Walmart Attracts Winners!

I was at Walmart the other day picking up some stuff for a grad party I was headed to.  I went up to the cashier and like lots of cashiers these days, she had plastic gloves on.  Normally, I wouldn't really take any notice of this because there are lots of germaphobes out there, especially in people who touch money all day.  And ESPECIALLY in people who touch money all day being spent by the type of people who shop at Walmart.  Anyway, as I was waiting in line, this woman took germaphobia to the next level. 

With her plastic gloves still on mind you, she took a bottle of Curel and squirted some hand sanitizer on her gloves.  WHAT!? Really?  How can you justify that?  It's fucking hand sanitizer, not glove sanitizer.  Unless these are like her personal pair of gloves that she wears every day and sanitizes instead of washes them, this just doesnt make sense.  Even if they are her gloves, it still doesn't make sense so frank that!

More importantly, doesn't hand sanitizer have to get absorbed by the skin and like dry off that way?  If so then her gloves must be completely slimy all day urrday.  Gross.

Truly, the only way to explain this is that she never takes these gloves off.  Only if she eats with them on, showers with them on and "gets to know herself" with them on, it just can't make sense to sanitize sanitary gloves.  God I love people! It's amazing how many people you run into that are just fuckin idiots. It's not as shocking when you're in Walmart tho, rather it's almost expected.

See You Next Tuesday

I wrote this a few weeks ago, and in case you couldn't tell, i wrote it the night it happened at 4 AM.

Wow.  So tonight, a girl that my friend likes was visiting and so being a good friend that I am, I agreed to go out with him and hang out with this girls friends.  You know, wing man it up.  This girl mentioned that these weren't her best friends, nor were they her hot friends, so I showed up totally expecting to meet a couple bridge trolls and be on my way.

Instead, we show up and find two of the 4 of them are smoke shows.  So me and my other friend are fuckin sittin pretty, riding this wave of good fortune.  We get to the bar, walk to the dance floor, and me being the outgoing, studly, masculine, sexual, ferocious, bodacious guy that I am, I walk onto the dance floor expecting these girls to be a good time.

I've never been so wrong in my life. EVER.  I swear!  That includes the time I said, "There's no way Elton John is gay!"  I still swear, I was still more wrong about these girls being fun.  For the first 20 minutes of the night, they stood in the middle of the dance floor, huddled up like a bunch of CBags calling their next 3rd down play, not speaking to anyone or even daring to make eye contact with anyone outside of the huddle. It was mind boggling.  Like get the fuck out of the way so fun people can actually have some room to work. 

To top it all off, we ended up back at the Castle of C**** at the end of the night before they actually arrived.   (Since they were hot bitches, they of course were off finding a Home Depot full of Tool Bags to hang out with)  So as my friend's "friends" showed up at the house, one of the girls, known as Slammer, tried to introduce us to the two guys that came with them.  Now, keep in mind, we had been with this girl for the past 3 hours.  I asked her to introduce us by name, and she simply declined.  Highlight of the night was calling out this fucking idiot for not even knowing my name, and pretty much proving everything I've said here so far.  But to be honest, it still sucked.  I can't even get the slam pig of the group to remember my name, not a good sign.

Bottom line, I spent time tonight with the absolute worst group of girls in the world.  They're not fun, or cool, or interesting, but they're good looking and they're going to get the attention of the rest of the world.   90% of the people that encounter them, will realize exactly how miserable they are.  The other 10% are just fucking iziots.  Eat it.

Triangle Head Donation Update

20 MFDH from Shmyle Shmerouen and 10 MFDH from Shmamy Shmeluca.  Let's go! I know the rest of you read this shit and it brings joy to you and your family every day.  I think it's only right to contribute to this extraordinary cause.  Love you.

Unpaid Bitch!

So, as most of you know, I am doing an unpaid internship this summer.  For those of you who are not sure what that means, it means I work 40 hours a week and my compensation is experience.  Awesome!  Currently, I am adding to my experience, how to solicit free rounds of golf for raffle prizes.  Executive Training Program, here I come!

Anyway, it's really the unpaid part that is the hardest to deal with.  I mean, as a graduate student who didn't have a graduate assistantship last year (1 of 4 in my class of 30 who didn't get one), I have very limited financial resources.  Add that to an unpaid internship and my money woes deepen.  Add that to a car that gets 13 mpg, and this is getting ugly.  Add that to a part time job that is taking over 3 weeks to "check my references" and I'm looking penniless.  You might think to yourself, Adam, at least it can't get any worse.  Well, you're an idiot.

Well now you're thinking, Adam, how could it get worse?  Well I'll tell you exactly how an unpaid internship can get worse.  Pay a towing company $115 to get your car back because of mother slapping street cleaning!  That's how.  Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Like seriously?  That's like getting beat up by a midget and then having a  dog pee on you.  Like it's not the dogs fault that you're getting peed on but it just really sucks that he's doing it.

