just under a year ago, her license plate was Claudster for like two weeks, and she's the Claudster to everyone in the office.  Sweet.

Stupid verizon!

Hmm... It Sounds Legit But...

So the other day, I was at a meeting at our client's office and they have a tv that is always on CNN.  I happened to glance over it and I see a headline on the ticker that catches my eye.

"Surfer survives near shark attack in Oregon."

And at first I think, oh snap! A shark attack! But wait...nope, it was a near shark attack. What the hell? Why are you telling me this?  What the hell is a near shark attack?  I assume its just when a shark swims by a person.  Amazing right?

And the confusing part wasn't that they were reporting about a near shark attack, but that the main story was that the surfer survived. He survived! A near shark attack! Who the fuck hasn't survived a near shark attack?
For all I know, I've survived 100 near shark attacks and I've never been on CNN.  This is bull shit!! I have also survived a near car accident and a near choking incident (it went down the wrong way).  Why the hell aren't I famous?!

Here is a list of other amazing stories that I bet CNN has run on their bottom ticker.

"Man survives near shooting."
"Bank teller survives near bank robbery."
"Snowboard survives near avalanche."

F that S! Anyone can survive a near anything.  All you have to do is be in a situation where something might happen, and then not have it happen, and boom! SURVIVER!

That's all for now.  See you next time.  Unless I don't survive a near earthquake this week.

New City, Same Blackouts

Wow. I can honestly say that I am both shocked and amazed that I woke up in my bed this morning.  What's not shocking or amazing is that fact that my mouth tastes like the dark side of a homeless guy's adult diaper.

So last night, I went to a concert.  The band was called Super Diamond and they're a Neil Diamond cover band.  They were amazing! Based off my knowledge of 2 or 3 Neil Diamond songs, these guys fucking nailed it.  Either way, the concert was absurd, I was dancing all over the place, drinking RBVs left and right, I was good to go. (Early P.S. RBV stands for Red Bull Vodka. For a second just now I thought I made that up and I was so fucking excited. turns out its been on Urban Dictionary since 2004.)

Anyway, the whole night was amazing, until after the concert that is...or at least what I'm perceiving as after the concert.  Leading up to the show, I was having an absolute blast, I was even recorded dancing to my favorite song ever.

SIDENOTE: As many of you know, I have been working very hard to master a dance move done by the robot head guy from the Party Rock Anthem video.  It's the move done at 5:33



Well I absolutely crushed this move in the video, along with a pretty sick moon walk if I may say so myself.  Here's a link to the video so you can judge for yourself.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=537090161882

Anyway, it was all fun and games until everything that I drank kicked in and I stopped remembering things. That happened right around quarter after Blurry O'clock.  So, there I am, having a blast at this concert, singing, dancing, awesomeing (new word, it's gonna be a thing), next thing I know, I'm stranded in the middle of no where.  No friends. No i-

OMG. Literally, while writing this I just remembered another bar that I went to after the concert. How amazing is that? I don't remember where I was, who I was with, when I got there or any details, but I do remember another bar. Fuckin memories, who knows when they're gonna show up.

Back to my blackout. After this surprise bar that just showed up in my head, I still ended up with no friends, no idea where I was, and no clue how to get home. About 2 minutes into being lost, my phone died so I couldn't call for a cab or text someone for directions or google map as i usually do to figure out where I am. Instead, I was just left out in the wilderness, up in the rocky mountains, to fend for myself against mountain lions, gorillas, and komodo dragons.

Turns out, Denver is nothing like NYC, which is awesome most of the time. It doesn't smell like a bumbs mouth.. You're not hated by every person everywhere no matter what.  And there are barely any cabs.  Or at least there weren't on whatever street I ended up on.  According to my black out clock, I walked up and down these random streets for about 70-80 hours before I finally got a cab to stop for me.  Turns out the cab driver was a great guy, as I recall we had a great convo on the way home, he didn't rob me, I didn't rob him. It was a great experience overall.

And now the for the best part about living in Denver. NFL games start at 11 AM. What what in the butt. Peace!

Oh...We're Back! And We've Got Surprises!

Yes! Thats right mother flipflops! What Happened to Adam Today is back and we're coming back with a bang! As many of you know, I recently landed my first job which I am starting on Friday.  Now, considering that I shut down my blog in order to make myself look better during my job search, it only makes sense that I start it back up now that I have a real job! Okay, so enough of this bullshit! Let's get down to business and to the real reason why you're all here...WHAT HAPPENED TO ADAM TODAY!

So, I'm moving to Denver and I decided to drive across the country to get there.  I picked up my cousin Shmerek on the way down in Pittsburgh and for those of you who don't know, Shmerek is as ridiculous, if not more ridiculous than me, so this road trip is just gonna be absurd. 

Our first stop on the trip was in Chicago, which is where I'm writing this story from right now.  We decided to go out and headed to the only place where guys in a new city go...Hooters.  We had a great time and saw a boob or two.  After they closed we got some advice and headed off to a couple suggested bars.  We ended up at some Irish bar just having a great time. 

