Pee: Its Still Better than the WNBA Poll #23

This is a sad day for women's professional basketball.  It's a great day for professional pee-ers though.  According to the last poll, my followers and I would rather take a shower in pee than watch the WNBA.  To be honest, who is surprised by this?  Have you ever watched the WNBA?  It's like the NBA but its being played in quick sand.  Not only that, the proportion of ratio of white to black athletes in the WNBA is higher than that of the NBA, no wonder the quality of the basketball is lower.  Either way, I love that you guys love pee so much.

Who would of thought I had a bunch of freaky deaky weirdos reading this blog?  I mean, I assumed there was the occasional pervert that may stumble onto my page and be intrigued by my baby picture at the top, but I didn't know just how far it went. 

And I know, it's just 1% of the water that is pee so who really even would ever notice.  But I decided to do the math on this and really put it into perspective.  If instead of the 1% being mixed in throughout the shower, it came all at once, I bet that would have changed some of your minds.  Think about it.  If it is a 10 minute shower, 1% of that would make your shower all pee for 6 seconds.  Now you're probably thinking, 6 seconds isn't that long.  Well it is when you're being peed on, trust me.  Sad part for the WNBA is that I actually calculated that math and still went with the pee.  

Good times. 

Party Formula

So, as some of you may know, my house is hosted a party this weekend to celebrate a couple of birthday parties for our friends.  This was be our third party of the year and probably the 10th party we've had at this house.  During these 10 parties, I have noticed that we have fallen into a certain pattern where all of our parties fit the same mold.  This is how it goes.

• All of our snacks (chips, pretzels, salsa, candy) are served in pots and pans.  Classic.
• We suggest that everyone show up around 930 or 10.  Unfortunately, only one or two people show up that early, and they are the people we were hoping weren't going to come at all.
• We start a list for beruit and put on sports on the TV to keep everyone entertained.
• Every 15 minutes or so we put on a great song that makes everyone want to sing and/or dance.
• One person throws up and 8 people pee in the bushes out front.
• Once people have made the rounds in beruit, we switch over to beirip cup.
• My team wins beirip cup and then we move on to Vinnie Cup.
• I usually win that (first loss ever this past weekend) and then people start leaving.
• The next morning, I wake up, vaguely remembering any of the night and somehow the house is clean because my roommates cleaned after I passed out.  

Now for the most part, I'm usually a stickler about changing things up and doing things differently to keep it spicy.  Well not when it comes to these parties.  This is a guaranteed formula that has only produced one flop in its entirety and personally I blame my roommate Shmuanmarlos Shmunez for that.  If you come to our next party, which will be in January celebrating all of the summer birthdays that have been ignored for our entire lives, you will see that this formula is golden and should not be questioned.

PS I know this post sucked and ur just gonna have to deal with it.

PPS I am taking a Thanksgiving break and will post again on Monday.

PPPS I might sneak one in later this week about the last poll and the amazing finish.

PPPPS This is the most PS's ive ever had before.

PPPPPS Now its even more than it was two seconds ago.

No Tie Tonight!

We cannot let this poll end in a tie! So you better non-voters better vote and resolve this thing! Wake up and let's get busy!

I'm a Bum

Well, yesterday was my day off and let me tell you, I really took that phrase to heart.  I had a pretty busy Sunday doing work all day, and a pretty busy Monday with 4 classes and a presentation.  When Tuesday came around it was great.  Here is what I did yesterday:

10:00 AM - Wake up.
10-12 PM - Watch 5 episodes of Community
12- 1 PM - Made an awesome scrambled egg sandwich and watch an episode of Community
1 - 3 PM  - Did several sets of pushups, dips, and crunches, while watching 5 more episodes of Community.
3 - 330 PM  - Searched for jobs at Cabella's and Bass Pro Shops (didn't find any)
330- -5 PM - Made a sandwich for dinner and watched an episode of the Closer and an episode Law and Order SVU
5:00 - 5:02 PM  - Wrote the first half of this post.
5:02 - 9:00 PM - Watched 8 more episodes of Community and did a tiny bit of work.
9 - 11:10 PM - Played 4 games of Fifa and 4 games of NHL with my roommate Chris
11:10 - 11:30 PM - Watched another episode of Community
11:30 - 11:40 PM - Took a shower
11:40 - 12 AM - Watched another episode of Community.

So, in a 14 hour span, I watched 21 episodes of Community, and one episode each of the Closer and Law and Order, which, after removing commercials equals 8.75 hours of watching TV.  Totally normal.  I swear I'm not a complete waste of space, I may have been today but this is a bit out of the ordinary for me.  Tomorrow, I go back to being a productive little hamster and I'm gonna run on the wheel of education all day.  But for now, I think I'll watch 2-3 more episodes of Community and then go to sleep.

I hope all of you had as great a day as me.

PS I'm a fucking idiot.  $10 says this day is the reason I don't get a job after graduation. 