Just as a side note, how much does getting towed suck!  I went out to get into my car and saw that the entire street was empty.  Two possibilities.  One, I'm a fucking idiot and I got towed.  Two, a gang of ninja car thieves came through and just made a killing.  I'm never sure which one it is, but I'm always hoping its #2 just for the story. 

Back to the Basics

So the other night, I went out to Tequila Rain for the first time and we actually had a good time.  As usual, I was ripping it up on the dance floor but we were playing a new game which I'd like to inform you of.  It's called Dance Circle Spin the Bottle.  It's not to hard to figure out, but its frankin awesome.  Bottle - On the Floor - Spin it - Who ever its pointing to dances.  Boom and we've got magic.

One of our friends, Shmenny Shmariski, decided to try and make it better.   Mind you, she was already plasterfaced at this point in the night, which was about 11 PM.  Someone mentioned dance circle spin the bottle, and Shmenny immediately took her full beer, put it on the ground and spun it. Awesome! Let's all dance in a puddle.  Seriously, lets do it.

That wasn't the first time I've danced in a puddle.  A few months ago, some girl spilled a drink on the dance floor and I decided to utilize it in order to moon walk all over everyone's stunned faces.  Last year at my sisters apartment, I was trying to teach a girl to moonwalk and she couldn't cuz she had no shoes or socks on.  So I took a bottle of water and poured it on the floor and we moonwalked the night away.  So this beer was really no change of pace for me.

The night went on, pretty basic, good times had by all.  Then I discovered something else I liked.  Booing people that are trying to dance with my friends.  Some guy came up to one of our friends, Shmolleen, and started dancing (quite terribly if I may say so) and we decided to let him have it.  There were about 5 of us standing around watching this, so we surrounded them and just start booing him and giving him the thumbs down.  After about 20 seconds of us booing and Shmolleen showing no interest in the William Hung of dancing, he walked away.

And he thought it would end there.  We then followed him around the bar jumping up and down, pointing at him and yelling "This guy! This guy!"  No clue why, but I found it amazingly entertaining.

So let's recap: 1. Dance Circles. Check. 2. Booing guys. Check. 3. Rubbing my ass on girls? CHECK!

That was the next phase in the night.  I started pulling out my patented move, rubbing my ass on a girl as she walked by.  They were loving it, per usual, until I made a rookie mistake.  I tried the rub down on a girl with a big group of people, away from the dance floor.  Terrible mistake.  Literally half a second into it, the girl sprinted to the other side of the group as if I was trying to rub anthrax on her.  I tried apologizing like I always do, "Oh my, I'm so sorry. I had no idea you were there, he's got a mind of his own."  She just wasn't having it.  She just shooed me away, completely disgusted.  Wat a weirdo.

All in all, it was a pretty typical night for me.

We're Back and We're Goin to DD's

Well, well, well, look who's back in the house.  It's this guy (two thumbs pointing at myself).  WHAT is back and ready to entertain the shit out of you silly donkeys.  I'll be coming at you every Monday and Friday so get ready. And we're off!

So, the other day I was at Dunkins and ordered my usual, a #4 on a Plain Bagel with a Large French Vanilla Ice, Regular.  How fucking easy is that?! Apparently not easy enough for the Dunkin Donuts I went to that day in Southie.  The woman working there begins to type it in and says, "the combo comes with a medium, I have to ring it up separately if you want the large."  I told her I still wanted the large, then I began to wonder if this woman actually worked there.

If she would just turn around, she would see that you can in fact get a large with a combo.  It says right on the menu, make it a large for $0.30.  I even decided to point it out to her and say, "I think you can do it with a large, its just 30 cents more."  She turns around, looks up at the menu and says, "Yeah...well..." and then just fades off.  Awesome, that really explains a lot.

I mean, it's not really a big deal but if I got my #4 with a large plus tax it should come to $5.15.  Instead, because of this jabroney, I payed $5.90.  Now, $0.75 isn't really a lot of money, but relatively speaking, I was just charged a 15% premium for this woman's stupidity.  I don't know about you, but i find that upsetting, both in my heart and in my loins.

Of course it didn't end there though.  As she was ringing it in, she said, "So that's a sausage egg and cheese on a croissant with a large regular coffee."  I ordered two things.  She got them both wrong.  "Actually, that was supposed to be on a plain bagel."  I couldn't believe this reply, "Oh, I'm sorry but it's already in the toaster."  Seriously? Seriously! That's a joke right.  I couldn't let that one slide. 

I came back at her, "So?  I didn't order that.  There should be a plain bagel in the toaster."  She reluctantly switched out the croissant for a bagel and finished my order.  I decided to let the fact that I actually ordered a french vanilla coffee slide just because I didn't want to seem like a total dick.  Looking back on it, I really wish I had just cracked an egg of knowledge on this woman's head and told her to figure it out.  Fa Shizzle.

It's good to be back motha frankers,  see you on Friday. 

PS I'll have a new poll up on Friday as well.  Eat it.