After meeting Drew Barrymore's and Guy Fierri's look alikes we left the bar and headed back to our $100 (cheapest in all of Chicago) hotel room at the Howard Johnson.  As we walked down the street, we got hippity hop with it and I dropped a beat for my cousin who started to freestyle.  After three or four lines that didn't really rhyme well, a pair of girls who happened to be parked on the side of the road, called us over and said they liked our freestyling.  Right there, that should have tipped us off, because honestly, Derek was terrible.  We started talking to these girls who where kinda cute and Derek started to somehow pretend that I was a famous rapper on tour.  The girls told us they were headed to some party and would call us in a few minutes when they headed out. 

Nice, we're in. Girls. Side of the road. Party. Strange city. What more can you ask for?! Two minutes later, Derek got a call on his cell and of course it was one of these two city slickers.  First line of the conversation?

"It's $175 per hour."

Fuck yeah! I met prostitutes! Finally! It took me 26 years but I finally got a firm offer from some Pros.  That's so exciting right? Of course, we couldn't let it end there though.  Shmerek decided to counteroffer with this statement.  "Listen, I don't want to be rude, but usually girls pay us for sex.  We're willing to just break even and let you guys bang us for free."  I dunno about you but that sounds like a pretty good deal.

She responded by telling us that we were wasting her time and she'd fuck us up if we kept screwing with her.  I may not know much, but I know that when a prostitute says she's gonna fuck you up, you better listen.  For this reason, we decided to drop the subject and let them go on their way.  Great times in Chicago. That's all from me.

Thank you guys for patiently waiting for my return.

Lets. Get. Busy.

Farewell for Now

Well it is time to say good bye for a while.  I'll be making the blog private and stop working for a couple months until I find a job.  I can't afford for the people hiring me to find this and realize I'm the most ridiculous person in the world. 

WHAT has really had a great run.  108 followers, over 60 countries and 49 states have seen this blog.  FUCK YOU NORTH DAKOTA. 

Thanks for the good times and usually funny comments.  Let's just hope the job search ends soon and I can get back to writing.  Here is a farewell present for you.  A video from our sledding adventure today.

Staying in a Bar for New Years? Who Needs It?!

So another New Years Eve has come and gone and once again, despite my best efforts, I was unable to close down the bar.  This unfortunately, was not because I was too drunk (completely debatable) nor was it because I was too tired.  It was because, for two years in a row, I have been thrown out of the bar for one reason or another.  This year, I probably deserved it.

***Keep in mind, all of this was told to me the following day***

We were staying at the Holiday Inn for the night and just like anytime we go out, we pregamed a little before.  Unfortunately on New Years, to me, pregaming a little means drinking your face off and pregaming a lot means dying.  So I guess, looking back on it, having survived the last two new years' is an accomplishment on its own.  Anyway, apparently, I drank a lot before we go to the bar because by the time we got to the bar, I was in tough guy mode, which is never a good mode to start the night in.

We get to the bar, and there is a line of like 100 people, and I think to myself, good thing we got tickets and we're on the list.  So I strut up to the front of the line like I'm Old King Clancy and I say to the bouncer, "we're on the list."  That's right bitches! Check out my name, Adam T.  He replies back to me, "Everyone's on the list."  FUCK!

Usually, we would walk our stupid asses to the back of the line and wait, but as I mentioned earlier, I was in tough guy mode so I went for it.  About half way down the line, I saw an opening and I just slid in.  It was awesome! I could hear the people behind me whispering but loud enough that I could hear, "This kid just cut! What the fuck.  There's a line.  This is unbelievable.  Someone say something."  And more things like this.  Best part about it, I knew I was in tough guy mode and I think they did too because as soon as they started talking like that, I knew they weren't going to do anything.  Finally one kid stepped up:

Kid: You know you just cut everyone right?
Me: Yes.
Kid: Well you need to get to the back of the line.
Me: No, I don't the lines too long.
Kid: Well I'm a pussy so I'm not gonna do shit.

I don't think he actually said that last part but it was implied.  Eventually, I got my other 3 friends to join me in line and these kids lost it, yet they still did nothing.  I don't think I've ever felt more invincible.  I was ready to fight Zeus and Poseidon at the same time (although I realize that if we were fighting underwater and Zeus used a lightning bolt, we would all die but thats beside the point).

So moving on! We get into the bar and I'm on my way to black out city.  Here is how my night went.

Minute 1: Check coat
Minute 2: Dance with girls on stripper pole
Minute 3: Get kicked off stripper pole
Minute 4: Buy two drinks for $18 and start a tab (i would subsequently leave my card and end up just canceling it)
Minute 5: Walk across the dance floor.
Minute 6: Walk back.

BLACKOUT.

That's all I remember of the bar.  Here is what was relayed to me the next day.  I continued to dance and walk around aimlessly for a little bit. Then some guy started barreling through people and pushed my friend and spilled his drink.  Fuck that! I'm in tough guy mode and no one pushes my friend, so I shoved the guy and said something to the effect of, "yeah you like pushing people?"  Most likely it came out as, "Yeahhh, yooouuu mlikes smushing ukjerjjogh...""

Unfortunately, this guy I just pushed was the Assistant Manager of the bar and had me removed immediately thus ending my stint at the Liquor Store on New Years Eve.  Now, keep in mind, that we got into the bar at 11:15 and I got thrown out around 12:30.  I remember 6 minutes.  That leaves from 11:21-12:30 wide open for god knows what.  I have no clue what I was doing in that time but I'm sure it was obnoxious and offensive to several people.

All in all, I had a great new years and I can't wait for next year.