That's Not How You Do It!

So this past Thursday we were at a bar with a big dance floor and you all know that when I get on the dance floor, dance circles are inevitable.  Well this night in particular we had some pretty good ones going on.  We started doing spin the bottle dance circle like we always do and I was ripping it up, moonwalking in my gold shoes as I always do.

One thing you should know about this bar is that it is like 50% underage girls, which is fun and annoying at the same time.  For example, there was a girl talking to my friend who looked like she was about 14 years old.  During the conversation she asked my friend, "Did you guys use your real IDs to get in?"  and what shocked and so excited to learn that we had.  Amazing.

Anyway, so we're on the dance floor and it's going well.  All of a sudden, the bottle lands on a girl who looks like she got dressed in the dark.  I knew immediately shit girl was gonna be an idiot of all sorts.  We tell her it landed on her and she had to dance, so she did.  Then we told her to spin the bottle.  So she did...unfortunately, she did it like a fucking idiot.

 

I kid you not, she held the bottle out at shoulder height, spun it and dropped it on the floor.  And smash!  Awesome!  We've got a shattered bottle and glass everywhere in our dance circle.  What the fuck?  Now either this girl is a mothea flippin moron and just doesn't understand how glass works.  Or (most likely reason) she saw how popular I was becoming by leading the dance circle and she is one to never be out done and knew this could be the downfall of her college career if I steal the spotlight from her so she threw the bottle on the floor, smashing both the bottle and my chances to become a dance floor king.


F That!  Little did she know, I had a back up bottle in my back pocket, so I moved the group off to the side and started that shit right up again.  That's why they call me the Dancing In Circles King, or DICK for short.

Buncha Stylish Douches

So as you all know from my experience of being called a landscaper, I was in NYC last weekend.  As i wandered the city and pretended to live the life of a New Yorker, I pondered what my life would be like if I actually lived there. And I realized that I would be in jail in about a week or so for assault with a deadly weapon because without a doubt, after a week, I would be so sick of seeing all of these people that think they are so stylish,  I would just start beating people with hammers.

Here are some of the people I happened to see as I was walking down 5th avenue.

1. A girl wearing neon green pants, neon green shoes, neon green sunglasses, a neon green belt, and a neon green purse.  What the what?! Like really, did she just get gakked on What Would You DO with host Marc Summers? 

2. A guy wearing a pink tie.  Now usually, that's not so bad.  Unfortunately, this guy had to take it to the next level.  He had the skinny part of the tie, the part that is supposed to be in the back, about twice as long as the the fat part.  Hey Bub, that's not stylish, that's just messing up on tying your knot.  Is that what style is now?  Just getting dressed improperly?  Perfect, I'm going to start clipping suspenders to my hats and putting my arm through the neck hole instead of my sleeves.

3. This guy I should have just knocked out on the spot.  He was wearing the smallest pair of glasses I have ever seen.  I swear to god, this is no exaggeration, the lens of his glasses were the size of nickels.  NICKELS!  Think about how small that is.  Its smaller than a quarter and a little bigger than a penny. 

Motha frankin New York City.  I swear, if I move there and I start dressing like these white stains, you guys all better mail me a kick in the groin.  I probably won't sign for it but it'll be the gesture that really counts. 

Hans and Poll #23

As you all know I had a poll last week asking which kind of pet I should get and 24 of you voted.  More importantly, 8 of you voted for a lizard and I never ignore my followers, so what did I do?  I bought a lizard.  Yup, that's right.  I bought a god damn lizard and he's fucking awesome. 

WHAT followers, I would like to introduce you to Hans Gruber!

He's the man right? Right!  If you guys ever want to play with him, you just come over and let him crawl all over you.  It's so fun.  He's got these little toes and they tickle your penis.  I'm kidding.  I just got him, we've decided to take it slow. 

Anyway, he's awesome and he's actually sitting on my keyboard right now and kind of making it hard for me to type.  Im gonna put him on my head.  There we go, that's so much better.  So anyway, a lot of you have been saying things like, he'll be dead in two weeks and i bet he doesn't survive until New Years.  Well you know what?  I can't wait for you to have a baby.  Cuz i'm gonna come to the hospital and say the same thing and see how you feel, ya jerks!

Ok, I'm gonna go hand feed Hans some baby food now and then it's bed time for the little guy.

Happy Birthday WHAT!!

Well well well!!! Its been 1 mother frankin year! Holy shit. Can you believe it? I sure as hell can't.  It really is absurd.  I still remember the day I started it, my best friend told me I would be bored with this in 3 weeks.  Well best friend, you can eat my stinky archives bitch! 

