Announcement Time!!!

So I've just got a few announcements for you, then I'll you be on your way.

1.  I am going to take a break from blogging for a little bit.  My hands are getting tired.  I'll be back in a few weeks or so. 

2. Derek Rice won the picture caption contest.  Since he will soon be a millionaire, I will not be giving him his $10 prize as that is roughly 1% of my net worth.

3. I met possibly my hottest follower the other night who just loves the blog.  Gotta admit, that's a great feeling.  If anyone else would like to run into me at a bar and tell me how awesome I am, please feel free to do so.

4. Finally, I realized the other night that my thumbs do not work past 2 AM when I'm drunk.  This facebook status comment on my friends wall will serve as proof:

Absolutely no clue what the hell I was trying to say there.  Oh well.


SO! That's it for me for a while.  I'll be seeing u in June at some point with some killer stories.  (prolly not since i'll be working an unpaid internship and a part time job.  I won't have enough time or money to do anything fun.  I might just start making this shit up.)

Stupid Corn! You Stole A Piece of Me!

So last night I was having a great time.  I was at a cookout and having fun with my friends and I thought to myself, hey, this corn looks delicious and almost nothing could go wrong by biting into it so I did it! I was wrong.  Very wrong. 

As I pulled back from my second bite, I ran my tongue across my teeth and felt something weird.  I calmly walked to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and noticed 1/4 of one of my front two teeth was missing. Awesome. 

Now granted this isnt the first time this part of my tooth fell off so I was shocked.  In fact, last year I was playing in a basketball game and I ended up landing on the floor face first and lost 2/3 of one tooth and a quarter of the other.  Now it sucked enough that I had lost my teeth but it also just so happened to be the night before I was supposed to fly down to Florida at 6 AM for an interview.  Awesome. So of course with my mangled face and new found lisp, I canceled that interview and ended up at Umass so thats not so bad. 

Anyway, bottom line, this sucks.  I want normal teeth again!

PS if anyone found my tooth, please gimme.

Quickie: What's Up with My Pee?

Today my pee smelled like Chicken Broth.  Like a lot! I was standing there peeing thinking to myself, "Holy shit, my pee smells like chicken broth."  I considered using it to make soup, but I decided against it.  If anyone knows what makes your pee smell like chicken broth, I'd love to hear about it.  Zaga!

Just Stop. This is So Bad!

So as most people do, I customized my iGoogle page so that I get everything I need from it every day.  Gmail, news, sports, NY Times Crossword, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire game, and Comedy Centrals: Joke of the Day.

It's the last one that I want to talk about - The Joke of the Day.  I don't know who is coming up with these jokes but they are absolutely horrendous.  Like literally, the worst jokes ever, ever, ever, ever ,ever.  Sometimes, I literally can't tell if they're making a legit attempt at humor.  Here are a few of the jokes from the past few weeks that have really proven my point.

Zombie Booty Call: 
"I only have eyes for you. Glowing grey, milky, dead eyes."
Seriously? That's a joke?  I don't even understand what's happening.  There's no way someone sat down at a computer and thought, "Wow, this is funny."  Especially not someone at Comedy Central.  What is happening?!

Rednecks at School
"You can tell when you're a Redneck when you walk with your son to school because you're in the same grade." 
This is just unrealistic.  There's no way a person, who was kept back enough times to end up in his son's grade wouldn't have just dropped out of school.  I want to punch this joke in the throat. 

Orange Juice
"Why did florida orange growers offer OJ Simpson $3 million? To change his name to Apple Juice."
SO STUPID! Jesus! What is wrong with Comedy Central! Is this a joke?! (that works on so many levels)  Apple Juice? It's not like his name is Orange Juice right now.  Who would ever change there name to Apple Juice?  How about just changing his name to Anthony? But then again, apple juice isn't known as AJ so that doesnt even work.  How about just changing his name to anything else? OR! How about making this joke 12 years ago when it was relevant?  AHHHHHHH!!!


She's So Stupid
"Yo Mama is so stupid, she traveled to the sun because she thought it was a cheese ball."
This is just getting out of hand now.  Least. Funny. Thing. Ever. In fact, if someone told me that they traveled to the sun, no matter what the reason was for it, I would say, "Wow, that person must be an astronautical engineering genius!"  Think about how smart you would have to be to build a spacecraft that is able to fly to the sun.  It boggles the mind.  No way that person would ever be the butt of any of my jokes.  


Bottom Line: It's time for Comedy Central to get their shit together.  This is beyond embarrassing.

P.S. I like this whole Bottom Line wrap up mechanism.  Prepare to see this more often.

Explosive Material?

So the other day, I was at some place on campus when I saw an amazingly confusing T shirt.  There was this girl standing next to me who, well, she was big.  She was about 6'1" and very overweight.  I usually would ignore a fact like that, but it kind of adds to the mystery behind her shirt.

On the front of the shirt was the word "Boom."  On the back was "Caution: Explosive Material Inside This Shirt!"  Hmmm... Let's just take a minute to take that in.  I just don't know what that could possibly in reference too.  Is she a suicide bomber?  Is she wearing a large body suit filled with dynamite that just makes her look fat?  I just can't figure out what message she was possibly trying to convey with that shirt. 