What a great year it has been.  Here's a quick recap:

1. 102 Followers
2. 77 FBook Likes
3. Over 27,000 Hits
4. Hits in 49 States (Fuck You North Dakota!)
5. Hits in 67 Countries
6. Several Prizes Won ($10, WHAT T-Shirt, 6 Pack of Beer)
7. 0 Prizes Paid Out
8. $100 raised toward the Triangle Head Tattoo

Wow.  I know, right?! Well, anyway, I was actually in a bar in NYC when it officially became the one year anniversary of WHAT.  Unfortunately, I wasn't in the best mood when this great moment happened and here's why.

So we were at the bar and this girl walks in with skin tight leather pants and I turned to my friend and said, "That was hottest girl in the world."  Before he saw her she went up stairs so we decided to wander up there and find her.  As we were walking to the stairs, we overheard another guy turn to his friend and say, "Holy shit, that was the hottest girl in the world."  I turned to him and said I know! and he joined us on the quest upstairs.

So we get up there and we're walking behind her when I bump into some girl.  I turn to her and say sorry, and she says, "Landscaper!"  I wasn't sure if that was how you say it's ok in New York so I was like huh? And she was like "Landscaper!"  Again, I was like I dunno what you're talking about.  Then she did it.  She said to me "You look like you mow lawns!"  HOLY FUCK!

I wouldn't believe if I hadn't heard it with my own earballs.  I couldn't even comprehend it.  There I am, sports coat on, lookin sexy, wearing cuff links for God's sake, and she calls me a fucking landscaper.  Well, I don't take shit like that, so I fucking drilled her in the face.  Literally, knocked her the fuck out.  I fuckin Snookied her. 

Not really, but I should've!  If she hadn't been a giant oaf, whose make up was all smeared, I would've let loose on her, but I figured her current look was punishment enough.  Anyway, that's how I celebrated WHAT's 1 year anniversary, by being called a landscaper. 

Either way, it's been a great year and this next one is gonna be even better.  Maybe by next November 6th I'll look like the manager of a landscaping company rather than an actual lawn mower.

Candy Corn?! You Idiots! - Poll #21

So it looks like my followers are just a bunch of big iziots!  I had a poll last week asking whether or not candy corn was good or not.  And well, it ended in a tie at 14-14.  So that's okay I guess...

OK OK! I admit it! I cheated.  FUCK!! I've been arguing with my friends about whether candy corn was good or not and I say yes and my friends say no, so I let you guys decide.  And well, it turns out you're all a bunch of jerks.  In order to make sure that I didn't lose and embarrass myself so... I voted 3 times.

I'm sorry.  I know it was wrong but I couldn't help.  I didn't want to look like an idiot.  Unfortunately, I can't say the same for the person I watched walk face first into a telephone poll this past week.  That was awesome.  But back to me being a cheater.  Don't act like you're surprised, I cheat all the time.  For example!

• I've taken 7 years of Spanish and I don't know anything because I cheated my way through every year. 
• I once had a cheat sheet for a test in a history class, I dropped it into the aisle during the middle of the test, I didn't get caught!
• For my history of rock and roll class, I went to the first and last class, copied my cousins paper from the year before, made up a research paper, and cheated off 3 people for the final, and got an A+.  I didn't even know they had A+'s in college.

Anyway, I'm a cheater. Deal with it.

I Hate Fake Teeth!

A Basketball Court
A Piece of String
An Ear of Corn
A Spatula

What do all of these things have in common?  Yup, you guessed it, they have all been responsible for me chipping my teeth.  Although it is quite an eclectic group, these things haunt me day in and day out and they are keeping me from living life to the fullest.

Every time I step onto a basketball court, I ask myself, "Is today the day that the floor punches me in the mouth again?"  Up to this point, it hasn't been, but still...ya know?  I used to be the sickest three point shooter ever.  I'd walk onto that court, no fears in my mind, other than the fear of losing all of my friends for embarrassing them on the court.  Now when I walk onto the court, I have two fears!  Still the same fear of losing my friends, cuz let's be honest, I still sick wit it from behind the arc.  But now, I'm also afraid of the floor trying to steal my two favorite teeth again.

I can't even eat corn like a big boy anymore.  I need to cut it off with a knife and eat it with a fork. A FORK!!!  That's not how corn was made to be eaten.  It's embarrassing.  I've stopped eating corn in public.  I won't even do it in front of my parents.  I don't want them to be ashamed of their little baby 25 year old forkin corn eater.  (forkin kinda sounded like fuckin right there).

And now spatulas?! Are you kidding me?! I can't even get into a spatula fight with my good friend Shmean Shmiminick without losing part of my face?!  What kind of world is this where spatulas are my number 3 worst enemy?  A terrible world, that's what!  Last week, I had a nightmare where a giant spatula was chasing me down the street and it kept slapping me on the butt.  I woke up just as I realized he had chipped my butt.  It was horrible.  I was so nervous all day that I stole a tray from the Newman Cafe and kept it in my pants so my butt wouldn't chip.

So all in all, thanks fake teeth, for being the worst thing in my life, except for wet socks and people who use the cross walk button.