Like I can usually appreciate an ironic shirt or a shirt with a funny saying like:

Her shirt just wasn't doing it for me.  I was to tempted to just lift her shirt up and take a peak at what was happening in there.  I didn't.  Because, well, I think that's sexual assault.  But more importantly because I feared what I would find.  Either it was a bomb, and I was about to die.  Or it would just be fat, and then I would just want to die.  Either way, nothing good could come out of it, except for an explanation for the shirt. 

Has anyone seen this shirt before?  If so I'd love to know what the circumstances were.  Was that person wearing it also obese?  If so, maybe this is just their way of announcing to us some new scientific breakthrough in which they are revealing to us that fat is explosive.  It seems a little convoluted though.  They could just make an announcement in the press or in a science journal, you know?  I dunno.  Maybe I'm just out of touch with explosive fashion.

Quickie: Panera Side Pony

So, I was minding my business the other day, enjoying a broccoli cheddar soup from Panera when I saw a side pony.  In case you don't know, a side pony was a popular style in the 80s which looked like this:

Oddly enough though, this side pony wasn't attached to a young girl confused about what year it was.  Instead, it was attached to a badass/gruff looking, tattoo covered 6 foot 6 man in his late 60's-ish.  He also had a foot long beard to go along with it.  Come on guy.  A beard of that quality should not be ruined by an embarrassingly long side pony.  Having a male pony tail is bad enough as it is, but putting it on the side is the equivalent of kissing your mom or dad on the lips.  It's just not natural. I wish I had said something to that guy.  I'm sure if it had, it would've gone like this.

Me: Excuse me sir. You have a side pony tail.
Captain Side: I'm punching you in the face right now.

He most likely wouldn't have said that.  He would've just done it, but it was hard to convey in a dialogue.

PS Is there a name for the male pony tail?  Pony Mail?  Manny Tail?  Gay?

Mr. Route 9

So the other night, after our scavenger hunt and party, we went over to the Route 9 Diner for some delicious breakfast at 3 AM.  The meal was going splendidly, nothing out of the ordinary really.  That's when I found out one of the girls I was with is the most gullible people in the world.

There was a waitress serving food to one of her tables and she was getting a little help from this older, heavy set guy.  I turned to the table and said, "Good Ole Mr. Route 9, that guy is the man."  Gullible Girl says "What?"  At this point, I know it's on.  This is going to be fun.  I turned to her and said, "What? That's Mr. Route 9, he owns this place, it was named after him."

To be honest, I thought telling someone that there was a man named Mr. Route 9 was bad enough, but I decided to take it to the next level.  I added to the story that, "the road outside, Route 9, was also name after him."  BOOM.  And what do you know?! She fucking bought it.  She gave a simple, "Oh cool."

Wow!!!!!!!!!! Wow!!!! Wow.  When I made that stupid little joke, I had no clue it would become something so amazing, but that's whats so great about the Route 9 Diner, you never know what's going to happen.

Poll #19 and Caption Contest

So, apparently guys are just cheating pieces of shit.  Maybe... I'm not convinced that these results were legitimate.  I have a feeling that some 13 people don't actually think that babies cheat more their girls or guys buhtt - Fuck! I just got bit by a mosquito! Jesus that hurt. Uh ok where was I? Ah Yes, babies are pieces of shit too I guess.  I also have a feeling that some women who think women cheat more, just voted guys to get back at us for picking them as the worst drivers in the world.  Enough of that tho, let's get down to business.

As we all know, i help a caption contest last week and you guys get to vote for the winner who will receive $10 for the funniest caption.   There were some really funny entries and there were some fucking awful entries.  To be honest, I had no idea I had so many unfunny readers.  It was amazing.  I thought some of my comedy genius would have rubbed off on some of you guys over the last 6 months but I was clearly mistaken.  Like really, I literally cringed while reading a few of them and one of them actually made me pee a little bit, but it was a bad pee.  Like it was a, "Your so unfunny I'm going to pee on myself to punish myself for having to read this."  I really should have peed on some of you.  Its okay though, I'm just glad you guys participated.

Aight so here's your chance to vote, lets see who's gonna win.  Also, the last 2 polls have gotten 45 votes each which is a season high, let's see if we can beat that this week.  Over and Out.

House M.D.

What is wrong with me? I can't stop watching House.  Literally.  I watch it whenever I'm not doing school work or in class.  There have been roughly 122 episodes of house.  To be completely honest and give you a serious estimate of how many times I've watched House, it would have to be around 700.  Is that alot? 45 minutes per episode. 700 times.  525 hours of watching House. (21.87 days) Holy shit.  I didn't realize it was that much.

I either have a serious man crush on Hugh Laurie, or I should be in med school.  Although the first two years would probably be a waste of time since I can already diagnose about 85 rare, deadly diseases in about 12 minutes.  Seriously, if you think you're dying, just email me you're symptoms and I'll hook you up.  I might start walking with a cane and finally get addicted to some drugs yo!

But on a more serious note, why the hell am I so addicted to this show?  I just watch seasons 1-6 and when I'm done, what do I do? I start again.  And then if I see that House is on TV, what do I do? Watch it of course.  Even if I just watched that episode the day before.

I'm actually watching an episode called "Informed Consent" right now.  I know what's going to happen in every scene, I already know this guy is dying of some protein deficiency, sub type AA.  Why do I know that?! Just think of all the things I could store in my brain in place of House scripts.  Maybe I'd know who won the last 10 NCAA March Madness championships or who the first picks of the NFL draft have been since 1995... You know, the important stuff in life.  Fuck it.  Next Episode.